Self-imposed Isolation

Over the past couple of days I have gotten into the bad habit of self-imposed random bursts of isolation.

I know that it's good for me to be social and to talk about what is going on- but I just haven't wanted to. I have been horrible at answering texts, avoiding seeing anyone I don't absolutely have to see, avoiding talking to anyone via telephone. It's annoying. I hate it. But I don't know what to say.

I am so confused right now, I don't know what to tell people. Usually I can get by with just surface topics, but the problem with J quitting his job is that it is porn-related and yet un-porn-related. So people hear the fact: "J is giving his two-weeks-notice," and then when they ask for a reason or a plan I see on their faces, hear in their voices the question: WHY ON EARTH IS HE QUITTING HIS JOB WITHOUT A BACKUP PLAN??

Truth is: I don't want to tell the truth so I just say "He has been living out of his car and leaves the house when we are asleep and comes home after we are in bed- it's survival, it isn't living, and he has done as much as he can handle."

And then comes the sympathetic sighs and rubbing of my arm with pity in their eyes.

There is some vulnerability in that statement- but even that is too much for the few people we have told.

Pity.

Vulnerability hangover: and it's not even the full vulnerable truth.

I have been ignoring it. Hoping it goes away, but it isn't, and he officially gave his two weeks notice today. This is here to stay.

I am working on not jumping into "fix-it Ashley" mode. I will not plan out his life.

I also realized a few minutes after writing that last post that what he does doesn't have to affect my work. I still need to be doing my recovery no matter what he does or doesn't do.

So.

Self care.

Boundaries.

Bottomlines.

Oh. and I'm going to stop avoiding all these wonderful people heavenly father has randomly had call or text me so that maybe I can figure out exactly what I'm feeling right now.