what a way to bring in the new year.

So here is the big news:

J signed up for Addo Recovery all by himself.

I was so excited about it because like I said, I don't believe words anymore, just actions, and that was definitely an action.

But I haven't heard anything about it since, and he has been really irritable lately. I'm just not "enough" lately. But I have totally been in survival mode the last few weeks. My little guy is on his starting on his third straight week of ear infections. THIRD STRAIGHT WEEK. Little to no sleep wears on me. Bad. I'm lucky if I get  a shower every three days because my hubby works 60+ hour weeks and I don't have much help around the house or at night because he has to get up early. I'm exhausted. But I guess in all of that, I forgot to ask about how his day at work was. Whoops.

Ugh.

We haven't had a real fight in a long long time because we have gotten pretty good at talking things through before we blow up, but tonight we had a doozy. He was pushing all of my buttons- and I was pushing his. I am sure glad I have this little blog of mine to vent on- I don't know what I would do without it.

Welcome to the world, 2015.

Why do we fall, Bruce?

Hey-

Why is it that we are always sick over here? Last night we were in urgent care trying to figure out why my little ones fever wouldn't go down- well turns out his ear infection from never went away even after the antibiotics. Poor baby! The lack of sleep and winter sickie germs gave me a pretty awful cold with a nice fever of my own.... We've watched a ton a ton of movies the past two days- one of which was Finding Nemo. During the shark addict scene I giggled. The first time I ever watched the show, I didn't really get it- I had to have it explained to me that people at Alcoholics Anonymous use the same greetings in their groups- and then I thought it was hilarious and got the puns. The first time I ever went to LDS twelve steps for the wives- part of what cracked the ice for me was when I said my name- and they said "hello Ashley" in unison.... I thought it was hilarious because who would have guessed I would ever needed support? And yet- in that moment I got it!! I needed support! 

Watching that part was a little reminder too that I hadn't written on here- whoops!  Well now I did, and tomorrow I will tell you all the big news! Tata for now, this sickie is taking a nap!

Shame Church Talk

Soooo, I was about to go into shame about not posting again yesterday, and I will write a whole post tomorrow about why (I'm telling you, it's big!) Anyway, today I gave that talk in church! I am sure you will recognize parts of it, because part of it came from my blog! haha! Gotta love recovery work- totally helps when you're in a pinch and have to write a talk. Love you my WoPA pals! Thanks for loving me like unto thyself! (you'll get it after you read my talk ;) haha!

The topic I was given today was “goals” I figure that there have been enough talks about how to set goals, and which goals to set, so I wanted to address an important topic that tends to stand in the way when we set goals- and almost always wins the battle. Shame. Shame is hard to define, but luckily, my favorite researcher over at Texas University, Dr. Brene Brown who studies both shame and vulnerability created a definition for us:

Shame is "Intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."

Here are the differences between 4 things that previously I had thought were all basically the same thing: Embarrassment, Humiliation Guilt, and Shame. Here are the basics:

Embarrassment: Least powerful- mostly embarrassing situations that can happen.

Shame: "I am bad" Behavior makes you a bad person

Guilt: "I did something bad" Not condoning behavior you are not proud of.

Humiliation: "People believe they deserve their Shame, but they don't feel that they deserve humiliation."

Shame is thinking "I am such a bad mother for feeding my child so much candy" Guilt is thinking "I am feeding my child more candy than I would like." Do you see the difference? Have you heard the phrase "people don't change?" It is so so so much easier to change a behavior rather than changing a belief that you hold about yourself!! Guilt motivates change- Shame paralyzes.

God gave us guilt. According to LDS.org, All people are born with the capacity to distinguish between right and wrong. This ability, called conscience, is a manifestation of the Light of Christ . When we do something wrong, it is called “Remorse” or “guilt” True to form the adversary takes something that is god-given and twists it- giving us shame because he “seeketh all men to be miserable like-unto himself” 2^nd Nephi 2:27.

