My Story

Before you can know my story, you have to at least know part of my husband's story:
My husband was first exposed to porn when he was 11-12 years old (an age I later found out is really common for boys to first be exposed). His parent's never really talked about sex or pornography, and probably didn't even know that it was a huge problem. He was able to get the addiction under control enough to go on a mission. When he came back, he slipped into old habits, and the addiction took hold again. He felt helpless, and despite a few attempts to see counselors and talk to bishops, he felt like he was losing the fight. He found himself asking "Why am I even trying?"

My story:
I met my husband just after that point- probably one of the lowest points in his life. He had just had his temple recommend taken away, and that hit him really hard. Before he met me, he had decided that he wanted to be a counselor at a religious camp for youth in our church, but he needed permission from his bishop to do so. He started to work really hard, and right after he had met me, he was granted permission to do so.

My husband told me about the addiction about 3 months into dating, but I had already known something about it. He had previously left his journal with me on accident over general conference weekend. I was a snoop, and looked through it to see if he had written anything about me in it, but what I found instead was a list of things that did not make him happy- and pornography was one of them. Seeing that made me pretty shaky, but I think Heavenly Father wanted me to see it, because after I saw that list, I got down on my knees and prayed to know if I should continue to date this boy. I was shocked, to say the least, to have an immediate and resounding YES hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew right then, even though I don't think I admitted it until later, that I was going to marry this boy. After that experience, I waited patiently to see if and when he was going to tell me about it- and I had made the decision to ask him after 2 weeks if he hadn't said anything to me. It was only one week after reading in his journal that he told me about his addiction to pornography.

Obviously, from reading that list in his journal, I had no idea how deep the addiction went, and how long it had been a challenge for him. I knew, however, that I needed to be there for this boy. I was also a little bit naive, because I had no idea how much of a hold this addiction can hold over an individual. We broke up once over it, but it only lasted a day. It just didn't feel right to break things off just because it would be easier. I knew that we were supposed to tackle this thing together, and I was determined to do so.

It was about this time of my life where I completely cut myself off from the rest of the world- a mistake that I regret deeply. I lost a lot of friends because of missed phone-calls, bridal showers, get togethers and the like, and all because I was consumed in helping my (then) boyfriend overcome this addiction- I was scared to leave him alone, and was with him as much as possible. The reason why I regret this is because I needed to talk to someone about this badly. I had this pressure building and building on my chest, but I had no-one to talk to. I didn't want my family to think badly of him, and I didn't want my friends to either. I wanted them to see him for the amazing man that I knew and loved, not the guy who's addicted to porn.

Well, we had talked about marraige, but he never really spoke much about it unless I brought it up. His commitment issues were driving me crazy- so one day I just blurted out to him "Are you going to marry me or not??" He laughed because it caught him off guard, and skirted the issue again. Finally it all came down to a conversation in the car. I had thought long and hard about it, and had determined that it was worth the risk of losing him to finally make him see how serious I was. We were in the car because he couldn't escape- haha! I told him that because our kissing had escalated to a certain point and because it's so hard to go back once you have crossed a certain threshold, that I thought the smart thing to do was to get married. I told him I was willing to wait to do the temple thing, even though the temple meant a lot to me, and that We should get married the next month. I told him that I had a ring picked out at the jewelry store, and that they had it in a folder, all he needed to do was pay. I told him that he could borrow my car to go and get it. I told him that we had to hurry, so that I could get planning. He was completely caught off guard, but couldn't argue with my logic. He got the ring, but when he gave it to me he said it was the temple or nothing. 

When my husband asked for my dad's blessing, he was able to disclose about the addiction to him. Because my Dad now knew about the addiction, I felt relieved, because I could finally ask for some advice from somebody. When I mentioned my concerns and fears to my dad, he told me that once I was married, as long as I wasn't stingy, all of this would most likely go away. As relieved as I was to hear that, half of me wondered how true it was.

