The most awkward person alive.

Dear world:

I am the most awkward person alive right now. Seriously,  the most awkward person ever. I don't like it. I don't know how to change it. I feel like the very social person that I used to be existed in another life. As egotistical as it sounds, I prided myself on my witty comments I could make on the turn of a dime. I could turn a conversation any which way I wanted. While conversation topics were pretty superficial, I enjoyed talking to people. A lot. And I miss that. I miss being able to effortlessly begin and end a conversation, and I miss knowing that I am entertaining whomever I am talking to rather than putting them to sleep. I can't seem to have conversations without having seriously the MOST AWKWARD silences these days. And it's like Old Ashley is looking out at the awkwardness and cringing. I recognize it, but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like a statue. It's weird because in the moment, I am searching for something to say- any old weather comment, SOMETHING. But nothing comes to mind. Gone is the quick thinking brain of before, and I don't know where it went. Part of me wants to blame it on the addiction, but I don't know if anybody else out there has had anything like this happen to them. 

My husband thinks that it is just that we aren't serving people enough, that we need to go talk to more people and it will go away. I think he may be partly right, but I don't think that's all of it. The hard part is that I don't want to talk about the addiction anymore. I want to move on with my life. Geez, I want to feel safe in my own home and invite people over and laugh over an apple cider. Doesn't that sound fantastic? I want to play a board game without getting a look of sympathy or a "how are you really doing?" before it starts. I want to have inside jokes again. I crave normality. When I hear the neighbors around me laughing and joking around, I wonder if I'll ever get that back again? We really are trying, we are doing our best to get out of the house and talk to people. We are just getting more awkward, though. We had dinner next door to our apartment with two other couples the other week, and the whole time, it was polite and interesting conversation with some occasional awkward pauses. We had to leave early to get our son to bed and after we left, I started hearing laughing and joking coming from over there, and when that happens, it's hard to feel like you're not the ones holding the party back.

While it is truly rewarding, and I definitely wouldn't consider switching a social life for the beautiful and excruciating work that we are doing, going through recovery is seriously the worst thing that I could have done to my social life. Our friends that know don't really associate with us anymore (not that we make any more of an effort to socialize back) and friends that don't know about the addiction seem to be keeping their distance. I think that I am getting so good at communicating on a deeper level to group members, that my brain isn't wired to automatically do the whole small-talk thing automatically. I literally have to sit there and think for about 2 minutes to come up with some witty remark that I can insert to the conversation- and by that time the conversation has moved on. I am hoping this is just a phase. PLEASE please pray that this just be a phase.... Amen. What do you think? Is this just a part of recovery work? I sure hope I'm not crazy. :) 

Thanks for hearing me out, internet friends, good to know you are there.

Ashley Out.

Thanksgiving Triggers

I decorated my christmas tree today- we went up into the mountains and cut down our own this year, it was... interesting. We went down to my parent's home, and I enjoyed the time that I had with my husband and son, but the rest of my family was out of sorts. My dad lost his job three months ago, and things are starting to get tight, I think in order to save money, my sweet mom may have started cutting her depression pills in half, and on top of it, my little sister and her two children are living with them, my little brother is dealing with his own pornography addiction and working towards a mission that he already has a call for... needless to say, tension is high.

While there I discovered another trigger, and I don't know how I can fix it- maybe talking it out on here I will be able to figure it out, or get some advice from other people who have gone through something similar? 

While we were at my parent's house, I was triggered multiple times, and I took it out on my hubby, thinking that it was just that he wasn't talking to me about recovery enough... (which was sort of valid, he didn't talk about it as much, but it is pretty hard to find time to reassure me when we are surrounded by family.) and I did have an experience with him there, I caught him watching T.V. alone while I was putting our son down for a nap, and a little bit after a scandy lady came on, and I was pretty triggered by that... but I talked to group members, and I took care of that.

But what the real issue that is bothering me is that I am triggered when I see my brother. I am the one who caught him when his porn addiction came to light. Since then, he has gone to therapy. But that is it, and there is no more support besides his bishop and my parents. Over Thanksgiving Break, he was in total addict behavior- rude, selfish, lazy, and it was like watching my husband two years ago (his low) all over again. My brother would sit on the couch and numb himself all day- saying he was watching mormon comedy, but he had the screen hidden so that no one could really see what he was doing- Just like my husband did. He was sitting in the exact place on the couch where my husband had slipped time and time again. If he wasn't on his phone, he was numbing himself watching T.V. He was defensive, annoyed and angry if anyone interrupted him. He avoided family activities so he could stay home alone- like my husband did. My grandma mentioned how proud she was of his mission call, and he couldn't look at her- much like how my husband would look if I mentioned how grateful I was that I could ask him to give me a blessing at anytime. I was triggered, and I was annoyed with my husband the whole time I was there.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized exactly what I was triggered by, but now I don't know how to handle taking care of it. With my husband, I can tell him what behavior is triggering me, but I don't feel like I have the right to say that to my brother. My parent's are still not very educated about it, and very much in denial- I am afraid if I were to say something that our whole family dynamic would be thrown off. The only thing I can think of doing to keep myself safe is (1) lots of self-care while I am visiting there, which is virtually impossible or (2) avoid going home- which makes me sad to think about having to do.

Any ideas? Advice is welcome.