Shame Church Talk

Soooo, I was about to go into shame about not posting again yesterday, and I will write a whole post tomorrow about why (I'm telling you, it's big!) Anyway, today I gave that talk in church! I am sure you will recognize parts of it, because part of it came from my blog! haha! Gotta love recovery work- totally helps when you're in a pinch and have to write a talk. Love you my WoPA pals! Thanks for loving me like unto thyself! (you'll get it after you read my talk ;) haha!

The topic I was given today was “goals” I figure that there have been enough talks about how to set goals, and which goals to set, so I wanted to address an important topic that tends to stand in the way when we set goals- and almost always wins the battle. Shame. Shame is hard to define, but luckily, my favorite researcher over at Texas University, Dr. Brene Brown who studies both shame and vulnerability created a definition for us:

Shame is "Intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."

Here are the differences between 4 things that previously I had thought were all basically the same thing: Embarrassment, Humiliation Guilt, and Shame. Here are the basics:

Embarrassment: Least powerful- mostly embarrassing situations that can happen.

Shame: "I am bad" Behavior makes you a bad person

Guilt: "I did something bad" Not condoning behavior you are not proud of.

Humiliation: "People believe they deserve their Shame, but they don't feel that they deserve humiliation."

Shame is thinking "I am such a bad mother for feeding my child so much candy" Guilt is thinking "I am feeding my child more candy than I would like." Do you see the difference? Have you heard the phrase "people don't change?" It is so so so much easier to change a behavior rather than changing a belief that you hold about yourself!! Guilt motivates change- Shame paralyzes.

God gave us guilt. According to LDS.org, All people are born with the capacity to distinguish between right and wrong. This ability, called conscience, is a manifestation of the Light of Christ . When we do something wrong, it is called “Remorse” or “guilt” True to form the adversary takes something that is god-given and twists it- giving us shame because he “seeketh all men to be miserable like-unto himself” 2^nd Nephi 2:27.

How Shame keeps us from reaching our goals:

Characteristics of Shame:

·      Seeks Social Isolation and Emotional Withdrawal

·      Feels Lack of Trust in one’s self

·      Experiences Constricted Spontaneity

·      Repeats similar mistakes

·      Relies on Rigid Behavior

  Characteristics of Guilt:

·      Participates in the social process of recovery from Shame

·      Trusts one’s opinion and feelings

·      Experiences Joy

·      Learns from Past Experience

·      Approaches problems with flexibility

-Dr. Tim Sheehan

Not only can Shame stop us from achieving our goals, it can stop us from feeling like we are able to even set goals in the first place!

So, I know what I want you to be thinking right now: I want you to be thinking “Ashley, if shame can make you freeze and stops you from moving forward, HOW on EARTH do you get out of it?” Doesn’t it seem like one big trap?

God gives us the antidote- It's in Leviticus: "Love thy neighbor as thyself"

Let’s go back to my girl, Dr. Brene Brown’s research: She found that the one thing that combats Shame is EMPATHY! Empathy. Crazy right? The thing that gets us out of our Shame Freeze is hearing someone else say “I understand, I’ve been there too” or “That’s happened to me too” or “It’s okay, you’re normal. – Because shame tells us the exact opposite: “Don’t tell anyone- it’s not normal” or “no one understands what it’s like.” But as you are able to share your goals with others, you’ll see that you are more like your fellow human beings than you thought. If you thought of a goal you want to set, but don’t think anyone else would get it- chances are the person sitting in the pew right behind you has thought the same thing about himself or herself. It takes vulnerability. Don’t they say that goals that are said out loud are 60% more likely to happen- 80% if you share it with someone else!

So go ahead! Share your goals with someone- be willing to be vulnerable- Who knows? You may even find in that person a desire to work on the same thing and who will work on it at the same time as you! Love thy neighbor as thyself, and get out of the shame that is holding you back.

In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen.