I thought that one time was enough.

I have gone through therapy one time. I have all the tools that I need to take care of myself. But I don't use them. I have in a way forgotten why they are so important and why they work. 

The tools in therapy don't make sense if you are in trauma. In fact, they are a bit opposite of what you naturally want to do when you are getting hurt over and over. It's natural to want to try to control who and what is hurting you- especially when it's your husband. It is completely unnatural to talk to someone outside of your marriage about these really intimate things. It is so hard to do it when you A) don't know why it is important to use the tools you have and B) are NOT in the habit to do so.

The first time I went through therapy, I thought that I was learning these temporary tools while my husband was "getting over" his addiction. 

While there are a few different things that are wrong about that thinking- there is one thing that is squarely on my mind about this whole thing: 

"temporary." I sincerely thought that I would only need these tools while we were on this difficult mountain of life, and then once we were over the hill and down in the valley, I could ditch my tools and live a "normal" life. 

The fact of the matter is this: I will never live a normal life. 

It is something that I have had to learn and morn and accept. From the time that I found out about my then Fiance's porn addiction, I was changed. After we married, I was changed even more. I have lived through the hell of trauma, and still have flashbacks and panic episodes.  I will never be normal. (whatever normal is)

So here I am in therapy for the second time, and I'm going through the work and more memories and flashbacks that I hadn't addressed the first time are coming back to me, and I think it's because I am finally accepting that this is a lifelong process. I am finally accepting that I need these tools to be in my life even during the healthy times. 

I am finally accepting that being socially healthy is equally as important as being spiritually healthy, and being emotionally healthy is just as important as being physically healthy, and doing all of those things are equally as important as being mentally healthy. The are all equal. 

I used to kind of brush off the social health aspect, I would send off a text to somebody (one text), and check that off of my list as connecting socially. And I would wonder why my husband couldn't fill this unknown void of connection. I think even if he wasn't an addict and unable to fully connect because of it, connecting socially outside of the home is so incredibly important.

So. I guess I have more to learn this time around- and I'm pulling out the cement, because I'm finally ready to embrace the me that I am becoming, and I'm ready to make it permanent.