Clarity when I want to see it.

Wow- writing my last post was just nerve-racking but so healing for me. It's so weird to feel so vulnerable and scared at the same time- My old therapist calls it vulnerability hangover. I totally had it. I was too scared to look at the comments so I just didn't! haha! But thank you for your kind words. Because I feel like my addiction is something that I have overcome, and that it's not the main cause of my trauma right now, it isn't going to be the main theme of my blog. I just wanted to have my whole story out there and the whole picture. It was hard to feel like I was being completely open and honest on here when I felt like I was hiding something. So thank you again for your words of support and love, tears were shed over here.

Part of what forced me to get back on the blog is that I have to admit something: I have been just plain awful at my bottom-lines and boundaries. AWFUL.

I was surprised to get a phone call from one of my old group friends that I hadn't heard from in a while who's husband was 8 months sober... and really missed talking about bottom-lines and boundaries and sticking to them in the way that we used to talk about it in group. Her hubby had acted out and she stuck to her bottom-line of kicking him out of the house.  She had moved out of state and away from family, and it was just so inspiring to see her automatically stick to her bottom-lines after 8 months of not having to.

And then here I am with a husband who acts out about once a week now, moved to a place that is closer to my family, and all of my bottom-lines are gone to pot. Seriously, they have slowly been inching back from "sleep on the couch" to "just don't touch me when we are in bed." Slowly but surely. 

And then yesterday happened: I got a disclosure that he had looked at porn twice while in the same room as our son. Granted it was while my little guy was sleeping- but I have a STRICT boundary and associated bottom-line with that. My Boundary: I do not ever want to have my son exposed to porn by his father. My bottom-line is this: Three strikes and your out. When I introduced that bottom-line (before I even knew what a bottom-line was) to my husband it was the first time I had found out that during one of the newborn night-shifts that he had looked at porn with the newborn in his arms. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was not okay with me- and that that was where I was drawing a line. He agreed with me, and I created the 3-strike rule. In my mind even THAT was generous. I didn't want there to be a second or a third time. EVER. As much as it hurts to get a "normal" disclosure, this kind of disclosure just rips up my insides. 

So yesterday morning, I got that disclosure which was strike three. I took a moment and took a shower and sobbed and sobbed. As a wife it hurt, but as a mother I feel like I have a job to do- to protect my child from this addiction. It is so heartbreaking when you bring a child into the mix. I knew what I needed to do: I needed to take some time for myself and reset my bottom-lines and boundaries. I also needed a bit of separation from my hubby to see if distance and space is what I needed. In my gut I knew what I needed to do- I needed to ask him to leave- and after some contemplation, 5 days seemed to be about what I needed from him. I prayed for peace and clarity, and thank heavens I did because I didn't expect what came next. 

So I went back in after my shower and I told him what I needed him to do. And he sat in shame and then he verbally attacked me. He hit every single part of me that he knew would hurt me- but I was able to see the reason why he was doing it.  I was blind-sited and hurt- but unwavering. He tried manipulating me- but I was able to see through it and held my ground.

It started to get worse and worse so I left with my son to drop him off at my parent's house, and I was able to hold it together until I saw my sister and I just broke down. I had a good cry- and luckily my sister was super supportive and told me that she would keep it on the DL- and started towards home again to get ready for a dentist appointment I had with my sister in law, but saw that the car was still at the house- he still hadn't left! I wasn't ready to see him again, so I went and used my tanning punch pass. That always relaxes me, and I was able to get my wits about me again.

As I drove back, I got a few texts from him apologizing for the words he had said. I was detached. Honestly I didn't care whether he apologized or not, I knew that he had been in addict mode that whole time and that he always regrets what he says when he is in addict mode. He does anything he can do to get what he wants.

The point is, that this is a hot topic of conversation- we really can't talk about it for more than maybe ten minutes before it gets infused with drama. He doesn't understand why my need for this time overrides him doing his own recovery work. I don't understand why- if he really wants this marriage to work- he won't give me the time and space that I need so that I can get myself into a healthy place and then work my boundaries and bottom-lines in a healthy way. THAT will help our marriage more than anything else could. I don't understand why he all of a sudden stopped supporting my bottom-lines. He can work recovery outside of the house- it is possible- it is plausible. I know that when setting a bottom-line, you have to be willing to do the thing that you are asking him to do if he says no. So this time when he said no, I started looking for places to stay, and he said fine he would leave. But then he didn't and it was late at night and he slept on the couch. For the last two nights.

So here is what I am clinging to right now:

1. We have an intensive therapy session tomorrow night and all day on saturday. I really hope that we can both get some clarity

2. The peace and relief that I felt when I just knew that I needed him to live somewhere else

3. The fact that while he is still in the house almost all day everyday that he is trying to give me a lot of space. At least there is that.

Here is what we are doing while we are in survival mode until therapy on friday night: We are doing an "in-house separation" He sleeps on the couch and we avoid each other. It works for now- sort of. He keeps saying that he is going to do one thing, but then he changes his mind and tries to cling on and hold on to us even tighter like he is going to lose us. 

I don't know. It's weird. I hate it. But I have clarity when I want to see it, and I have peace that I will come to the right conclusion as hard as it may be. Right now I am trying to still do the things that I was going to do when I asked him to leave the house for the 5 days.