Embrace

This morning for the first time in forever I actually knelt down and prayed- I didn't just lay in bed and mumble a quick "please bless this day to be good" - I prayed. 

It's amazing how being brutally honest with God helps you to be more brutally honest with yourself.

Here is what I learned about myself this morning:

1. That I am lonely

2. That I am still afraid of doing something that will trigger my husband

3. I have been passive to my husband without realizing it

4. I have the right to speak my mind

5. No matter what I do, I can't avoid pain

6. I have an older brother who has already felt this pain, and will help me bear it

7. I have no idea how I'm going to let him

8. I am closer to the end my tolerance of this addiction than I thought

9. I refuse to stay married to an active addict

10. I missed the spirit, I missed prayer, I missed the power it brings to my life

It's a whole lot to take in. What led to this prayer after almost a full 6 months of kneeling-down-spoken-outloud prayer hiatus?

Last night I tried to connect with my husband. We have done "check-ins" (almost) every night since we were about halfway through Lifestar. Last night he checked in, and said that he had been clean, and that he has a void in his spiritual life that he wants to fill... but that it doesn't sound like fun so he doesn't want to fill it. It was vague, so I asked a probing question about something he had said to me earlier that day: That he didn't want an iPhone because that is 12 hours of the day when he wouldn't be acting out (when he is at work). I thought it was interesting since he has a whole lot of access at home- an iPad, an Apple TV, and consequently an (albeit brick-like) phone with internet access since he hasn't asked me to block it for him this month. I asked him about it without speaking my mind (oh hello passiveness), and I got another vague answer.

So I went to check in. I was honest and vague myself. I said that emotionally I was feeling raw. Usually he is pretty good at asking a probing question when I give a vague answer like that, but he just sat there and looked at me without saying a word. I finished my check-in, and then asked him a question: "Do you care about my recovery? I am just curious if you care about me or my recovery." He answered "I just know that if we get into talking about it, we will move into talking about my recovery or lack thereof and it will turn into this big long thing and I'm tired and want to go to bed." I looked at the clock. It was only 9:00. He had just said that he wanted to be in bed by 9:30- and had taken Nyquil for his cold. The last couple of nights he had said that he needed to kill half an hour until the medicine kicked in, so we would watch a TV episode or something. That should have given me at least 1/2 and hour of time where he could have been supportive and listened, but he chose to not. I told him that it felt like he cared more about sleeping than trying to heal us and our relationship, and he calmly said "yes, that's right."

I just stared.

He started to pretend to fall asleep sitting up. 

I left the room and went to bed not knowing what to think. This hadn't happened since Provo- the time I look at as my personal hell.

I thought of all the times he called me during his work day just so he could vent about things that he didn't like at work the past couple of weeks. I think of all the times I just listened and empathized with him. I did it because I love him- not expecting anything in return. And yet when I needed just that, I got a non-verbal message from him saying that sleep was more important than my feelings. No remorse. Just bitterness that I keep bringing it up.

So that brings me back to the prayer. I woke up this morning after hitting rock bottom emotionally. I didn't know where to turn at 6:00 in the morning. I instantly opened up instagram on my phone to numb and look at other people's happy lives- but luckily something better happened. I saw a verse of scripture:

Pray Always that you may come off conquerer; yea that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work.

D&C 10:5

I had my answer. 

I prayed.

And now I just have embrace all the answers I got. Thank you Heavenly Father for always being there to be my listening ear.