Yo-yo

So today was christmas- and I get SO giddy about christmas time. Hubby, baby and I went over to my parent's house to spend the holiday! I would tease and joke and flirt with my husband in my excitement- and then I would look at him and remember that I haven't had a check-in in over a month, and we used to do it every night and that he rented a red-box by himself two days ago after watching the trailer with me and knowing that there was a "scene" in it.

There ended up not being a scene, so he didn't "act out," but it wasn't until I came straight out and asked him that he dug deep and realized that there were ulterior motives there that he realized it had been a close one.... but then I never heard anything about work that he had done about it after that realization.

But bringing it back to christmas, and me going back and forth between being fun and giddy and feeling unsafe... I didn't realize I was really doing it. It was just a complete turn off if he flirted or joked first- it was only okay if I called the shots.

It wasn't until J called me out on it- and on how it made him hurt that I was doing it that I realized it was even going on. He said he felt like he was a yo-yo, and that I was yanking the chain. Obviously, I know how that feels. So I apologized about the chain-jerking, but was able to explain why I couldn't stay in that happy mood more permanently.

He took a second to get out of victim mode, which I appreciated, and we had a really good talk. And here is what it comes down to:

1: J wants to go back to counseling, and misses it. (YAY- I've been waiting for it to be his idea and finally it was!)

and

2: I need time to heal, and some slack to be able to do it on my own time table- and he agrees!

Thank you Christmas Angels- you gave me a miracle! :)