BOOK CLUB!! Chapter 1: Understanding Shame

Okay, so I got my book on amazon e-reader, since the copy that I owned is probably still in a box somewhere. This time around I have been able to either listen to the book or just read it. I'm going to be 100% honest right now: The stories of shame were pretty hard for me to get through- I found myself zoning out because I didn't want to read them or listen to them. It's funny how she almost called me out on it- but I love how she did it! I love that she gave an example of how she herself did the same thing in relation to one of the stories- how she showed that it is only human for us to do so. Because this was my second time through this chapter, I paused it, and went back so that I could lean into the discomfort, and I did pretty good at keeping up with the stories, and leaning into the pain. I still found myself doing the thinking that she described, like "So glad I don't have to go through that." type of thinking- thinking that distances myself from the pain that the shame is so obviously causing. Also, she called it when she said that the stories that are related to the stuff that I am going through are strangely comforting. I really found myself connecting to the story of the wife who is pretty sure that her community leader, and great father of a husband is addicted to internet porn. It was comforting, like my pal Brene said, because it shows that I am definitely not alone in this- I am not alone in being afraid that if anyone finds out, they will think less of him, or like he is a pervert. I am not alone in being afraid that other people will treat me or my son differently because of the stupid addiction. Oddly, relived, and yet, oddly, shameful- although maybe not as shameful as I was feeling about it before.

So that being said- Yes. The first part of the chapter made me feel "uncomfortably familiar" with all of these emotions, and I can't tell you how RELIEVED I felt when I read the words "Shame Resiliency" If there is a way to conquer this beast, by golly, I want to get there! I went into the next part of the chapter with my heart wide open and boy am I glad I decided to read on.

The next part of the chapter was life-changing to me the first time that I read it- It talks about the difference between 4 things that previously I had thought were all basically the same thing: Embarrassment, Humiliation Guilt, and Shame. Here are the basics:

Embarrassment: Least powerful- mostly embarrassing situations that can happen.

Shame: "I am bad" Behavior makes you a bad person

Guilt: "I did something bad" Not condoning behavior you are not proud of.

Humiliation: "People believe they deserve their Shame, but they don't feel that they deserve humiliation."

And here is how it changed my life:

I was able to recognize the SECOND I had a shaming thought- and I was able to rearrange the thought from Shame and into Guilt. I went from thinking "I am such a bad mother for feeding my child so much candy" to "I am feeding my child more candy than I would like." Do you see the difference? Have you heard the phrase "people don't change?" It is so so so much easier to change a behavior rather than changing a belief that you hold about yourself!! Guilt motivates change- Shame paralyzes.

The rest of the chapter is great, but I honestly didn't get there this week. Did anybody Else? What did you think? Do you have any additional insights from the beginning of the book?

My favorite quotes from this chapter:

"You can not Shame or Belittle people into changing their behaviors"

"You cant force people into making positive changes by putting them down or threatening them with rejection, humiliating them in front of others, or belittling them"

Experiencing Shame is excruciating, Listening to Shame can be almost equally as excruciating.

Defining Shame:

"Intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging"

ALSO!! I found a link with like FOUR of the exercises that we used in phase 4 on it! I'll put it down here!