Yet another way that Porn Kills Love

*Note: I said earlier that I would give notice if something that I write could be triggering. This is one of those posts.  It was one of those posts that was really hard for me to put into words how I was feeling- and I was about to just not post it- but then I decided that I wanted to hear what other people had to say about it. So please comment- this was a pretty vulnerable post for me to write, as I realize how judgmental I had been without realizing it- I hope it's my one step closer towards healing and receiving more christ-like love.

Whenever I have thought of the women on the other side of the porn equation- the women on the screen- I am filled with extreme emotions. I hate them- Don't they realize the pain that they are causing? Don't they care about us- the women on the other side? The women whose everyday real-life is being affected by their choice to pose for porn and the choice of our husbands to view it?

Every once in a while I would have a pang of sisterly-kindness towards them- and then I would get a disclosure and I would forget that they were humans- blinded by the pain that I feel when that happens.

This caused a state of disregard- I would forget about them- and my husband's addiction would become just that - a plain regular "addiction" again rather than a "porn addiction." I would forget about the faces on the other side.

Last night I indulged in my guilty pleasure: I watched the bachelor- Whether that is a healthy choice or not given my standing in life (because it is a mix of both) is not the point of this post- the point is that I got to see a side to porn that I rarely think about. 

One of the girls on the show (one of my favorites) revealed yesterday that two years earlier she was trying to start up a modeling career and had been approached to pose for a pornographic magazine, and she did. She was so nervous to tell the bachelor- worried that it would ruin her relationship with this man that she was falling in love with and wanted to get married to and start a family with. 

She pretty far it the show- all the way up to the part where each of the remaining girls gets to take the Bachelor home to meet their families. It was so interesting to watch. Her relationship with her family was so strained- her mom was wringing her hands, her brother wouldn't look her in the eye the whole time, and the nicest thing he said about her was that she was a "wild mustang". There was so much judgement in her Dad's eyes, and it was later revealed that he hadn't learned that she had chosen to pose in porn until one of his friends saw her online and made a comment to him about it. For one reason or another she hadn't told her dad fast enough, and he found out another way. Before he knew about the porn thing, the Bachelor had a chance to talk to her dad and commented on how what attracted him to her the most were her small-town values- her dad didn't say anything about it- he was silent for a moment and then just said that she was an independent thinker, and that she had a wild side,

Because of her experience of not telling her dad soon enough, she knew that she needed to be the one to tell the Bachelor about it before he found out about it from somebody else. It's really easy to read this guy this year on the Bachelor, the guy has a tell-tell sign that he is feeling uncomfortable- he coughs/clears his throat a lot. After meeting her family, she took him aside and finally told him about it. The words that she used were not proud- she listed off the reasons her life wasn't in the right place/mind frame when she chose to do it- and then I turned the TV off because the commercials hinted at her showing him the pictures. The point of this part is that he kept coughing/clearing his throat. He was uncomfortable. He had said the whole time that he liked that girl for her small-town values- and he eventually ended up not choosing her over the other girls.

The bachelor said that the reason why he voted her off isn't because of the "thing that she had said before" (he couldn't even specify as to what that was- that's how uncomfortable it of a conversation it was) But she went home devastated. Her prior choices had led to pain she never could have imagined.

Guys. I kept wanting to turn it off- but I kept being drawn to the TV like a mosquito to the flame. I couldn't stop watching because suddenly that girl behind the screen was a real life person. It's funny, because the whole time, I just wanted to take her and giver her a hug. I wanted to tell her about the atonement. I wanted to tell her that the person that she obviously wanted to become- the small-town, warm-hearted girl she had been the whole season up until that point- was totally obtainable through the atonement of christ. That she could be white as snow.

It totally ruined my vilification of the women behind the screen. They aren't all monsters. I learned in my "Human Sexuality" class (if that wasn't a triggering class for a WoPA, I don't know what is) that studies have been done that back this theory up- I learned that in a majority of cases studied (granted it's prostitution, not porn- but they are in the same family, and I imagine that similar thought processes go into both),  have at least one of the following in common with other prostitutes from their childhood or adolescence: Physical or Sexual abuse, family instability, poverty, dealings with exploiters, homelessness, and/or drug use. (if you want references, just let me know!) That is such a hard life! I'm not condoning the behavior that they use to cope with it- just that it is yet another reason why we need to end this sickness. Christ loves them. 

Porn kills love. 

Not only the love between myself and my husband, but even the potential love and happiness of the women behind the screen. 

The whole thing made me sick to my stomach with heartbreak- and so thankful for my Savior. He feels with us the pain that we feel- each and every one of us. Not only me- but the woman behind the screen too.