I found my lifestar workbooks. It's so crazy going back and looking at them... It's so crazy how far I have come! It's incredible. I can only hope that I can grow equally as much if I can go through them again.
The part that I went over today went over self-image.
In my book I wrote about how I felt like I was unworthy when I would get covenant eyes reports, or would walk by popular lingerie stores and know that I didn't measure up. Guys: I don't get covenant eyes reports anymore (btw, I would never ever suggest that the wife be the accountability partner, it breeds the fear cycle in the wife- setting a bottom line around that was one of the best things I ever did for my recovery), and while I still feel resentment to lingerie stores, I don't compare myself to that standard anymore!
So what do I feel bad or unworthy about now? How I use my time! I have literally 6 hours a day at work now that it is slow that I could be doing anything with my time, and I use it to watch shows on Hulu. I want to be better, and I am slowly working on getting there- hence this blog! Baby steps!
How did I used to cope with these things that made me feel bad or unworthy? I would go over the top to get praise from other people- as if compliments for other people would prove that I was worth something!
I am working (and so far succeeding) at no longer being a people pleaser! I try hard to be real with people around me. I still have some work to do-specifically with authority figures, but with my peers, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job and being at peace with who I am, what I think, my opinions, my likes, my dislikes. Even if they are sort of quirky or weird! It's who I am, and I love me so much more now than I ever did then.
Crazy.
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