Pain

*note this could be a triggering post'

Man, my husband has been sober for 7 days now. Today, he asked me to shower with him and I said no. I didn't want my body to be added to the body count this last week. He went into this whole spiel about how it's okay for him to be attracted to me and want his wife, and it's okay if he feels rejected because of it. He then added a little side note with his generic 'I'm sorry I hurt you.' I didn't realize it, but this whole exchange really triggered me. Memories started floating back reminding me that I haven't had a shower when he's at home without him walking in on me in a really long time. I have come to expect it. I remembered times pre-recovery when I felt like a piece of meat he was admiring. It made me feel so violated. I realized that I had started to try to wait until he left to shower on my own without him here... Totally subconsciously. Anyway, so I asked him if he would watch our son while I showered. Well, I got out and soon after he went and took a nap. When he woke up, I tried talking about my new realization, and he got really defensive. He swore. (Only his addict swears.) He got defensive, and said that everything I was saying was 'Bull-S***' 

He stormed up to campus. On his way out the door, I told him not to come home tonight. Three hours later, he texts to find out if he was coming home tonight, and I called him. Mostly because I was hoping to talk to my husband again, and not his freaking addict. Needless to say, I didn't get what I hoped, and I calmly asked him to stay the night somewhere else. The first time it was out of anger, the second time out of pain and pure boundaries. God help me keep strong. The last thing I need is for someone to tell me that my trauma is Bull- especially from the source of the trauma. 

I need space to heal. Usually, he had been really good to apologize and realize when his addict is in control, however, today he didn't want to be. And I can't control that. But I can keep myself safe. Which I am going to do. Self care. Reach out. Dailies. God help me keep stepping forward.

Preparedness

My husband's addict doesn't know what it wants. When we first got married, he loved that I wanted to work. Now, seeing me working towards a career makes him feel like I'm preparing to leave him, which I'm not. However, I'm also not in a position to fully trust him either.

I've watched my little sister be a single mom, and her struggle alone has convinced me that I need a plan B. Plan A is the best plan, and there are multiple options and little things to be adjusted withing plan A. Plan A is to stay with my husband, obtain a graduate degree, and ultimately live in recovery with him and the children I will want to have once he is sober long enough for me to want to or myself down more.

Plan B is dreadful. Plan B would be me coming to the conclusion after much prayer and study to leave. Plan B is only there to be used if J gives up. I honestly don't see me ever carrying out plan B. He is being very active in his recovery. But the fact that I have a plan B scares him. 

After watching my sister and her struggles, I have determined to have  a career to fall back on, one that makes enough money that I can afford to actually spend quality time with my child without worrying that if I do I will be living without electricity.  I realize that schooling could be hell. But I honestly feel like The Lord is guiding me. If he wanted me to stop with my plan, I would. 100% I would. But he is there with me, and so I'm pressing on. If I am able to continue with plan A, my preparations will only add... If not, I am not going to be sol. It's logical, and I believe that God will be there helping me to raise my son... And I believe that everything will work out if I trust in him.

Post-slip

I think the hardest part about having a confession happen is knowing that the addict has a little more control over my husbands actions, which means less of the husband I love (or that I once loved, and hope to love again) and more of the addict's selfish behavior. In j's case, that means a loss in self-confidence and ambition. He feels lost and hates that I am not suddenly in that place with him. In the past, I would stop talking about my hopes and dreams and what I'm doing to get there, and focus on getting him back in his good place so that I could go back to my hopes and dreams too. This time, I skipped that detour, and it came back and bit me in the bum. I wouldn't save him, and he hated it. 

I have wanted to be a doctor since I was little. When I met J, I was pre-med but hadn't done any of the pre-reqs yet. Then as I got more and more co-dependent I forgot all about my dreams and focused all of my energy on him since he didn't have any direction- and I pushed him to be a doctor- which was my dream! Haha. He ended up choosing law instead. As I am getting out of my co-dependency I am being drawn back to my original interests and I'm wanting a serious career to fall back on too- just in case. Because I have no idea where I will be in five years- I know where I want to be, but I know better than to only eat a diet of hopes and leave out the logic.

Yesterday he attacked me for it. Hard core. Him slipping did have some impact on my good ole self esteem, but I managed to feel peace despite it through some good work on my part. (If I do say so myself ;)) However, when I refused to rescue him, he attacked me (verbally) on all sides, I think he was trying to find a weak spot. He found it. I am already pretty sensitive about the whole med-school thing because I have been so involved in trying to fix him, that I completely forgot who I was. I am still pretty shaky and nervous about it and haven't told anybody but him, my school counselor, and my sister about my schooling plan. To everyone else, I just say 'grad school' without being specific... And no one has second guessed it. 

...whoa tangent. Back to the story. He attacked my schooling plans (the addict hates them, But J is usually way supportive of them), and I calmly told him that the day after a slip doesn't seem like a good time to talk about the future to me. He kept going, so I told him that the fact that he had looked at porn the day before made it so that I wasn't in the best mindset to discuss the future with him. He then went on to go into some detail of the type of porn that he looked at, and I left the room. Cried. A lot. I mean, really?

