I decorated my christmas tree today- we went up into the mountains and cut down our own this year, it was... interesting. We went down to my parent's home, and I enjoyed the time that I had with my husband and son, but the rest of my family was out of sorts. My dad lost his job three months ago, and things are starting to get tight, I think in order to save money, my sweet mom may have started cutting her depression pills in half, and on top of it, my little sister and her two children are living with them, my little brother is dealing with his own pornography addiction and working towards a mission that he already has a call for... needless to say, tension is high.
While there I discovered another trigger, and I don't know how I can fix it- maybe talking it out on here I will be able to figure it out, or get some advice from other people who have gone through something similar?
While we were at my parent's house, I was triggered multiple times, and I took it out on my hubby, thinking that it was just that he wasn't talking to me about recovery enough... (which was sort of valid, he didn't talk about it as much, but it is pretty hard to find time to reassure me when we are surrounded by family.) and I did have an experience with him there, I caught him watching T.V. alone while I was putting our son down for a nap, and a little bit after a scandy lady came on, and I was pretty triggered by that... but I talked to group members, and I took care of that.
But what the real issue that is bothering me is that I am triggered when I see my brother. I am the one who caught him when his porn addiction came to light. Since then, he has gone to therapy. But that is it, and there is no more support besides his bishop and my parents. Over Thanksgiving Break, he was in total addict behavior- rude, selfish, lazy, and it was like watching my husband two years ago (his low) all over again. My brother would sit on the couch and numb himself all day- saying he was watching mormon comedy, but he had the screen hidden so that no one could really see what he was doing- Just like my husband did. He was sitting in the exact place on the couch where my husband had slipped time and time again. If he wasn't on his phone, he was numbing himself watching T.V. He was defensive, annoyed and angry if anyone interrupted him. He avoided family activities so he could stay home alone- like my husband did. My grandma mentioned how proud she was of his mission call, and he couldn't look at her- much like how my husband would look if I mentioned how grateful I was that I could ask him to give me a blessing at anytime. I was triggered, and I was annoyed with my husband the whole time I was there.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized exactly what I was triggered by, but now I don't know how to handle taking care of it. With my husband, I can tell him what behavior is triggering me, but I don't feel like I have the right to say that to my brother. My parent's are still not very educated about it, and very much in denial- I am afraid if I were to say something that our whole family dynamic would be thrown off. The only thing I can think of doing to keep myself safe is (1) lots of self-care while I am visiting there, which is virtually impossible or (2) avoid going home- which makes me sad to think about having to do.
Any ideas? Advice is welcome.
I don't mean to step my bounds but I read this and know how you feel...at least on the family side of things. I have a little brother who made it to the MTC but a month ago got sent back home. Yep. P addiction! yipee. (it runs in the family). Your bro has got to get connected and doing group therapy. I'm doomed if i don't. There is something strangely powerful about the fellowship. You know because you seem to connect with your fellow sisters alot. And I hate the whole "can't say what i am feeling" business. especially with the family. Most of my family doesn't know about my addiction....but I would totally love to connect more with others. If i was your brother, he probably won't like having you bring things up, but if you take a loving, approachable take then he may be more willing to open up or respect your wishes. Dang tough spot indeed. I probably know exactly how he is feeling. I can't empathisize with your triggers but I know those are real. Disregard my remarks if they are way off.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, YES. Brother in law has the same addiction, and he was sent to the bishop-- that was it. No therapy, no addiction group, nothing. A couple meetings later, he's cured! It's a miracle!
ReplyDeleteNo, it's denial. And I was furious. Don't they know how serious this all is? Don't they know how much this behavior is degrading to women? By not taking this seriously, they're proclaiming it isn't really that big of a deal!
They're proclaiming my pain isn't really that big of a deal.
Someday, he may be married. And if he doesn't take care of the addiction, he is going to hurt his spouse. She is going to have her heart broken into a thousand little shards, over and over, and she may look back on his life and ask, "Why didn't he do something sooner? Why didn't someone say something before it got to me?"
I would suggest writing a letter. Write an honest letter, telling him what you wish someone had told your husband before you came along. Write it to your brother, or write it to your future sister in law. Just put the words on paper, feel everything out-- you don't have to send it, but you could. Just put words on everything you're feeling about going, and help clear your head and your heart. That may give you a clearer picture of what the next step could be.
Hugs to you. You pain matters.