Breakdown

I had a total break-down two days ago in front of J.

I had just come home from doing homework at my parent's house so my little guy could play with cousins and not get so bored while I did it. J was supposed to meet up with me there and grab little T so that he could take him home and put him to bed. Forty minutes after he said he would be there, I looked at the time and was surprised that I hadn't seen him yet, so I called. He was home- and gave me a long-winded and distracted answer as to why he hadn't shown up. I think my gut knew instantly that something up and that he was acting off.  Lately when I have this feeling I go into avoidance mode. But I couldn't because I had a lot of math homework left to do- the logical side of my brain was totally in control- and I didn't hide it.

 He sensed that I was upset (he is always asking if I am mad or upset and I am constantly saying no, and using more precise language like "no, I have my feelings hurt" or "no, I am just hopeful that things like this won't happen anymore), and when he asked I said "There is no point in you coming here anymore at this point. I am almost done with my homework and I should be there in about 15 minutes." He hurried and tried to make it right with a "no, I can come grab teddy, and blah blah blah" but I just told him that would not be necessary and that I would see him in 15 minutes.

Because my brain was in my mammalian mindset rather than my reptilian survival mode, I was able to logically think through what I was thinking, and what was making me upset. By doing my intelligence self-care, I was gave myself the gift of feeling mixed with logic. It was incredible, and so liberating. The drive home was me thinking about things that I had been avoiding thinking about. 

T and I got home, and I got the sense that J was on edge, and ready to fight if needed. I said hi, and started to get T ready for bed. As I was doing that, I got another disclosure in kind of an accusing/flippant kind of way. He had acted out. I asked him if it was before or after I had gotten off the phone with him, and he said before. 

I looked at him, started to cry, and said "You are tearing this family apart, and it doesn't even look like you care."

 J's face was priceless- I think after all these months of disclosures and my calm and collected reactions that he honestly thought that it wasn't hurting me that bad. Of course in true addict fashion, his first knee jerk reaction was to start to point out all of my flaws. 

He pointed out that I am horrible at saving and budgeting money- and that that could be the reason why we are drifting apart. I said, you're right, I am horrible at it, and I am working on it, but that is not the reason our marriage is failing, and that I wouldn't let him change the subject.

For the first time I think ever, I looked J in the eyes, and said "You are cheating on me. You are masterbating to pictures of OTHER WOMEN- That is CHEATING." I had never told him that straight up. He looked like he was in shock. I told him that every disclosure is a stab to the gut, and that lately I had felt like I had to suppress the pain because he wasn't doing anything about it, and I needed to evaluate what my options were because I couldn't live like this anymore. 

"Right now this is my life: I wake up and see that he's not in bed and I get a flashback of waking up to the same thing and going to find him only to see disgusting images on a screen and him hurrying to close the lid of his laptop, I get the mail hoping that I won't get a bombshell with victoria secret magazines like I did when we were first married, but that I still live with those images burned into my brain every single time I get the mail- and this is my everyday. Instead of wondering when your lunch is because I want to tell you all about my day, I'm wondering because I picture you sitting in some table against the wall looking at pictures of other women.... and so it goes. All day long. Numbing to avoid the pain, hating myself for numbing, but not knowing what to do with all of this but to shove it all down and ignore it."

I told him that the reason why I am so confused about this whole job thing is because the day before I had just come to terms that I could do this on my own- and that life would be better. Harder but better. I was one act-out away from asking for a separation, and then this whole thing happens. He decides he is out of control and that he wants to quit his job so he can take care of himself and his family and work recovery. Well where does that leave me?? I had just decided that I would be happier as a single mother than with a husband who cheats on me once a week now with virtual women! 

T started to fuss, so J took him upstairs and put him to bed. It gave me some time to do some extra self-care and what I needed emotionally was validation. So I opened up the book "your sexually addicted spouse," and all the validation in the world came flooding in. I was completely immersed when J finally came back down to finish our conversation.

He thanked me for being honest. He told me that suppressing all of this didn't help either of us.

And that's where we left it. I feel horrible and awesome all at the same time. Horrible because we haven't touched the subject since because there is no time. He is still at work before I wake up, and comes home as we are getting ready for bed.  Awesome because I finally got brave enough to speak my feelings and my pain and my thoughts with him, and I did it- despite my thinking that these words were too hard for him to hear. He needed to hear them I think just as much as I needed to speak them. 

So, back to the question: "Where does that leave me?" I don't know. But I finally feel brave enough to face wherever that is.