The process

Recovery-wise: Yesterday was amazing. Seriously awesome. 

J chose on his own to go to therapy. Say What?? Yes. You heard correctly- he chose to go to therapy on his own. 

I am used to being the one in our relationship to be doing recovery work. I got comfortable in the role and I liked it. I liked being the one to bring up hard conversations. I liked being the one who controlled where I was going. I got used to the idea that I was moving away from him as I did recovery work and he didn't. I liked being able to say: It doesn't matter what he does, I am going to take care of myself and let him be a big boy and be in charge of himself.

Welp. Now that he is doing recovery, I am thrown for a loop. I don't know how to describe it so I will try to process it on here.

I think I liked how easy it was to NOT trust him at all as he didn't do any recovery work. I liked how hard he tried to make me happy in other ways- like waking up with the little one so I could sleep in and helping me clean the house. I liked being successful roommates who didn't have to think about anything sexual/lovey-dovey in our relationship because I didn't feel safe.

Now that he is not just saying that he is doing recovery work- but actually doing the actions of going to therapy, signing up for group therapy every wednesday, being in the present moment, and opening up about the hard topics- I have never felt more confused.

I loved it while he was at therapy, I loved thinking about the fact that he had done therapy while he was away from me at work, but once he got home from work and was around, physically, my body was confused.

For so long I had been pushing away, I didn't realize how him doing recovery work would make him look more attractive to me... and yet there is not very much trust there. It's so confusing.

My mind subconsciously goes like this:

He went to therapy today!! :D

The therapist is a girl and he said he thought she was pretty. :(

He wants to connect!! :D

How long is this going to last? :(

Ugh.

Let's just go back to how genuinely happy and excited you were to see him?? 

When was the last time that happened?

*insert return to happy feelings*

I think I want to kiss him!! :D

*insert flashback of kisses I gave just so he would forget about the porn women* :(

Is that how I am feeling now? 

Am I just kissing him because I want to or because I don't want him to look at other women?

It is so stupid that I can't just enjoy a kiss from my husband

*insert bitter feelings*

Just smile and walk away so you can figure this shiz out, Ash.

And so suddenly it becomes very confusing for him too!

Consciously this is what happens:

Me: HI!! *super excited to see him*

Him: Opens up about therapy

Me: That is awesome! *super happy he is wanting to connect about recovery work, super bummed that I can't get out of my head that he said his therapist was a girl and was pretty. Even thought that is so amazing for him to be able to connect with a pretty girl without having any sexual thoughts come to his head doesn't help me and my fear cycle.* So I go quiet.

Him: Wants to connect somemore

Me: Can't because I am in my fear cycle

Him: I JUST WANT TO CONNECT

Me: Sorry I can't be like your PRETTY THERAPIST 

then we go to bed and wake up the next morning:

I go back to thinking about how excited that we are both on the recovery bandwagon again!

Me: I want to kiss him so I do!

We kiss.

I keep stopping so I can check to see WHY I am kissing him.

Him: Getting mad, thinking I am toying with him. shutting off.

I close off thinking he is playing old tricks of "shutting off" so that I want to "fix it"

Why is it so much more complicated when we BOTH are working recovery? I ask myself. Shouldn't it get easier? 

The answer is no. When we are both looking at the hard issues it freaking sucks.  I have had a glimpse of the life we could have after the suck- I know it's worth it- but geez! It doesn't make it any easier.

Also, I guess I am feeling a bit inadequate with my own recovery work. It is so much harder to sift through the crap when you're not forced to check in weekly with a therapy group; but I am really proud of the work that I had been doing on my own. And then J goes to one therapy session and faces about the same amount of junk that I have sifted through in a month! 

Suddenly in my mind HE is the one doing better at recovery than I am! Haha! Writing that made me laugh. I know how silly it sounds- it's my competitive side coming out. But I hate to be outdone. J does too. When we were in therapy together, it was rarely the two of us doing really good work together. It was usually one or the other excelling more than the other one. Either I was rocking it or he was. The other one was always in kind of a slump.

I loved being the one on top for so long- and now that he is working recovery, I hate it because I don't want to go into a slump! Haha! (this is so funny to me that I honestly feel this way!) I "know" it's my choice. 

This whole time- when he set an appointment for therapy, or when he talked to the therapist, they asked about me, and he said "She's a big girl, if she thinks she needs help, I am going to let her find it." Healthy way of thinking, right? I mean, it's what I was thinking all along for the last few months- That he is a big boy, and when he thinks he needs help, he can find it himself.

Well, subconsciously, I hear that and my egos all like "Seriously?? You are just going to climb on ahead and leave me here in a slump without giving me a leg up??" And then I get bitter.

I mean guys. I am a total mess.

But. Writing it out on here makes so much SENSE to me, even if it doesn't to anyone else. This messy mess is MY mess! And it's okay! It's all part of the process!

And recognizing that this is the way I have been thinking makes me realize that I can break that darn cycle we have going on! I don't have to be in a slump! We can BOTH be working recovery independently. I saw myself going into a slump because he was doing recovery work, and I resented him for putting me there. (BLAME)

And then I was going to just NOT go to therapy just to spite him and to prove to him that I could do an equal amount of recovery work without therapy- to prove to him that I was more awesome. (I mean the way my mind THINKS! haha)

So i am going to admit something on here that I never in a million years thought I would be saying when I first started writing this post: I need more help. I have more junk than I can handle myself, and I am going to call the therapist rather than wait for J to bring home a pamphlet or something. I am going to do the work for myself rather than waiting for someone to do the work for me. I am going to break this stupid Recovery Rockstar--> Recovery Slump cycle J and I are in and let his example bring me up rather than push me down.

I'm going to eat me a slice of humble pie.