How Shame keeps us from reaching our goals:

Characteristics of Shame:

·      Seeks Social Isolation and Emotional Withdrawal

·      Feels Lack of Trust in one’s self

·      Experiences Constricted Spontaneity

·      Repeats similar mistakes

·      Relies on Rigid Behavior

  Characteristics of Guilt:

·      Participates in the social process of recovery from Shame

·      Trusts one’s opinion and feelings

·      Experiences Joy

·      Learns from Past Experience

·      Approaches problems with flexibility

-Dr. Tim Sheehan

Not only can Shame stop us from achieving our goals, it can stop us from feeling like we are able to even set goals in the first place!

So, I know what I want you to be thinking right now: I want you to be thinking “Ashley, if shame can make you freeze and stops you from moving forward, HOW on EARTH do you get out of it?” Doesn’t it seem like one big trap?

God gives us the antidote- It's in Leviticus: "Love thy neighbor as thyself"

Let’s go back to my girl, Dr. Brene Brown’s research: She found that the one thing that combats Shame is EMPATHY! Empathy. Crazy right? The thing that gets us out of our Shame Freeze is hearing someone else say “I understand, I’ve been there too” or “That’s happened to me too” or “It’s okay, you’re normal. – Because shame tells us the exact opposite: “Don’t tell anyone- it’s not normal” or “no one understands what it’s like.” But as you are able to share your goals with others, you’ll see that you are more like your fellow human beings than you thought. If you thought of a goal you want to set, but don’t think anyone else would get it- chances are the person sitting in the pew right behind you has thought the same thing about himself or herself. It takes vulnerability. Don’t they say that goals that are said out loud are 60% more likely to happen- 80% if you share it with someone else!

So go ahead! Share your goals with someone- be willing to be vulnerable- Who knows? You may even find in that person a desire to work on the same thing and who will work on it at the same time as you! Love thy neighbor as thyself, and get out of the shame that is holding you back.

In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen.

BOOK CLUB!! Chapter 2: Shame Resilience and the Power of Empathy

So This week as I was reading the chapter, I had in mind the fact that I speak in church in the back of my mind. The subject of the talk is goals. I was having a hard time of it until I realized that "Goals" is a pretty broad subject- I didn't have to talk about which goals to set, or how to set them- I could just talk about some of the things that get in the way of accomplishing goals- and Shame, Fear, and Lack of Vulnerability are a few of them of them.

So that's what I was thinking about when I started out this chapter, and the subject of shame resiliency is perfect! There is nothing that can make us freeze up and not achieve goals more than shame. 

I love that she comes write out and says that shame is unavoidable. As long as we crave connection, the threat of disconnection- which leads straight to shame- will always be there. But we can gain a resiliency by recognizing shame when we experience it and learn to "move through it in a constructive way that allows us to maintain our authenticity and grown from our experiences." Shame breeds fear, blame, and disconnection- and the only way to conquer shame is with Empathy which breeds courage compassion and connection.

Yo-yo

So today was christmas- and I get SO giddy about christmas time. Hubby, baby and I went over to my parent's house to spend the holiday! I would tease and joke and flirt with my husband in my excitement- and then I would look at him and remember that I haven't had a check-in in over a month, and we used to do it every night and that he rented a red-box by himself two days ago after watching the trailer with me and knowing that there was a "scene" in it.

There ended up not being a scene, so he didn't "act out," but it wasn't until I came straight out and asked him that he dug deep and realized that there were ulterior motives there that he realized it had been a close one.... but then I never heard anything about work that he had done about it after that realization.

But bringing it back to christmas, and me going back and forth between being fun and giddy and feeling unsafe... I didn't realize I was really doing it. It was just a complete turn off if he flirted or joked first- it was only okay if I called the shots.

It wasn't until J called me out on it- and on how it made him hurt that I was doing it that I realized it was even going on. He said he felt like he was a yo-yo, and that I was yanking the chain. Obviously, I know how that feels. So I apologized about the chain-jerking, but was able to explain why I couldn't stay in that happy mood more permanently.

