It's okay

First, 

Reading Annegirl's post here was crazy good for me.

It got me out of my avoidance slump.

So Thanks Annegirl.

Second,

After our little explosion, J and I haven't talked much about anything of importance.

I have been doing this for so long that certain thought-patterns have been formed that I feel are controlling my behaviors. Thought patterns like: "J will get over this addiction and be that amazing, thoughtful guy that I married and we will live happily and thrive on our success."

or

"I cannot say that I want a husband who is in recovery- because he knows that and I don't want to put him into shame"

or

"I just won't talk about the fact that he doesn't want to go to church and talks negatively about it lately, because if I push anything, he will do the exact opposite."

or

"insert anything about my feelings regarding the addiction- but I can't say that, because I don't want to put him into shame- he is no good to me when he is in shame"

So I just shove things that are bothering me below the surface, or I write them on here, or I talk to a WoPA about it. In other words, I numb- and I tell myself that it doesn't bother me. I tell myself that I am madly in love with the man I married, just not with the addict side of himself.

And then I catch myself doing it, and I try to change. I try to start doing recovery work again, and I realize that I am NOT okay with it. Not one bit. I am SO MAD that this is my life right now. It's not fair. 

And so I get even more distanced due to resentment, and because he isn't doing recovery work, so is he.

So I read a little part of the book and explode on him, and then we turn into polite roommates. He notices, and then goes out and buys both of us an iphone thinking that will solve the communication problem- but it only gives me more fear. I say thanks and because of my lack of enthusiasm he thinks he is inadequate. It's this cycle. We are spiraling away from each other. And right now, I don't care. Honestly, the only thing keeping me right where I am right now is my son- he adores his daddy, just worships him. I would feel horrible taking that away from his everyday life. But I am also incredibly hurt, and because the hurt keeps coming and I can't keep up with it, I am incredibly unhappy.

Annegirl's post was so helpful because it helped me realize this:

That the hard truth is that I don't love my husband anymore. I can't. It is impossible for him to truly love me with his addiction, and it is impossible for me to love him romantically with my trauma. I love him like a brother right now. (Gotta love the irony of having this realization right before valentines day.)

The way we have been going on has been unbearable. When we were in therapy, I used to feel this a few days at a time after an act-out and before a counseling session. There was a light that I could see at the end of the tunnel. I couldn't wait for him to get out of my house, because he would come home from the session with a new clarity, and would be bearable to live with again.

I keep telling myself those unhealthy thoughts that I listed off, and I didn't know how to get out of it and still keep the peace. Something that was said on facebook has hit me really really hard. He said something along the lines of "I have never seen an addict yet who will put the needs of his family above his desire for a fix. I'm not saying we shouldn't be neighborly or kind to them, but I am also saying that I am over giving them free handouts"

Of course, I think he was talking about drug and alcohol, but don't we keep saying that this addiction is just as strong and bonding? That some say that it might be even harder to give up?

I read that and I can't seem to get it out of my head.

I have been thinking a lot lately about recovery and what it means to me, and what I personally need in order to keep going in this life that J and I chose to go on together. The answer is recovery (even though J has decided that he hates that word, and now uses the phrase "healthy living"). I thought when we started on our therapy journey two years ago that it was the start of a bright new life together. A little less than a year later and I am feeling as helpless about our relationship as I did before- just with better tools to take care of myself. 

I am not ready to say the "D" word yet, because I am carefully weighing my options. I love his family, and they are the biggest support I have right now. I want to make sure that when it comes down to it, that I made the decision in a healthy mindset. I don't want any regrets. But that being said, I, like the police officer am over giving free trust handouts. The only thing that will keep me from going down that path- the path away from a destructive relationship- is action on his part. I'm doing my part and it's moving me away from him- and it's the only way we are going to get on the same track.