TED talk fail

This week has been full of triggers:

No set boundaries on my husband's part means that I am constantly being triggered by stupid things that wouldn't trigger me ordinarily. 

So I get onto Facebook to numb from that debatical, and I find post a status that friend of mine written that said that had gone to a BYU address where the speaker couldn't stress enough how you should never "turn away" your spouse, and then shared a Ted Talk about a "Sex-Starved" marriage- of course I watched half of it before I turned it off, but the first half was SO BAD- more than enough material in the first 7 minutes to hit any WoPA's shame button. That was most triggering because I had actually had a conversation with her before about how Porn hurts marriage.

That being said: I need to talk some sense into my little brain over here and tell myself things that I already know.

First, it's a good thing that if I was going to watch that video, I watched it knowing what I know today, rather than when I was first married and would have taken every word to heart.

Second, Maybe there is some truth in her message to couples who aren't made out of at least 50% sex addict. Ugh

The thing that was most triggery was that her message was that it was almost word-for-word what J says when he doesn't feel like he is getting enough. Addict terminology. And she made it seem like THAT was the real cause of divorces all around the country. She called her self a marriage resuscitator, and that she helped "9-1-1 marriages" In her professional opinion, one person not getting enough sex meant not getting enough love- and a marriage cannot survive without that "love."

I've been thinking about it, and I think I know what I would say to her if I could say anything:

Sex doesn't equal love. Yes, it is good within a faithful marriage and builds the marriage stronger. But, yes, withholding sex when you don't feel safe to do so can also save a marriage. Forcing yourself to have sex with your partner when you don't feel safe creates resentment. Resentment is also a relationship killer. Porn is a relationship killer and a sex-life killer. So YES, I will say no when I am feeling betrayed in my sex-life. 

I feel like in sensitive topics like these, there should most definably be some kind of disclaimer saying that this doesn't apply to those who have been sexually betrayed, because you bet your bottom dollar that the people who will go seeking out those types of videos are those who need help in that area. That advice would have shamed me to no end before I know what I know now. I sure as heck hope that if someone in my situation found that link, that they also found help in other resources like Rhyll Recovery, or the Recovery Blogs.

So that is how I learned the hard way: You can't trust every TED talk you watch.