Just when you think you have it...

Let me preface what I'm about to say with a little bit of background about what's been happening for the last few months. J has been doing so great with his recovery- getting a whopping 4 week of sobriety under his belt. As his wife, it has been amazing to see the progress and the confidence that even the 4 weeks of honest sobriety can do.

That being said. Summers are hard. Holidays are hard. And the Fourth of July this year was no exception. Things had been going SO WELL. Despite the heat and the subsequent summer clothing. The night before the 4th of July, we had all our stuff together to do a 15k at 5 the next morning. We had his parents ready and waiting to watch our boy, so that the two of us could go do this race that we have been training for. Following the race, the plan was to head down to my parent's to spend the fourth with them.

Morning comes, and I wake up thinking that it looks a little bit too light for it to be 5 in the morning, so I look at the clock.... sure enough. It was 6:45. We were both pretty upset about it. But for J, it hit him especially bad. He was extremely grumpy- and it was all I could do to stay out of drama. Not going to lie, I didn't stay out of drama as well as I would have thought. We got into a fight about something silly, and I saw it going south fast. He decided to go to sleep. (stupid addict naps- and that was the end of the 4 week streak) And after a while, I couldn't take it anymore, so I loaded up the car and was about to leave for my parents without him. I started to actually go. But I HATE bringing my marriage drama home! Hate it.
So I pulled back into the driveway, and I marched in and demanded that he come with. He pulled his power trip by dragging his feet, and not talking to me unless to comment on how inefficient I had been. (BLAME)

It slowly got better, and the trip ended up being pretty fun and enjoyable.

We got home two days ago. I went to church to play piano in primary, and J stayed home with our sick son. We went on a walk, enjoyed each other's company, and I thought we were back on a path towards another uphill climb, hoping this time would be easier because of the length of the last sober period.

OK. That brings me up to date, and now I can finally talk about the current situation, and I would like to hear if anyone can relate to this: He says he doesn't want to act out, but he is being so MEAN. Blaming, manipulation, extremism, passive aggressiveness, controlling... I could go on. And to top it all off: he says I am the one "holding him back."

Today he called me an F***ing B***. twice. TWICE. I have been verbally beaten up sporadically throughout the day, and I do not deserve it. Granted, I broke a bottom line and stepped into control phase for literally 2 minutes. But no matter my actions in that regard, I do. not. deserve. that. verbal. abuse. So I set a bottom line around it. I left the house immediately after the climax of it all, and took my son on a drive. On the drive, I tried to call my group members, but they didn't answer, so I just tried to be mindful about what I needed to do without going into drama.

I called him. Instantly he apologized for what he said (like he always does, and gets away with most of the time), and I told him that it really hurt me, and that it was not okay. I told him that I didn't want to see him, and that I would be home in an hour. I asked him if he would stay the night somewhere else. He said "what if I say no?", and I said "We will find somewhere else to stay." And by golly, I meant it. I am over getting verbally walked all over. I don't think it's healthy for my son to be around either.

I hope that my setting this boundary, along with helping me feel more safe in my home, will help him to see that this kind of behavior from him will no longer be tolerated by me. It has become a pattern for it to be okay for him to trample over me when he's upset, but it is not okay anymore. I'm nervous and worried about what the consequences will be at the end of the day, but I am wanting whats best for my family, and that means taking care of myself and my son while my husband works his addiction recovery.