Vulnerability Double-take

I have always loved the Brene Brown line that says something along the lines of "don't trust your vulnerability with just anybody- its okay and good to be your real to everyone, but to share the things that touch your shame- someone has to earn that right." You know, something like that.

I have told myself that before, and that is the main reason why only my family and (very) close friends know about J and the addiction- and a even smaller ring than that knows about this blog.

That being said, for some reason in my mind I didn't think that this rule applied to J.  I get so uptight around him because I am so used to being so dang vulnerable around him. I didn't realize it, but I guess I watch him? He told me that he constantly catches me glaring at him and watching him. 

Doesn't surprise me.

I think I'm just trying to figure out where the logic is in his actions.

But I decided that I don't have to be miserable when he's around- even though I have the right to be hurt by his actions and lack of recovery work. I have decided that I am going to apply that piece of advice here and be aloofly pleasant. Just like a roommate that I get to live with- but can't stand their habits. I still have to live with them, so you get to make things work, but I don't have to share all my deepest darkest feelings all the time.

I applied it last night- and it resulted in a drama-free evening. I think the withdrawn and addict side of J enjoyed it (we are both masters of the small talk game). I think living like this while I figure out what the heck I want will make the time be more pleasant. I think that when/if J ever decides to enter recovery again, he will notice and then work hard to make our relationship deep again.

It'll be another sign that he is working recovery.

So on my part, that means that I get to turn elsewhere to talk out my pain. This blog is great, and I have a few WoPA friends that I talk to, so I think I call pull this off and that it will help me work towards being more secure and solid in my recovery. I am still working on my boundaries and bottom-lines- and I think this will also help me focus on that.