Day of Nerves

 So after this last slip, my husband went and talked to the Bishop after church on Sunday.

Usually after these meetings, my husband is either really on edge because (a) he's still in addict mode or (b) the bishop doesn't really understand this addiction, and totally hits his shame button... so he's usually down or really up because of a blessing the bishop gave him, or some really sound advice, usually pertaining to scripture study, prayer or some other aspect of his fatherly duties.

He usually comes home and straight away wants to talk about what the bishop discussed, but this time he was closed lipped... which threw up some red flags in my mind. So I asked him about it, and he said that it was really good, and that he had gotten some good advice- but that he thought I wouldn't like some of the other stuff that the Bishop had said.

Flashbacks of the last time I didn't like what Bishop had said came rushing into my mind: About two months ago, the Bishop had responded to a text my hubby sent him about a slip, and the bishop replied asking if maybe I could "do something" to "help him out." Indicating that I wasn't putting out enough- but not explicitly saying it. So I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.

This time however, Bishop came straight out and said it: "I know Ashley wants you to get over this, why doesn't she help you out more? Maybe her giving you more may stay the urges." ........ silence. All along I have been disappointed that our bishop doesn't seem interested in learning about the addiction, and how it works, how it effects the wife. But he is human and he is not perfect. I don't think he means to be ignorant. I truly believe that he loves each and every one of his ward members, and that is why I set up an appointment to go in and talk to him tonight before group- so that if it does go wrong, I have a strong group to process it with.

I don't want to go marching in there, and accuse him of being ignorant, nor do I want to go in there and preach or lecture. I simply want to go in there and tell my story. He knows my husband's story, but he doesn't know mine. I am pretty sure that if he knew my history of having my dad tell me the almost exact same advice before we got married, and how badly it messed me up, I am sure that he would not have given that advice. I am sure that if he knew about me freezing up and having my brain shut down when I don't feel like I have a choice in my home, that he wouldn't have given that advice. If he knew that I felt like a prostitute, or slept with pain killers under my pillow for a few months from feeling like a nobody, because I was trying to follow that advice, and blamed myself every time my husband told me about a slip, I am sure that he would not have given that advice.

I also want to address the fact that he may feel like this therapy isn't helping. We were 4-5 months into our lifestar program when we moved into this new ward (we are gratefully and humbly accepting help from the church in funding the therapy), but what he may not know, because my husband isn't one to boast or brag, is that my husband has cut down his slips from 1-3 times a day to once every month or so... which is still way too often for me, but a HUGE improvement. His humble warrior is finally getting some air, and the ability to soak in the sun- something that didn't happen very often. I was in constant fear, being verbally abused, and looked over like I wasn't even there. Life was a very dark place before therapy. But I really think that he just doesn't know that. We found out this last session that our ward didn't help pay for therapy last month, which stresses me out, but at the same time, I would rather eat ramen noodles for every meal and keep going to therapy, than drop out- because dropping out means that I either slowly go back to that dark place, or my husband and I get divorced because therapy is what keeps his addict in check, and I am stronger now- without therapy, I would hold to my boundaries until I couldn't take it any more.

So that's what I am going to go in there and talk about. I am scared, but I really feel like it's the right thing to do. Wish me luck!