Pain

*note this could be a triggering post'

Man, my husband has been sober for 7 days now. Today, he asked me to shower with him and I said no. I didn't want my body to be added to the body count this last week. He went into this whole spiel about how it's okay for him to be attracted to me and want his wife, and it's okay if he feels rejected because of it. He then added a little side note with his generic 'I'm sorry I hurt you.' I didn't realize it, but this whole exchange really triggered me. Memories started floating back reminding me that I haven't had a shower when he's at home without him walking in on me in a really long time. I have come to expect it. I remembered times pre-recovery when I felt like a piece of meat he was admiring. It made me feel so violated. I realized that I had started to try to wait until he left to shower on my own without him here... Totally subconsciously. Anyway, so I asked him if he would watch our son while I showered. Well, I got out and soon after he went and took a nap. When he woke up, I tried talking about my new realization, and he got really defensive. He swore. (Only his addict swears.) He got defensive, and said that everything I was saying was 'Bull-S***' 

He stormed up to campus. On his way out the door, I told him not to come home tonight. Three hours later, he texts to find out if he was coming home tonight, and I called him. Mostly because I was hoping to talk to my husband again, and not his freaking addict. Needless to say, I didn't get what I hoped, and I calmly asked him to stay the night somewhere else. The first time it was out of anger, the second time out of pain and pure boundaries. God help me keep strong. The last thing I need is for someone to tell me that my trauma is Bull- especially from the source of the trauma. 

I need space to heal. Usually, he had been really good to apologize and realize when his addict is in control, however, today he didn't want to be. And I can't control that. But I can keep myself safe. Which I am going to do. Self care. Reach out. Dailies. God help me keep stepping forward.