Your lips are movin

I almost feel guilty about this post because I know that there are so many out there who are dying for their spouses to admit that they have a problem. My problem over here is the opposite: my husband knows he has a problem. I can't count how many times I have heard the phrase 'I am an addict.' But the problem is that he doesn't do anything (that I see) about it. It's almost become a catch phrase- a way to diffuse tension whenever I bring it up... I want to snap back: "Yes! But what does that mean??" In the past, there was a range of emotions that would come with that phrase. He would say "I am an addict" and I would be ashamed for a brief moment, and then after a round of almost every emotion in the book, I would end on being extremely proud of him for owning that part of where he was.

Now, I just cringe. I'm trying to figure out how to describe it, and I think I figured it out: I had started to truly forgive him. And part of that was all the work that he had done to start towards making amends. But now, he works 50+ hours a week, and says that that is the reason why he is feeling disconnected from me. I am not quite so sure. I can agree that it is definitely part of the reason, I can! But I don't think it's solely that. I think his addict is desperately trying to hide behind those hours, so as to explain the disconnect. 

Here is how I see it: I am working real recovery every. single. day. as a part of my goal to write on this blog daily. It has inspired me to open up my recovery literature again, and it feels so good. I feel like I am finally back on the road towards recovery. J on the other hand, as far as I have seen, has been irritable (which could be a mix of work- but is almost always a tell-tale sign of addict behavior for me), and broken at least two of the bottom lines that he has told me about. 

I am just sick of hearing "I'm an addict, so I don't trust myself with a smartphone (or tablet or anything technological) yet" and yet listening to incessant talk about how badly he wants one- when he isn't WORKING towards getting one... I keep having the same line that he said the other week playing over and over in my head: "If I am being totally honest with myself, I am not doing my recovery work like I wanted to."

I only get this frustrated when I get involved in his recovery work, so I need to take a step back, and recognize that there is nothing that I can do about his recovery work, except let him do it on his own. But I also need to look at what got me into this chain of thinking, which is this: I can't fully forgive and let go if I don't feel like I am safe. I don't have to feel crazy for working towards a career that will sustain me and my son if things get to the point where I have to leave.

In the end it comes down to this: I don't believe words anymore- I only believe actions.