*warning* This is a post chuck full of embarrassing stories and recovery fails... followed by a recommitment to jump back into life and recovery.
I moved. I have moved away from my central source of support. It seemed like such a good idea at the time. But now I am here, and I am unpacking, and I feel like each box is putting me further away from my amazing support group back home. My awesome neighbor that got me out for a walk every morning, my lifestar group of girls, my mother-in-law, who didn't mind watching my little guy at the drop of a hat, and he LOVED going there.
Now, I moved into an apartment in the middle of nowhere. My one neighbor is so emotionally checked out that I feel like I'm talking to a wall a little bit, and very judged when I try to be real. I haven't been taking care of myself because there is SO MUCH TO DO. School started this week. First week of work. Unpacking. Husband being gone.
and then there is the worrying:
1. First- about my son and the fact that he has no idea what the heck is going on. He has been shuffled around so much the last few weeks as we have been moving, and then to top it all off, his mama starts dropping him off to a daycare- which he has never done before, and he hasn't seen his daddy nearly as much. It went from a we were basically always together sort of a thing to WAPOW- Ope, now we are too busy for you, have fun at daycare. (Obviously ALOT of shame going on right there.)
2. Second- about the fact that because his world has been thrown upside-down, he hasn't been sleeping very well- which means that I haven't been sleeping very well either. Let me tell you, sleep is one of those NECESSITIES that help me to take care of myself. I don't think very well on this little of sleep.
3. Third- our new apartment has cable. I don't want to break any bottom lines by just chucking it, because I don't know why I would by doing it. I definitely wont be using it much, so it seems like a hassle to set it up for hardly any use... but I also think I would be tossing as a way to save J the trouble of having to slip before deciding that it's a good idea to toss it.
4. Fourth- (TMI? maybe) I have been wearing the same garments for the last 5 days because I have NO idea where I packed them. Yep- a sign that I have DEFINITELY not been taking care of myself.
5. Fifth- I have ALOT of unpacking to do- and I just finished packing, so it's the last thing I want to do right now, and I don't have J to help with it.
and then there is what I have done about it:
Up until last night, I haven't really done anything about it. and i have had a constant lump in my throat, tightness in my chest, and I have cried every time I have talked about any one of those things.
And then Heavenly Father sent me a miracle: I hit rock bottom. I peed my pants. Haha!! I had ran myself so rugged yesterday that I didn't give myself time to go to the bathroom, so as I was trying to find my keys to get inside the apartment last night, it suddenly hit me: I needed to pee. and NOW. Problem is that I wasn't so familiar with my new keys for the new place that I didn't know which one to use. I sort of danced my way over the the curb to sit down and figure out which one to use, and that helped for a minute, and I was able to find the right key! I was walking towards the door when I couldn't hold it ANYMORE!! I am embarrassed to admit that I peed my pants on my own doorstep. Luckily my son was asleep, so I hurried and changed, and put him in his own bed... and realized what a miracle it was that the only pair of garments I had were no longer wearable!! I took a bubble bath. And during my bubble bath I realized that that was the first time that I had done anything for myself in TWO WEEKS! So I shaved my legs.
I tell you what, I came out of that bubble bath a new woman. So although last night was a little rough with the little one, I woke up with a new resolve. I was going to take care of myself! I am going to listen to my favorite music while I am unpacking. I bought some new garments! I am going to write on my blog and talk to some of my fellow WOPAS, and I am going to gosh dang it go to the bathroom when I need to! Whew!
I am so relieved.
And I'm starting to love life again.
P.S. If any of you are in the Utah County area, let me know! I want to build up an awesome support group, and I think it would be mutually beneficial! ;)