He took a second to get out of victim mode, which I appreciated, and we had a really good talk. And here is what it comes down to:

1: J wants to go back to counseling, and misses it. (YAY- I've been waiting for it to be his idea and finally it was!)

and

2: I need time to heal, and some slack to be able to do it on my own time table- and he agrees!

Thank you Christmas Angels- you gave me a miracle! :)

Proposal

Guys. Yesterday was  the first day (and I'm hoping the last) since my commitment to write on this blog every day. Now. Ordinarily, I would beat up on myself, but I have learned better than to let Shame get the best of me. Let me just tell you WHY I missed writing on here yesterday, because it was a very busy and full and amazing day.

First: I met Laurie from Finding my Healing and had my very first face to face meeting with a fellow Blogger WoPA! I have my girls from LifeStar, but she is the first contact from the internet web of awesome WoPA sisters that I have met face to face! It was so fun, and so good to just chat and KNOW that we understood each other better than most people, such a healing thing for me!

Second: My sister got engaged, and I wasn't bitter about it- in fact I was completely ecstatic for her. It's so crazy that only a year ago (and I was talking to Laurie about this) I would look at newly in love couples, couples who just got engaged, or were googly eyed at each other in the halls at school, and I would purposefully be that awkward person who would walk between them... BAHAHA!! I feel so silly admitting that! But seriously. I would act oblivious so that they thought I was just distracted by my thoughts or by my phone... you know. But while I was walking between them, I would always think to myself. "This is just the start- once you find out about his porn issue, you wouldn't want to stand so close anyway." Bah! That makes me sound crazy- but it's true! It is an absolute miracle that my little baby amazing sister is getting engaged to a guy- and I am happy about it. Do I think she's a bit disillusioned about what marriage will be like? yes. Do I think she will call me crying because of fights or difficult things that might arise while you are figuring out how to be married? Probably. But you know what? She asked all the questions that she needed to ask- and she did all the research that she needed to do. Does that always prove to be correct? no. 

But what I got out of this whole experience is this: We all have our lives to live, and we are all doing our best to live the best life we can give to ourselves. Before, I hated hearing about people getting engaged- because to me, I had a beautiful engagement story, even if it wasn't perfect. And because of that- I  thought I could see through these "beautiful engagement stories" and see what was REALLY going to happen to them once the rose colored glasses come off. And it may actually come down to that- But guess what I realized about myself as I was sitting there crying for joy with my sister? I changed. I am still okay being there to comfort, and chear and just be there for the really incredibly hard parts of life- but I am learning that I am also just as happy to be there for the really happy times too! 

It is so liberating- I feel like I don't have to be a slave to my bitterness anymore- and with that goes my desire to push my bitterness onto other people! I think Abe Lincoln said it perfectly:

"This is a world of compensations; and he who would be no slave, must consent to have no slave. Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it."

The religion talk

So remember a few posts back when I was talking about how religion was a touchy subject in J and I's marriage? 

Well, today is the day that the topic got brought up again.... and.... it went soooo good! We were able to talk about some of the things we have in common. I was able to relate to his distaste for mormon culture- but love for the doctrine, and how hard it is to separate the two sometimes.

We were also both able to share some of our personal beliefs that differed a little bit- and it was refreshing to have those differences not turn into a fight.

The conversation turned to how we want to open that conversation channel again- and I can't tell you how happy that made me.

Lots of tears were shed, hearts were opened.

I would saw that today was a win

Stressors

Just posting about a little victory that I had today.

In the past, when J would talk about stressors in his life, I would go out of my way- to extremes even- to fix it for him. I would put too much on my plate, offend people by canceling plans long in the making, and even do little extra things that would make his life easier for him in day-to-day life. This irrational part of me said that if his life was stressful enough that he acted out- and I didn't do my part to ease that stress- the acting out would be at least partly on me.

Today, J was talking about some of the upcoming things that were stressing him out, and I didn't try to fix it. I told him that if he could think of anything that I could do to help, like make a lunch for him for work or the like, that I would see what I could do. But I didn't go into planning mode- I didn't start scheming about ironing shirts and shining shoes. He's a big boy, and I know that he can handle that stuff. I love that I have freed myself from those destructive thoughts- not that they don't pop in every once in a while- but I am able to see them for what they are: Unhealthy.

