Choices

I have a love-hate relationship with social media. Hate because of the sometimes ignorant comments like the one I wrote about in one of my recent posts. But love because I follow some incredibly uplifting people/groups.

I follow the @BOM_365 on instagram, an account that reads the book of mormon slowly over the course of the year and asks relevant questions about the reading. This morning it asked a question that I have been wondering myself for a while. "Why do the wicked take the truth to be hard?" I had to chuckle.  I have been wondering the same thing lately- just replace the word "wicked" with "addict"- so much so that I decided to stop thinking about it so that I wouldn't go crazy! 

That was one of the things that I discovered about myself when I had my turnaround with prayer the other day- and something that I am working on every day: I don't want to be afraid to say or do something just because I don't think J will like it.

But it's funny- when I read that question, instantly another quote that I LOVE came into my mind:

(I love it so much that I just made this printable the other day and hung it in my house.) 

In my mind, it sort of answers the question. One of the biggest lies that the addict tells him/herself is that it doesn't affect anyone but them. I think that's what J is telling himself right now, and why he gets so upset when I tell him that his actions have an impact on me. Choice = Consequence. I don't understand it, because we have had this conversation before, but the addiction does things to his brain that I am starting to understand- and I know that one of those things is memory loss. Awesome. But the answer is this: When we sin and realize that we have to face the consequence that comes with it, we take the truth of that fact to be hard- VERY hard.

And that doesn't just apply to actions, it applies to non-actions too! I am affected when he chooses to not have any boundaries or bottomlines. 

Last night J had a run-in that felt like it shows this perfectly. He asked me to scratch his back under his shirt. The thought of skin-to-skin contact made me panic and started to bring on a trauma response (I can't control when those happen), so I told him that I felt uncomfortable scratching under the shirt- but that I would scratch over the shirt if he would like. He huffed and said that he was offended and then turned over. He didn't want to face the fact that his actions and non-actions caused me to feel uncomfortable and triggered.

Writing this is a little bit triggering because as I am typing, I realize that this scenario has been played before in my past, but with a completely different ending- usually it ends with him apologizing for hurting me, and telling me that he understands if I needed some space.

It was just something small- and usually I am alright doing it, but when an act-out was so recent, and I haven't seen any progress towards change my triggers and PTSD-like symptoms are so much more frequent. 

A week ago I probably would have just scratched his dang back and then dealt with the consequences of resentment and a magnifying of trauma today. But today I am proud of myself for sticking up for me! Slowly but surely I am building these NEW bottom lines and rights and here is the first one:

As a daughter of a God, I have the right to be able to say "no" to something when it makes me feel uncomfortable- even if it pertains to my husband.

If something (a situation, a movie, anything) makes me feel uncomfortable,  I will take it as a sign that I need to give myself some immediate attention and say "no" even when it's hard- no matter what. Because I am worth it.

(I should write a book: "Everything I needed to Know I Learned in Young Women." haha!)