I thought that one time was enough.

I have gone through therapy one time. I have all the tools that I need to take care of myself. But I don't use them. I have in a way forgotten why they are so important and why they work. 

The tools in therapy don't make sense if you are in trauma. In fact, they are a bit opposite of what you naturally want to do when you are getting hurt over and over. It's natural to want to try to control who and what is hurting you- especially when it's your husband. It is completely unnatural to talk to someone outside of your marriage about these really intimate things. It is so hard to do it when you A) don't know why it is important to use the tools you have and B) are NOT in the habit to do so.

The first time I went through therapy, I thought that I was learning these temporary tools while my husband was "getting over" his addiction. 

While there are a few different things that are wrong about that thinking- there is one thing that is squarely on my mind about this whole thing: 

"temporary." I sincerely thought that I would only need these tools while we were on this difficult mountain of life, and then once we were over the hill and down in the valley, I could ditch my tools and live a "normal" life. 

The fact of the matter is this: I will never live a normal life. 

It is something that I have had to learn and morn and accept. From the time that I found out about my then Fiance's porn addiction, I was changed. After we married, I was changed even more. I have lived through the hell of trauma, and still have flashbacks and panic episodes.  I will never be normal. (whatever normal is)

So here I am in therapy for the second time, and I'm going through the work and more memories and flashbacks that I hadn't addressed the first time are coming back to me, and I think it's because I am finally accepting that this is a lifelong process. I am finally accepting that I need these tools to be in my life even during the healthy times. 

I am finally accepting that being socially healthy is equally as important as being spiritually healthy, and being emotionally healthy is just as important as being physically healthy, and doing all of those things are equally as important as being mentally healthy. The are all equal. 

I used to kind of brush off the social health aspect, I would send off a text to somebody (one text), and check that off of my list as connecting socially. And I would wonder why my husband couldn't fill this unknown void of connection. I think even if he wasn't an addict and unable to fully connect because of it, connecting socially outside of the home is so incredibly important.

So. I guess I have more to learn this time around- and I'm pulling out the cement, because I'm finally ready to embrace the me that I am becoming, and I'm ready to make it permanent.

Let's chat

I am feeling so isolated right now- so can we chat dear internet friends? Can I vent to you like I would love to just vent to a real human being right now in person?...

I used to have really good friends- the kind where you plan on being friends and roommates in rest-homes when you're old and grumpy and grey. I still love them all to pieces, but none of them know about this- And I really don't even talk to them anymore. I met J and I became an awful AWFUL friend, blowing of lunches and bridal showers and baby showers, and eventually they just stopped inviting me. I don't know if it is all J, because I never really learned how to cope healthily with pain until therapy, so I blew off people I felt like I was losing... but it got REALLY bad after meeting him. I remember going to one wedding where all my friends were, and they were all so happy to see us and to meet J, but the whole time we were there (about 5 minutes) I was so worried about making J happy and that he just wanted to leave as soon as possible, that I was distracted and probably SOOOO awkward. But man. I miss them.

I keep telling myself that I'm living healthy. That I'm being mindful. That I don't really need help because I have all the tools that I need- I KNOW what to do. But it's a different thing actually living them, isn't it?

Let me tell you about my situation. I manage a storage unit facility that is surrounded by fields and factories. It is terrible isolating. I moved here 8 months ago- used to having my best friend living next door to me. When I started feeling isolated, It wasn't very hard to get out of that because she was right there. I didn't realize just how much I relied on her. We went on walks together. We were so close. But I moved here with this false idea that because I was moving near family, I could stay out of isolation. But there was something about living within a set of wrought ironed gates that made me feel caged at first- and it really kind of squashed my spirit- especially with my husband working as much as he was.

I DO do my recovery work still- the BIG work. You know, I reach out when I am really needing a pick me up- but as far as the day-to-day things that you think don't make such a difference, I have been lying to myself saying that I have been doing it when it is painfully missing from my life.

I work a one week on, one week off schedule- and honestly it is really hard on my little one and me. My school work is suffering. I feel like my little guy and I just start getting attached and then it's time for me to get back to work, and he detaches. It really isn't healthy for our relationship when we were so used to being the two musketeers (three when dad was in a healthy place)... I hate what it has done to our relationship.

So there. I laid it out. Vulnerability hangover much?

The different kinds of pain

So I caught J acting out today. It's been building, and it's not like I didn't see it coming- he had confessed to me yesterday and the day before that he had done some "addict stuff"- and because I have asked that he doesn't share details, I don't know how to categorize that. He said it was "addict stuff"- And this time was an "act out." Anyway. Because I have seen this one creep up on me, I have been given a gift of clarity, and I feel like I was able to describe to J how different behaviors feel to me.

There are two different kinds of emotional pain for me- a chronic kind of throbbing pain that has a life of it's own, and a sharp stabbing kind of pain. The chronic throbbing pain I attribute to addict behavior... I can live healthy and it gets a bit better, I can numb the pain through netflix or whatnot for a bit, but the pain comes back at unexpected times. Living with my husband when he is in addict mode is like this constant throbbing pain that to the outside world looks like it should be fine- I don't look like I am in pain. Chronic pain in the body rarely manifests itself on the outside. That's how it is living with an addict- everything from the outside looking in looks dandy... and sometimes it is! And then addict mode hits, and I feel like limping all over the place.

The second kind of pain is the sharp pain that I feel when I find out that he has acted out. Like a gun wound in my arm. Catching him acting out is like standing at close range. Having him lie about it is like him moving my arm around trying to show me that I didn't REALLY get shot in the first place. The fact that he has an addiction is the outside proof, it's what people on the outside could see- if I let them. It is what validates that I have pain in the first place- he acts out, and I have the right to be in pain according to everyone else.

Both equally suck- but both also in a twisted way have their perks- addict behavior - that numbing chronic pain- can be ignored when around "normal" people. No one feels uncomfortable, because on the outside you look like your life is in order, and in a way you can hide in the facade. The act of acting out gives you an out. Suddenly your husband can't twist your pain and say that you're crazy, because you have a tangible reason to be in pain.

A few months ago when my husband was working crazy weeks and didn't have time to act out- but was super stressed and therefore in addict behavior constantly, I dealt with the pain and lived in the facade until I took a look at my life one day and was like WHOA. Get away from there, you are in PAIN. So I made plans to leave.

And then J caught wind of that and quit his job and asked me to stay and give him a month... He did recovery work like crazy. But suddenly he had a lot of time on his hands.... and you add the shame of not having a job on top of it, and WHAM. Once-a-week I get a new disclosure. I have gotten relief from the chronic pain, and it felt good until I remembered the sharp pain of before.

I don't know if I want to keep switching back and forth between the two. I just want to live a pain-free life! Is that too much to ask? 

I do think it is fair for me to expect to not be hurt from the one person that I should be able to lean on and with whom I share my deepest thoughts and insights.

That being said, I drew a lot of comfort from this little snippet of a talk from president hinkley- if you need a smile, take a listen:

HERE

I love that man, he has the ability to help you understand deep things from the littlest situations. I'm thankful for the lord and his tender mercies he sends me daily. This is one of the ones from today.