My little guy (18 months!) has been developing a lot lately- he now cries whenever he sees someone else crying. What a tender-hearted little guy. But I don't know what to do about it... I don't want to hide so he thinks it's not okay to cry, but man! I swear I'm a crying wreck once a month (about how far apart the slips are getting).  Is it healthy for him to see me cry? I hope so. 

The further away from the slip and the harder he works towards recovery, the better things are getting. But I can't help but wonder... Is this my new life?  Am I okay with it? My honest answer: I am okay and happy with the work he is doing. I am not okay with the porn. I am not okay with getting knocked over every month. So here's what I am needing to be safe: to keep J at arms length until I can start to trust him again. But this whole one month and then slip act is getting old. I take one step towards him and then he knocks me down and pushes me ten steps back.

I was going to end there, but I thought of 

One last thing.

Would I do it all over again? The hell that I have lived since getting married to a Porn Addict? I don't know. It may sound co-dependent, but he never actually tried this hard before marriage, so The co-dependent side of me totally would. But this I know: as we work towards our own recoveries, my husband and I are slowly but surely working our way back towards each other. As we trust in the same source- a loving father in heaven who, if we give him the reigns rather than trying to control eachother's or our own lives, will guide us back into eachother's arms.

Another slip.

I woke up today knowing that today would be a slip up day. I could see it coming. And I woke up, and saw his face and knew. So I've been preparing myself all day- boosting my spirits, careful not to numb with TV, and focused on my own recovery. When he got home from school and told me that he had acted out... I wasn't even a little bit surprised. I calmly talked about it, told two of my support girls, and have been debating on what else I could do to maintain this sense of peace that I'm feeling. Am I upset about it? Yes. Am I annoyed? Yes. Do I trust that he's actually finally going to overcome this someday? Yes. I really do. He's doing good work, hard work, outside of his comfort zone work. And I trust the process. I keep waiting for the devastation to wash over me, but it hasn't happened yet. I feel like my life is manageable and that I know what to expect out of it. Is it peace? I think I'm achieving peace. Finally. 

When you say nothing at all...

So my husband and I are getting ready to go to a jazz game, but the closer it gets the more addict behavior is coming out... Blaming, snapping at little stupid things, being passive aggressive, you know the drill. 

I have been training for a moment like this- but what happens? I get so caught up in it that i forget it all. Geez. I need a sponsor- someone who has been through this and has gotten good at dealing with the stupid addict. Someone I can call and talk it through who has been through it all. 

I know you're out there sponsor... But how do I find you?

Building my toolbox, just in case

I thought today that I should be writing on here on the good days, and not just on the bad days, so here I am! My hubby has been doing some excellent work. He has been sober for a month on Saturday, the longest stretch that I can remember!  I am still cautious that this will be it, and I feel like I am just waiting for him to say "ash........" In that tone that I know so well. But I'm working my own recovery, and I am refusing to live in fear- it's no way to live. I am also not going to live in denial, and I think it is a good thing to spiritually and mentally prepare for the worst, and if it never comes, well, being prepared can only help! :) I am in the process of putting together a list of scripture references that will help get me through the rough times. It has been such a good experience to find some scriptures that just speak to my soul. I thought that I would share them on my blog :) 

Romans 5:3-5

3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

2 Corinthians 4:17

 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; 

 Psalms 119:116-117

116 Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live: and let me not be ashamed of my hope.

117 Hold thou me up, and I shall be safe: and I will have respect unto thy statutes continually.

So far I have found these three scriptures that just speak to my heart! The funny thing is that they all come out of the bible, which I never had really read before this trial... It makes my heart happy knowing that all during that time when the gospel hadn't been restored, that The Lord didn't leave his children high and dry, that he was able to give peace through his beautiful words through this book. Look at me, now I'm rambling! Help me build my list!! Do you have any scriptures that just speak to your soul? Share with me!

And should we die before our journey's through...

Come come ye saints, no toil or labor fear

But with joy wend your way.

Though hard to you, this journey may appear,

Grace shall be as your day.

Tis better far for us to strive, 

our useless cares from us to drive.

Do this and joy your hearts will swell.

All is well, All is well.

I don't believe that it's a coincidence that this song hits so true to so many WoPAs. I don't believe it's a coincidence that we have been given this challenge today. I don't believe that we were chosen at random. Much like the pioneers were chosen because they had the willpower to get to zion, we were chosen because we have the willpower to fight an unseen enemy- a moral problem that is considered "okay" or "normal" in our society. I DO believe that by handing over control to God, that our trauma, pain, and grief will all be overcome through the atonement of Christ. I also believe that God didn't leave us here alone without help from our  brothers and sisters. He didn't leave us here without tools to help overcome our grief, like therapy, 12-step groups, and SA lifeline spouse meetings. We are pioneers. 

And should we die before our journey's through, 

Happy day, all is well.

We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;

With the just we shall dwell.

But if our lives are spared again

to see the saints their rest obtain;

Oh how we'll make this chorus swell!

All is well, All is well.