FINALLY. Something that is clear cut in this whole mess. Thank you Heavenly Father.

Goddess in Training

The name of my blog has kind of been my personal motto ever since I can remember. I have always loved the imagery that comes with the phrase "someday I will be like him" referring to us becoming like our Heavenly Father- a God.... But I'm a girl, so I know that I won't be exactly like him- I'll be more like our Heavenly Mother- and if Heavenly Father is a God, that makes Heavenly Mother a Goddess. Isn't that just so DANG exciting!? 

A couple of things have happened in my life that really confirmed the idea that this is the potential that lives inside of me:

First is THIS talk by Brad Wilcox at a BYU devotional.  Reading this talk helped me realize my true potential without making me feel overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of it. He shows how the Savior's atonement makes it possible for us to be able to "practice" being like him. It helped me to understand what God's grace is truly about. I love the piano analogy- it hits my heart so powerfully Every. Time. I. Read. It... If you haven't read it- DO!  And have a box of tissues handy.

Second: I have had friends that I have been blessed to be close to during hard times in their lives- and Heavenly Father has shown me just how BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING each of their potentials are- and was able to share it with them. Super powerful and very special times for me.

Third: When I was first married to my husband, I had a dream in which I saw my husband as he might have looked in the pre-mortal life. A strong warrior just SHINING with light. It was the most beautiful sight that I had ever seen. It was during a time where I hated him with all my heart- but I feel that heavenly father wanted me to see his true potential and where he had come from so that I would stick it out at least this far and learn all the amazing things I have learned from this whole experience... I think. Still not sure on the why- but the dream was very distinct and beautiful.

THAT's why the name of my blog is so important to me, and it reminds me of my potential every time I read it... and now I hope that it does the same thing for you too.

Love ya!

Ash

BOOK CLUB!! Chapter 1: Understanding Shame

Okay, so I got my book on amazon e-reader, since the copy that I owned is probably still in a box somewhere. This time around I have been able to either listen to the book or just read it. I'm going to be 100% honest right now: The stories of shame were pretty hard for me to get through- I found myself zoning out because I didn't want to read them or listen to them. It's funny how she almost called me out on it- but I love how she did it! I love that she gave an example of how she herself did the same thing in relation to one of the stories- how she showed that it is only human for us to do so. Because this was my second time through this chapter, I paused it, and went back so that I could lean into the discomfort, and I did pretty good at keeping up with the stories, and leaning into the pain. I still found myself doing the thinking that she described, like "So glad I don't have to go through that." type of thinking- thinking that distances myself from the pain that the shame is so obviously causing. Also, she called it when she said that the stories that are related to the stuff that I am going through are strangely comforting. I really found myself connecting to the story of the wife who is pretty sure that her community leader, and great father of a husband is addicted to internet porn. It was comforting, like my pal Brene said, because it shows that I am definitely not alone in this- I am not alone in being afraid that if anyone finds out, they will think less of him, or like he is a pervert. I am not alone in being afraid that other people will treat me or my son differently because of the stupid addiction. Oddly, relived, and yet, oddly, shameful- although maybe not as shameful as I was feeling about it before.

So that being said- Yes. The first part of the chapter made me feel "uncomfortably familiar" with all of these emotions, and I can't tell you how RELIEVED I felt when I read the words "Shame Resiliency" If there is a way to conquer this beast, by golly, I want to get there! I went into the next part of the chapter with my heart wide open and boy am I glad I decided to read on.

The next part of the chapter was life-changing to me the first time that I read it- It talks about the difference between 4 things that previously I had thought were all basically the same thing: Embarrassment, Humiliation Guilt, and Shame. Here are the basics:

Embarrassment: Least powerful- mostly embarrassing situations that can happen.

Shame: "I am bad" Behavior makes you a bad person

Guilt: "I did something bad" Not condoning behavior you are not proud of.

