Dear world:
I am the most awkward person alive right now. Seriously, the most awkward person ever. I don't like it. I don't know how to change it. I feel like the very social person that I used to be existed in another life. As egotistical as it sounds, I prided myself on my witty comments I could make on the turn of a dime. I could turn a conversation any which way I wanted. While conversation topics were pretty superficial, I enjoyed talking to people. A lot. And I miss that. I miss being able to effortlessly begin and end a conversation, and I miss knowing that I am entertaining whomever I am talking to rather than putting them to sleep. I can't seem to have conversations without having seriously the MOST AWKWARD silences these days. And it's like Old Ashley is looking out at the awkwardness and cringing. I recognize it, but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like a statue. It's weird because in the moment, I am searching for something to say- any old weather comment, SOMETHING. But nothing comes to mind. Gone is the quick thinking brain of before, and I don't know where it went. Part of me wants to blame it on the addiction, but I don't know if anybody else out there has had anything like this happen to them.
My husband thinks that it is just that we aren't serving people enough, that we need to go talk to more people and it will go away. I think he may be partly right, but I don't think that's all of it. The hard part is that I don't want to talk about the addiction anymore. I want to move on with my life. Geez, I want to feel safe in my own home and invite people over and laugh over an apple cider. Doesn't that sound fantastic? I want to play a board game without getting a look of sympathy or a "how are you really doing?" before it starts. I want to have inside jokes again. I crave normality. When I hear the neighbors around me laughing and joking around, I wonder if I'll ever get that back again? We really are trying, we are doing our best to get out of the house and talk to people. We are just getting more awkward, though. We had dinner next door to our apartment with two other couples the other week, and the whole time, it was polite and interesting conversation with some occasional awkward pauses. We had to leave early to get our son to bed and after we left, I started hearing laughing and joking coming from over there, and when that happens, it's hard to feel like you're not the ones holding the party back.
While it is truly rewarding, and I definitely wouldn't consider switching a social life for the beautiful and excruciating work that we are doing, going through recovery is seriously the worst thing that I could have done to my social life. Our friends that know don't really associate with us anymore (not that we make any more of an effort to socialize back) and friends that don't know about the addiction seem to be keeping their distance. I think that I am getting so good at communicating on a deeper level to group members, that my brain isn't wired to automatically do the whole small-talk thing automatically. I literally have to sit there and think for about 2 minutes to come up with some witty remark that I can insert to the conversation- and by that time the conversation has moved on. I am hoping this is just a phase. PLEASE please pray that this just be a phase.... Amen. What do you think? Is this just a part of recovery work? I sure hope I'm not crazy. :)
Thanks for hearing me out, internet friends, good to know you are there.
Ashley Out.
I know this post was from a while back but I would love to know if you found something to help you with this problem you faced, I got put in a situation like yours with your husband but significantly smaller and less extreme, but the pain is still there and still very real and now it's been years since that relationship and the scars are still there and pain comes back and puts me in a mind set where I can't be social which is opposite of my personality honestly I am an incredibly extroverted person and somedays I can't stand to talk to my own family
ReplyDeleteHey Daughter!
DeleteYES! I have figured it out, and I am so excited to know it! I hadn't even realized it until you asked the question, and I had to stop and really ask myself what it was.... But first- You are so incredibly brave for asking, and while situations are different, I believe that the pain that we feel is so similar, and differences are miniscule. That's the great thing about emotions... emotions we can relate to. I can relate to the scars that can have a huge impact on our behaviors, and can in some ways even change our personalities. I totally understand where you are coming from.
Back to the change: When we have trauma happen to us, what therapists have found that helps heal the pain is by telling our story as many times as we need to tell it. While it sucks sharing it at first, I believe that trauma is something inside us that needs to be shared. This is why I became so incredibly awkward- my story was just itching to get out.... but I didn't want to talk about what was hurting so bad. It's this internal battle that was muddling up my thoughts! No wonder I couldn't think straight! Therapy helped me a lot because I was able to tell my story to people I trusted. Seriously, I can't emphasize how much that helped me. BUT the most important thing that I learned was who I could be 100% vulnerable to in the exact moment that I was feeling vulnerable. I found places to feel safe, so I didn't feel this unnatural desire to just spill my guts, and yet desperate to keep it all inside of me. Its incredible how secure you can feel when you know who you can talk to about these things no matter what, and no matter when, helps you feel comfortable talking to basically everyone else. Something else that really helped was just being real with people around me about where I am at- I don't disclose any deep personal issues with anyone unless they have shown me that they deserve that information, and will safeguard it for me. Everyone else still gets the real me, not the masked me, and with that comes a more comfortable me- someone who is learning to be okay in her own skin- but also a me that is secure in who I talk to what about.
A quote that I think about often, and that I think helped carve "start" into the path ahead of me as far as starting to get my story out is this: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” - Brene Brown
Good luck! Let me know how it goes!