Resolution

I feel like goals that I set for myself during new years don't necessarily ever actually end up working out. So. Today I am making some December 3rd resolutions. Well, one resolution. I want to will write on this blog every day for (at least) one year. There. I said it out loud. What triggered such a lofty goal you ask? Well, I caught myself last night WAY slipping back in my recovery. You know those moments where you are just like "How did I get back here??" Well, for the first time in at least a year, I went snooping. Guys, I haven't even been out of therapy for three months, and I broke a MAJOR bottom-line that I swore I would never ever break- unless I have a VERY strong prompting from Heavenly Father. Welp, I didn't go snooping because of a push from the Holy Ghost... I went snooping out of fear. UGH. And I hated it. And I hated the feeling that it gave me. And I hate that acting out of fear breeds more fear. Well, I didn't find anything in my snooping besides about twenty minutes missing from the browsing history, and the fact that the data on his phone was turned on. So of course I broke another bottom-line and asked him if he had acted out. He said no. And I could tell that he meant it. So then I felt crazy.... which breeds more fear, because that is how I felt for TWO YEARS before active recovery. UGH UGH and UGH.

It all comes down to this:

1. There is a reason why I made that bottom-line. It is so that I can feel safe, and avoid feeling crazy. Also, because it allows him to take control of his own addiction- If he ever does act out, the ball is in his court to tell me... and if he doesn't, I am sure my good pal, the Holy Ghost will help me out, just like he has done so many times. And if that day comes, I have other bottom-lines that I have set to help me out, just like this one does.

and

2. There was a reason why I went to a group once a week. It was a constant reminder to always be working on my bottom-lines and self improvement. It was an outlet to release all of my concerns and fears with women who were going through/had gone through similar things. And it looks like i still need that constant reminder. 

I know that I only met with my girls once a week, but being in the place where I am at in my recovery, and seeing how far I had slipped back into co-dependent behavior last night, I have decided that I want to REALLY progress in my recovery- and move forward. I refuse to be a victim of circumstance, and I have decided to take my recovery by the horns again. So. See you tomorrow, Wopa Friends!