Vulnerable post that I've been working on for forever.

I'm going into it again, because I can't stop thinking about it, the women on the other side of the equation. 

I read this article and my heart just explode with about a million different emotions.

First, I was incredibly grateful and relieved that there was someone in this world who is fighting for these children

Second, I was so stricken by two of the things that were said:  "Human rights organizations agree there are at least 21 million victims of human trafficking in the world today, including 2 million children.

It is absolutely appalling to me that there are 2 million children in the world who are forced through this filth. But the part that struck me the hardest was the math that I did in my head: 21 million victims minus 2 million child victims means that 19 million of the other victims are my heavenly sisters and brothers.

My heart just ached with that figure.

And then I read this line: 

“The problem of child sex slavery is 100 percent the societal consequence of our pornographic world,” Ballard explains. “Pornography is a drug. Adult pornography is marijuana, and child pornography is the cocaine. When people move on to child pornography, eventually they want the real thing..."

My goodness, I feel like my life has led up to me reading that article- some dam inside of me broke. Can I explain?

It all began last week. 

Monday of last week I watched this video on Addo about a woman going public through her blog. (I think you have to be signed in to Addo to see the video, and if you don't have a log-in, you should get one!) Watching that video was just so eye-opening to me. 

Then I happened across this article by fight the new drug with russell brand talking about what viewing pornography be it soft or hardcore porn is doing to brains. And then hearing him be real about it- that it feels wrong, and that its extremely hard for him to stop- just matter-of-fact like that- no shame in it.

and that led me to that article which broke this incredible dam inside of me, something that I want so bad. Something that I have been dreaming of ever since I can remember. The reason why I am a women's studies minor. But something that I have felt like I could never do because I truly felt like I was a bad person. I felt like the rest of my life I would be playing catch up to the really good people, and despite the fact that I have a huge testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I felt like I was damaged goods.

So here it goes: My "biggest and worst secret" I haven't told anyone ever besides maybe 5 people- and even that is a recent thing. The thing that I don't want to be a secret any more because it's something that I am actually extremely proud that I overcame- and still am overcoming every day:

Guys. I was addicted to romance novels and masterbation from the ages of 12-21. TEN YEARS. I have been sober for 3 1/2 years, with a six month period right before that. The one-time break that I had when in between is when I realized that I had been white-knuckling it in hopes that marriage would fix my cravings, and it didn't. And that was it- I have been clean ever since. IT WAS HARD. I forced myself to find new hobbies, to focus on other things. I did it cold turkey it- which I know is not common- but combined with my work as a WoPA, I feel I was able to heal emotionally to the point where I didn't feel as damaged.

I am shaking as I write this. Who does this? Who writes their deepest darkest secrets and puts them on the internet for everyone to read? Oh! I do. haha. For some reason, it has been okay for me to put my hurt about my husband's addiction online, but not to be hurt about this.

Writing this when I know my only audience is women who have been hurt by a partner's addiction- or people whom I respect and trust enough to have access to this blog is hard. I am scared of judgement. I am scared that people will think less of me, and I am scared that I will lose this little support group that I feel I have on here. 

But I am putting this up here because it is a part of my story! It is a part of my healing. It is a part of who I have become. I am putting this up here despite of the fear- perhaps as a way to abolish the fear all together- to prove to myself what I tell my husband frequently: You are not the addiction- you are you, and overcoming this will make you a stronger you.

So. Here I am declaring that I will not be afraid of my past anymore. I am not damaged goods. I will not keep it a secret that I will take to the grave like I thought for those 10 years that I would. I will not be another person who contributes even one millimeter towards that awful world of trafficking- in fact, I want to help fight against it.

I always was one of those girls who wrote in her diary thinking "One day when I have changed the world, someone is going to read this entry in my diary and say "Look, that was when she was just a normal little girl and now look what she has become." I have always wanted to change the world. I watched girl rising (here is a link to a trailer), and get all fired up thinking that someday I will do something to help girls like these amazing, brave, and beautiful women.

But that feeling always went away when I thought about the things that I had done for those ten years; along with the fact that I feel that those choices had me thinking that marrying an addict would save the both of us. I thougt of where my choices have gotten me, and I would think that I had lost my chance to do that. To change the world for the better.

I am sometimes embarrassed because I change my career plans so much- but I am realizing that it is because I am always trying to find something that will make me feel as fulfilled as my original goal to help these women I am so drawn to: to start or run some sort of organization to help these girls that my heart sings out to all over the world. So I say I will become a doctor or a dentist or a lawyer- all for the intent of helping people- hoping that maybe I can do doctors without boarders, or some other cool thing that would at least be similar to helping these women that I am so drawn to on the other side of the world- but nothing has hit the mark for me yet.

I still don't know what I am going to do- but I want to be true to myself and true to who I have always wanted to be. And I am going to start by owning the struggles that I have- my own personal ones- and stop deflecting and pushing onto my husband. I am ready to stop worrying so much about him- he is doing a good enough job at doing that himself- And I am going to focus on me and explore what I am going to do about what I want out of my future. Is this how changing the world starts? I don't know- but just writing this post is changing my world, and right now, that's all that matters.