Humiliation: "People believe they deserve their Shame, but they don't feel that they deserve humiliation."

And here is how it changed my life:

I was able to recognize the SECOND I had a shaming thought- and I was able to rearrange the thought from Shame and into Guilt. I went from thinking "I am such a bad mother for feeding my child so much candy" to "I am feeding my child more candy than I would like." Do you see the difference? Have you heard the phrase "people don't change?" It is so so so much easier to change a behavior rather than changing a belief that you hold about yourself!! Guilt motivates change- Shame paralyzes.

The rest of the chapter is great, but I honestly didn't get there this week. Did anybody Else? What did you think? Do you have any additional insights from the beginning of the book?

My favorite quotes from this chapter:

"You can not Shame or Belittle people into changing their behaviors"

"You cant force people into making positive changes by putting them down or threatening them with rejection, humiliating them in front of others, or belittling them"

Experiencing Shame is excruciating, Listening to Shame can be almost equally as excruciating.

Defining Shame:

"Intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging"

ALSO!! I found a link with like FOUR of the exercises that we used in phase 4 on it! I'll put it down here!

First sightings of Numbness

I never realize when I start feeling numb until I am kind of forced to acknowledge my emotional and spiritual state. So this is a big thing: I think this is the earliest I have caught it- I usually don't figure it out until days into it.

Today I am feeling numb.

I am trying to figure out why. I think part of it may have been the institute christmas concert that I went to last night at UVU. It was beautiful and amazing. GORGEOUS- and my two year old was a champ and didn't scream once in it!

J was there too. I wasn't sitting by him, but I worked pretty hard to keep my little one on the DL so that he could focus. I was really hoping that he would feel the spirit. Every single one of the singers up on that staged looked like they wanted to touch the audience- and like they meant every beautiful word that they were singing.

I would look over at him periodically, and I couldn't read him, but I hoped. Anyway, fast forward to after we got home from the concert, and we were talking whilst sampling some fudge after the kiddo was in bed. He brought up how bitter he was at all the singers. He started talking about how the wise-men found out about Christ's birth and started looking for the star based off of the words of men. And I instantly jumped into defensive mode- like I had time and time again whenever he brings up religious stuff. He kept going off about the fact that we don't hear about other people sending angels down anymore, and what's with that?

I was a little defensive in my speech at that point, but I was able to take a step back and try to analyze why I was feeling so uptight about it all- and I realized what it is: I believe the story of christmas with all my heart- and I am so incredibly grateful for my savior, and for the amazing things that happened to signify his birth! I felt like him questioning things was him calling me stupid for believing them. I felt like he was calling me naive.

Guys. 

I think that's why I am feeling numb today- because yesterday was such a roller coaster spiritually. First being completely engulfed in the spirit and feeling so grateful, to feeling so stupid for believing the stories. Is that possible? To feel numb because I felt two such conflicting emotions the day before? Religion has turned into such a raw subject in my house, and I hate it. I just don't know exactly what to do about it.

I guess I could just be up front and say:

"I feel like religion is a huge raw spot in our marriage, and I don't like it. What do you think?" and go from there...

Maybe I will just give that a go later tonight. Wish me luck!

Acceptance

I feel complicated and conflicted about being called a WoPA, I am proud to be associated with such an AMAZING group of women. Seriously, all of the women that I have associated with have inspired me in some way or form to be a little bit better- a little bit closer to the end goal. That being said, it isn't everything about who I am. It is listed along side of a bunch of other things about myself:

