Post-Vomit

I like to think of the posts like my last post as vomit sessions, where I just get out everything and anything that I am thinking/feeling. It is so good for me! I sometimes feel bad for anyone who is reading it because I don't know if my thoughts are connected in any way. 

Being honest with myself in that last post enabled me to be honest with J. I told him how I was feeling and not feeling and he was really hurt and-at first- angry. As usual, he didn't see it coming- and I think it surprised him just as much as I was surprised when I realized just how far my trauma response to pain had taken me.

It was a very painful conversation. He told me that I needed to do what I needed to do. I told him I felt like him saying that was looking for a way out. I explained to him what a day in the life of flashbacks and triggers are like for me. We cried. I told him everything that I had thought: that all I wanted was for him to fight for me. At first he shut down and needed time to process it. I gave it to him. He came back and told me that he didn't think that this is the beginning of the end- that this is like half-time. We just need some good pep-talks and strategies so we can get back in the game- back on the same team and then get back on the court and back in the game. 

Sports analogies. I guess they really speak to me- maybe I've seen "Remember the Titans," but I saw something in his eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time- desire to make this work. And instead of ignoring the conversation the next day, HE brought it up- and HE asked me on a date- and found a babysitter-and made it amazing. We talked about our individual recoveries and I heard some of the things that he had been doing and not telling me. We worked on our schedule so we can actually do our work- dailies, self-care and bottom-lines every day. We talked about therapy and when we can fit it in. 

Crazy.

Granted, I know that it is mostly just talk right now- I am going to remain skeptical until I see some action, but this is the most progress J and I have made collectively as a team in more than 4 months! Progress!

I've been alive long enough to know that there will be ups and downs in the game of life- there are in every game. There are fumbles and interceptions and sometimes you sprain your ankle and are out of the game for a little bit. But this halftime pep-talk and game planning gives me hope and I am feeling a new energy about recovery.

Put me in Coach!