Let's chat

I am feeling so isolated right now- so can we chat dear internet friends? Can I vent to you like I would love to just vent to a real human being right now in person?...

I used to have really good friends- the kind where you plan on being friends and roommates in rest-homes when you're old and grumpy and grey. I still love them all to pieces, but none of them know about this- And I really don't even talk to them anymore. I met J and I became an awful AWFUL friend, blowing of lunches and bridal showers and baby showers, and eventually they just stopped inviting me. I don't know if it is all J, because I never really learned how to cope healthily with pain until therapy, so I blew off people I felt like I was losing... but it got REALLY bad after meeting him. I remember going to one wedding where all my friends were, and they were all so happy to see us and to meet J, but the whole time we were there (about 5 minutes) I was so worried about making J happy and that he just wanted to leave as soon as possible, that I was distracted and probably SOOOO awkward. But man. I miss them.

I keep telling myself that I'm living healthy. That I'm being mindful. That I don't really need help because I have all the tools that I need- I KNOW what to do. But it's a different thing actually living them, isn't it?

Let me tell you about my situation. I manage a storage unit facility that is surrounded by fields and factories. It is terrible isolating. I moved here 8 months ago- used to having my best friend living next door to me. When I started feeling isolated, It wasn't very hard to get out of that because she was right there. I didn't realize just how much I relied on her. We went on walks together. We were so close. But I moved here with this false idea that because I was moving near family, I could stay out of isolation. But there was something about living within a set of wrought ironed gates that made me feel caged at first- and it really kind of squashed my spirit- especially with my husband working as much as he was.

I DO do my recovery work still- the BIG work. You know, I reach out when I am really needing a pick me up- but as far as the day-to-day things that you think don't make such a difference, I have been lying to myself saying that I have been doing it when it is painfully missing from my life.

I work a one week on, one week off schedule- and honestly it is really hard on my little one and me. My school work is suffering. I feel like my little guy and I just start getting attached and then it's time for me to get back to work, and he detaches. It really isn't healthy for our relationship when we were so used to being the two musketeers (three when dad was in a healthy place)... I hate what it has done to our relationship.

So there. I laid it out. Vulnerability hangover much?