Hello Internet Friends

I'm typing to you when I should be in class. Why am I not in class, you ask? Before group, my husband confessed that he had masterbated. Ugh I hate that word. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I should have expected that he would be in addict mode right after, right before. And yet, it surprises me every time. He woke up "mad" at me for "controlling his life.", said that he was "just coming to terms with the fact that this was his new life."He's mad at me for passing on a message from our therapist asking him to call and be accountable for lying to the guys in group. He says that if I pass that message on, I have internalized it and believe he's a liar. And he's mad at me for it. And I sit there without an expression on my face. Just listening. Listening to him tear down the work and progress that I had made in the last three weeks since his last slip. One. Word. At. A. Time. Sit there, wishing my emotions weren't a house of cards that with a puff of his air he could just knock down.

In the last hour, I have been called controlling, a bad mother, a bad housekeeper, a name-caller, a bad wife, dumb, and spacey. I have been told that I can't keep track of my own things, that I am a wreck emotionally. And he's mad at me. Great. 

So the fact that I have stayed with him through the last 2 1/2 years means nothing anymore. The fact that I have been living in a marriage that makes my life a living hell with the hopes that he will pull out if it means nothing. The fact that I have hope in him means nothing- because right now, in the mindset he is in now means that he truly doesn't believe that he will ever get over this.

I have set up boundaries to keep myself safe. Distance. Self care. I have to get out of his way so he can fix this himself- but when we're in the car on my way to school, and I see myself in the reflection, and I think to myself. "Yeah, I look pretty good today... I bet if anyone saw me they would have no clue that I am living in hell right now." I must have said it out loud- I didn't think that I did, but all of a sudden, my husband had new ammo. 

I keep thinking to myself: "distance. self care. distance. self care. Just make it to school so you can escape" But I can't escape that car fast enough, and before you know it, I am bawling. Sobbing. Praying to God in my heart: "What did I do to deserve this? What am I supposed to get out of this part of the test, Father?" And Just like that, my escape plan is gone. I can't go to class like this. I'm a wreck. 

I hate this. I never understood why people had to be Debbie Downers before this hit my life. I always thought to myself: C'mon peeps, where's the silver lining? It can't be all that bad. Snap out of it. But maybe this is why. Maybe it's because they are trying everything they have to be positive. Maybe they work and work and work, and the situation keeps slapping them in the face, back to the place where they started.

I know what I need to do: get out of the house (mostly because as I write this, he keeps coming in with another insult). Distance. Self Care. I am taking a practice LSAT today to prepare for the test in June. I think he also feels threatened that I am pursuing a career... I really think God knew that I needed something that could consistently stop me from being isolated, which is why he talks about my career and schooling so much in my patriarchal blessing. I still want to be a good mother, and I believe with the Lord's help I still can. It just hits his pride. Hardcore. I don't know what to do about it, because I am definitely not going to give up on my dreams- and usually he supports me in them. We both grew up in homes with stay at home mothers- so it's hard for us both to imagine what life will be like once that time in our life hits- once school is over, and we can move on with our lives in four years... My babe will be in Kindergarden, and I don't know if I want any more kids- one maybe. But that's only if we are pretty far from the fight we are fighting now.

I understand that he has had a rough go at the last week- His sister had major brain surgery, and he barely got to the phone in time to stop his brother from committing suicide. Tough Tough stuff, and I have been really worried about him, but he kept saying he was fine... and then yesterday it all exploded.

Well, I am going to go and get myself some breakfast, and perhaps get my nails done before going and taking that practice exam. Thanks for being my online friends- so good knowing that I'm not alone in this.