First sightings of Numbness

I never realize when I start feeling numb until I am kind of forced to acknowledge my emotional and spiritual state. So this is a big thing: I think this is the earliest I have caught it- I usually don't figure it out until days into it.

Today I am feeling numb.

I am trying to figure out why. I think part of it may have been the institute christmas concert that I went to last night at UVU. It was beautiful and amazing. GORGEOUS- and my two year old was a champ and didn't scream once in it!

J was there too. I wasn't sitting by him, but I worked pretty hard to keep my little one on the DL so that he could focus. I was really hoping that he would feel the spirit. Every single one of the singers up on that staged looked like they wanted to touch the audience- and like they meant every beautiful word that they were singing.

I would look over at him periodically, and I couldn't read him, but I hoped. Anyway, fast forward to after we got home from the concert, and we were talking whilst sampling some fudge after the kiddo was in bed. He brought up how bitter he was at all the singers. He started talking about how the wise-men found out about Christ's birth and started looking for the star based off of the words of men. And I instantly jumped into defensive mode- like I had time and time again whenever he brings up religious stuff. He kept going off about the fact that we don't hear about other people sending angels down anymore, and what's with that?

I was a little defensive in my speech at that point, but I was able to take a step back and try to analyze why I was feeling so uptight about it all- and I realized what it is: I believe the story of christmas with all my heart- and I am so incredibly grateful for my savior, and for the amazing things that happened to signify his birth! I felt like him questioning things was him calling me stupid for believing them. I felt like he was calling me naive.

Guys. 

I think that's why I am feeling numb today- because yesterday was such a roller coaster spiritually. First being completely engulfed in the spirit and feeling so grateful, to feeling so stupid for believing the stories. Is that possible? To feel numb because I felt two such conflicting emotions the day before? Religion has turned into such a raw subject in my house, and I hate it. I just don't know exactly what to do about it.

I guess I could just be up front and say:

"I feel like religion is a huge raw spot in our marriage, and I don't like it. What do you think?" and go from there...

Maybe I will just give that a go later tonight. Wish me luck!