I love basketball, making cookies, I dance whenever I can even though my dancing isn't normal, and usually goes along nicely to the beat of the beach boys (my favorite band growing up) My new favorite band is the Killers, especially their new album, I struggle reading scriptures but I love reading conference talks,  I want to be a dentist when I grow up and am bummed that it isn't moving as fast as I like- speaking of, I am also impatient. I value quality over quantity, except when I am broke, then that switches around. I am a mother of an adorable two year old boy, I am a wife of a fiery red head, a WoPA- which is the hardest trial I have ever had in my life. The best and fastest way of self care for me when something comes up with that is to sing VERY loudly in the car on a drive to really anywhere. I love surprises,  birthdays, and holidays. I have a serious face on when I get onto Pinterest, because I don't pin anything without having 100% intentions to do it- and I would say I have done at least 80% of them... I feel obligated to share them on social media, but don't and then feel guilty about it? haha! I have always been terrible at blogging, but I have had a blog ever since I was a freshman in college.  I am usually a very optimistic person, which can be annoying, even to me sometimes. I think it's a gift that God gave me- to be able to see good in all situations. I have never been very good at being hard on myself- I have pretty much always had high self esteem to the point of being cocky (a fault of mine), but I have experienced two years of my life when I understood what it felt like to feel worthless. I hated being pregnant, but I loved labor. I have been trying to teach myself how to knit for a month now, and haven't gotten anywhere, but I am pretty good at crocheting. I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, especially the gift of the sacrament. I struggle with budgeting, and have come a LONG way from where I was before, and working to be better at it every day.

This is me. Being a WoPA is a HUGE part of what made me who I am today, I wouldn't be who I am without it! But it doesn't have to DEFINE me. Something that I read on another blog really hit home to me and I have been thinking about it on and off for the past week or so, I couldn't find where I read it, or I would put a link to it, but another WoPA said that she had a bishop who told her that God didn't give her this trial, her husband did. I also liked a line I heard on a TV show somewhere: "I don't like any labels put on me that I didn't work hard to earn, like Ph D., or MD. " I don't know why, but those two lines really tied themselves together inside of me: I didn't work hard to become a WoPA, I just became one! However, I am working VERY hard to heal from the trauma and pain of Being a WoPA.  See how complicated my feelings are toward those four letters? love/hate. 

Either way, it is a part of who I am now, and I accept that. Acceptance. That's a good word for it.

I accept that I am a WoPA

Your lips are movin

I almost feel guilty about this post because I know that there are so many out there who are dying for their spouses to admit that they have a problem. My problem over here is the opposite: my husband knows he has a problem. I can't count how many times I have heard the phrase 'I am an addict.' But the problem is that he doesn't do anything (that I see) about it. It's almost become a catch phrase- a way to diffuse tension whenever I bring it up... I want to snap back: "Yes! But what does that mean??" In the past, there was a range of emotions that would come with that phrase. He would say "I am an addict" and I would be ashamed for a brief moment, and then after a round of almost every emotion in the book, I would end on being extremely proud of him for owning that part of where he was.

Now, I just cringe. I'm trying to figure out how to describe it, and I think I figured it out: I had started to truly forgive him. And part of that was all the work that he had done to start towards making amends. But now, he works 50+ hours a week, and says that that is the reason why he is feeling disconnected from me. I am not quite so sure. I can agree that it is definitely part of the reason, I can! But I don't think it's solely that. I think his addict is desperately trying to hide behind those hours, so as to explain the disconnect. 

Here is how I see it: I am working real recovery every. single. day. as a part of my goal to write on this blog daily. It has inspired me to open up my recovery literature again, and it feels so good. I feel like I am finally back on the road towards recovery. J on the other hand, as far as I have seen, has been irritable (which could be a mix of work- but is almost always a tell-tale sign of addict behavior for me), and broken at least two of the bottom lines that he has told me about. 

I am just sick of hearing "I'm an addict, so I don't trust myself with a smartphone (or tablet or anything technological) yet" and yet listening to incessant talk about how badly he wants one- when he isn't WORKING towards getting one... I keep having the same line that he said the other week playing over and over in my head: "If I am being totally honest with myself, I am not doing my recovery work like I wanted to."

I only get this frustrated when I get involved in his recovery work, so I need to take a step back, and recognize that there is nothing that I can do about his recovery work, except let him do it on his own. But I also need to look at what got me into this chain of thinking, which is this: I can't fully forgive and let go if I don't feel like I am safe. I don't have to feel crazy for working towards a career that will sustain me and my son if things get to the point where I have to leave.

In the end it comes down to this: I don't believe words anymore- I only believe actions.