The different kinds of pain

So I caught J acting out today. It's been building, and it's not like I didn't see it coming- he had confessed to me yesterday and the day before that he had done some "addict stuff"- and because I have asked that he doesn't share details, I don't know how to categorize that. He said it was "addict stuff"- And this time was an "act out." Anyway. Because I have seen this one creep up on me, I have been given a gift of clarity, and I feel like I was able to describe to J how different behaviors feel to me.

There are two different kinds of emotional pain for me- a chronic kind of throbbing pain that has a life of it's own, and a sharp stabbing kind of pain. The chronic throbbing pain I attribute to addict behavior... I can live healthy and it gets a bit better, I can numb the pain through netflix or whatnot for a bit, but the pain comes back at unexpected times. Living with my husband when he is in addict mode is like this constant throbbing pain that to the outside world looks like it should be fine- I don't look like I am in pain. Chronic pain in the body rarely manifests itself on the outside. That's how it is living with an addict- everything from the outside looking in looks dandy... and sometimes it is! And then addict mode hits, and I feel like limping all over the place.

The second kind of pain is the sharp pain that I feel when I find out that he has acted out. Like a gun wound in my arm. Catching him acting out is like standing at close range. Having him lie about it is like him moving my arm around trying to show me that I didn't REALLY get shot in the first place. The fact that he has an addiction is the outside proof, it's what people on the outside could see- if I let them. It is what validates that I have pain in the first place- he acts out, and I have the right to be in pain according to everyone else.

Both equally suck- but both also in a twisted way have their perks- addict behavior - that numbing chronic pain- can be ignored when around "normal" people. No one feels uncomfortable, because on the outside you look like your life is in order, and in a way you can hide in the facade. The act of acting out gives you an out. Suddenly your husband can't twist your pain and say that you're crazy, because you have a tangible reason to be in pain.

A few months ago when my husband was working crazy weeks and didn't have time to act out- but was super stressed and therefore in addict behavior constantly, I dealt with the pain and lived in the facade until I took a look at my life one day and was like WHOA. Get away from there, you are in PAIN. So I made plans to leave.

And then J caught wind of that and quit his job and asked me to stay and give him a month... He did recovery work like crazy. But suddenly he had a lot of time on his hands.... and you add the shame of not having a job on top of it, and WHAM. Once-a-week I get a new disclosure. I have gotten relief from the chronic pain, and it felt good until I remembered the sharp pain of before.

I don't know if I want to keep switching back and forth between the two. I just want to live a pain-free life! Is that too much to ask? 

I do think it is fair for me to expect to not be hurt from the one person that I should be able to lean on and with whom I share my deepest thoughts and insights.

That being said, I drew a lot of comfort from this little snippet of a talk from president hinkley- if you need a smile, take a listen:

HERE

I love that man, he has the ability to help you understand deep things from the littlest situations. I'm thankful for the lord and his tender mercies he sends me daily. This is one of the ones from today.