We waited 6 months to get married, as we were working towards a temple marriage. We worked harder than I have ever worked on myself before. We were diligent about prayer and scripture study. We put blocks on the internet, got rid of our fancy phones, and my husband improved significantly- enough for us to be married in the temple. The wedding was the best moment of my life. I loved looking into my husband's eyes, knowing that if we continued to work as hard as we had been working for those 6 months, that we would be together forever with our future children.

After the wedding, we started to slip on our prayers, church attendance and scripture study, and I stopped keeping tabs on how my husband was doing. I was sure that married life had cured him. We became way more relaxed about our check-ins and even got some fancy new smart phones. After about 3 months of being married, I stumbled onto my husband's search history feed on his phone, and found some pornographic websites that he had visited. I can not even tell you how my stomach dropped.

This was the darkest time in my life. I felt trapped, alone, and scared. I didn't know who to turn to. We fought almost every night, and I would stomp out the door, saying that I was going to leave him, only to return 5 minutes later, because I was afraid that he was looking at porn again.

We finally sort of got onto the same page, and decided to move away to start out with a clean slate, and to begin again. After we had moved, we found out that I was pregnant with our first child. I was terrified. It would have been so easy for me to leave before when it was just the two of us, but with a child involved, there was no way out without hurting an innocent baby. It was shortly finding this out that my husband sought help from our new Bishop.

Our new Bishop took my husband under his wing, and really helped him- he pointed us in the direction of the 12-step Pornography group that met once a week. When my husband went for the first time, he realized that there was a women's group too, and after going a few times, he invited me to go with him. I was so scared to go. What if I knew somebody? What if they judged me because I married my husband even though I knew about the addiction- what if they said it was my own fault and kicked me out. But most of all, I was scared of talking bad about my husband to other people- and I didn't want to do it.

It meant so much to my husband that I went, that I decided to bite the bullet and go. It would only be an hour, and at least I would know that it wouldn't be forever if I hated it.

The moment I stepped into that room, I felt the spirit so strongly that this is where I was meant to be. I was meant to be there. I was amazed to find out that we weren't there to talk bad about our husband's at all! We were there to find healing through the Lord Jesus Christ, to learn to forgive our husbands, and also to have some non-judgmental friends who had gone through the exact same excruciating struggle that I was going through.

After sharing my story with those sweet sweet ladies, I felt like I had a load the size of a house lifted off of my shoulders. I cried and cried and cried, knowing that I would be okay, and knowing that I was no longer alone in my suffering.

The twelve steps did work some pretty incredible changes for our family over the next year, and we had our baby. We started being pretty good about prayers, scripture study, church attendance, and family home evenings. Don't get me wrong, we still had our struggles, and there were still some very hard times, but we were making slow progress forward.

It was after that first year that our Bishop looked at the progress, and noticed that some of the struggles were getting a little more frequent again that he recommended that my husband and I go to a therapist. He felt that the addiction went much deeper than he had originally thought, and I am so grateful that he did.

We have been seeing this amazing Therapist ever since (it's been about 6 months now), and the changes that I have seen in my husband are amazing. But most of all, the changes that I can see in my life have been liberating. I have learned to find happiness for myself, and not to be co-dependent on my husband's addiction. My happiness does not have to be dependent on if he had a good day or not. Heavenly Father wouldn't want it that way. I have learned not to be obsessive about his addiction, and only help him when he asks for help, like to put locks on the internet for example. I am learning to be the best self I can be, and as my husband is working towards the same goal, we are working in the same direction and working together.

Now, I know that some of you who are reading this have husbands or significant others who are not in the mindset to change. Do not be the reason why the addiction can still exist! Seek to make yourself happy, and as you grow closer to Jesus Christ, the light in your life can shine into his. Don't let yourself get dragged into the shame cycle. Give your life up to Christ by taking control of yourself, and let go of the idea that you can control the addiction, because you can't.

My story isn't over, because I have reached a new chapter. I want to reach and out and be friends with women just like you and me. I want to be able to give comfort and a knowledge that it's all going to be okay. I want both of us to know that you can be happy again! We can find our way back into the waiting and welcoming arms of Jesus Christ.

Thank you for taking time to read my story, and please feel free to email me yours, I would love to hear from you and share in your journey. valiant.women.united@gmail.com