balm

I know. I know that it is all about my recovery- and that my recovery is not dependent on his. But it sure makes it easier on me when he is doing his. It makes it easier to trust. It makes it easier to think of a future with him. And he is STARTING to do his recovery again: SA meetings, Addo recovery. It's been touch-and-go good for him. I have had an interesting reaction to it all- relief, and happiness and then frustration that it isn't going as fast as I would like, that it has been four years and he is still working on lasting sobriety. It's so easy to make this about him.

I have to daily remind myself to keep on doing my own recovery:

Self-care

Boundaries

Bottomlines

Because I keep having some of the words our therapist, Tyler Patrick (who is an amazing therapist in the Logan, UT area if you are looking) told us early on:

A lot of spouses of porn addicts think that they will be healed once their partner recovers from the addiction, that they will start feeling better- and they do. Having a partner in recovery makes you feel a little better. But you find yourself being frustrated. You still don't trust. You still are bitter, and have a build up of resentment. And you still can't get rid of some of the flashbacks that can be triggered by the most random things.

Being a spouse of a porn-addict is something that we ourselves need to recover from too.

My husband likes to say "pain is to the body like shame is to the soul."

Sometimes I feel ashamed of my situation- like if I would have been smarter, or more aware or more aligned in my own life before I met J that I would be in a much more elegant life trial right now... whatever an elegant life trial is.

But. 

I know that is not necessarily all true, and even if it was, it does nothing to help me right now. Saying it outloud makes me face it. Letting it go is balm to my hurt soul. I let it go by making my life and situation stronger.

 Self care. 

Boundaries.

 Bottomlines.

Sometimes a little self-reminder is the best thing you can do.