Reflections

I went to my sister's Bachelorette party tonight.

I mean, need I say more? Every WOPA reading this can probably relate and read into that one sentence and just sort of know what is coming next.

I actually had a pretty good time. The food was great, the conversations were pretty fun. The first part was mostly just like a bridal shower. It wasn't until the second half that any of the "naughty" stuff came out when she opened up presents... I felt like I was watching the whole thing on TV. I would nod knowingly to the other married women and laugh at how the unmarried women just speculated and giggled. 

I feel like I have come a long way. In the past, I know that my instant feeling would be to instantly push the addiction onto other people. You know, kind of a "just you wait until you've been married for 10 years and your husband tells you he has a porn problem." But at this point, I have met so many hurt women by this illness that I sincerely wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.

Mostly I left feeling okay- good even. But as I drove home and reflected, I got a strong feeling in my gut that I just couldn't identify.

But then I saw my husband when I got home and I knew what it was that was weighing on me. 

I am sad. I am grieving the loss of something that I don't think I ever really had: A healthy sex life. It's funny, but I couldn't joke about it. I couldn't do much more than nod my head one way or the other. It's funny because even my sister noticed and asked "is this weird for you?" and then to her friends "we don't talk about this stuff in our home." Which is true. We don't- but that wasn't the reason why I was quiet. 

I was quiet because I couldn't comfortably talk about any of my own sex life because mine is so riddled with confessions of acting out- followed by weeks of me not feeling safe enough to even touch in bed due to trauma flashbacks, let alone have sex with him. 

I didn't want to think about that while I was there. It was nice to just hear happy wives talking about their healthy sex lives and know that there is such thing in the world. Honestly, it was refreshing in a way.

Then I got home and it was just weighed so heavily on my chest- and I got pretty damn angry/sad. And realized that this is another thing that this addiction stole from me. My sister being the spiritual gem that she is also shared a quote from Elder Holland about how intimacy between a man and a woman literally bonds a man and a woman physically and spiritually. She talked about how that is the part of it that she really wants,.  It was so sweet, and I could tell that the spirit was there when she said it.

I mean, isn't that what we all want? Isn't that what we crave for when we are intimate? I know I do. I guess that is the part the hurts-- that is why this is so traumatic for the wives.  It takes a piece of our soul that we bonded to this man we are married to and makes us question it.

But for me, there is good news. Because I have an older brother who has my back. And he has yours too, if you'll let him.

 4 ¶Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

 5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed