Wednesday, April 16, 2014

I have been weighed

"When in situations of stress, we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capabilities perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and were found equal to our tasks; and therefore, let us continue but with a more determined discipleship." (Ensign, Feb. 1979, 73.)

Neal Maxwell

My husband just have me his very full (probably more detailed than it needed to be) disclosure. I had asked for it a few years ago, and had sort of pieced it together, but it was hard to have it laid out before me. Luckily I have a great therapist and support group I could contact and lean on. I'm doing my best to keep the wounds open so I can clean it and not allow it to get infected. It sure is hard though. I read the quote above this morning and it really sang to my soul. Isn't it empowering to know that we were weighed earlier and found equal to our task earlier? And isn't it empowering to know that we have a helpmeet to help us measure up to the the current hard task!

It made me think of the movie 'a knights tale' in it, the bad guy tells Will (the good guy): 'You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?' Isn't that just how satan wants us to think of our trials right now?? 

And so now I say: I have been previously weighed, and have been found equal to the task- and through God, all things are possible. Work hard, sisters, work hard, trust in God, rely on God, and let's beat all of our fears, insecurities, pain and trauma. It's going to be hard, but what in life isn't? And eventually we will have our reward!

Friday, April 4, 2014

Raining bullets

Every day. I feel as if I am battling everyday against the feelings threatening to overpower me. And I am. I got a new confession Every. Single. Day. this week. Every day. I have been working hard to remind myself of the feelings of peace. In group, we learned that letting go isn't about cutting ourselves off from our spouses, but creating a perimeter around ourselves as a defense if we are wounded. Well, I have a few wounds accumulated this week. It's pretty sucky. This week I worked hard to show my love for him while keeping my distance. So when he admits to the slip of the day, I don't have my shield of anger to protect me- just raw pain. Sucky raw pain that cuts deep. Okay, but what are you going to so about it, ash dear? (Excuse the cutesy self talk ;)) Answer: (say it together, class) self care, boundaries, dailies. Let's just hope it's going to be enough to get me through this weather, it's raining bullets.