How I feel about addiction

I know it's friday, but I haven't touched that book, being in survival mode and all, so I guess that gives everyone who wanted in on the book club a chance to catch up and get to Chapter 3 next week.

When things are going well with J and the addiction, I rarely think of Porn in a literal sense. I think of it as "the addiction"- It hurts less to think of the chemical bindings in his head rather than think of what he is actually addicted to. And then I get a disclosure- a lot like I got a few days ago, and then BAM it all hits me- porn. Oh that's right- my husband is addicted to looking at other women and masturbating (I hate that word.). Nice. That addiction I think about every once in a while is linked to something that hurts. I guess that's how it is with all addictions- they are harmful because it hurts not only themselves, but other people. But, it's not like Tobacco- Tobacco would be annoying and hurtful to be sure- but Sex addiction directly impacts us. He is addicted to something that is built and designed to tear marriages and relationships apart.

We were starting to talk about having another baby. I have two conditions before that happens:
1. He needs to be consistent about telling me at least 24 hours after he acts out. 2. At least three months of sobriety. We were getting close- I was getting in the mindset of having another baby. And then this bomb was dropped. He looked at porn a month ago- meaning that this last month that I was getting in this mindset, he had stopped the baby train without telling me. Awesome.

That being said, I am soo glad that he did tell me before we actually were pregnant- I never want to feel resentment to a baby that I haven't met yet "trapping" me in a marriage ever again. My son has been the biggest blessing, and I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him- but I deeply regret not being able to use those nine months of him in my belly as bonding time. I wish I had been able to spend more than just the last two months (when I decided I didn't care what my husband was doing, he wouldn't ruin this for me) being anxious to meet the special spirit inside of me. I refuse to even risk losing time having to deal with pregnancy hormones and the stupid thoughts of whether I may have to raise the baby alone in order to keep us all safe.  So what I am saying is that I would rather deal with this relapse as a non-pregnant woman rather than a pregnant woman. Even though I am missing the idea of having a baby- I miss that baby! I wanted him/her so bad! I was ready. I was confident about moving forward- and wasn't ever planning on having to deal with a relapse ever again.

I guess I got so caught up in my thoughts of the future that I honestly didn't see this one coming. I got worried and anxious when he started buying new technology- and then when he threw his bottom-lines out of the window- but I was so wrapped up in my hopes for the future that I didn't fathom that anything would happen like it has in the past to thwart that happiness.

Lesson Learned.

I have decided to re-look at my rights and boundaries with fresh eyes, and see what I need to do now that I am in a totally new situation- having gone through therapy, and knowing that he also knows what's healthy, even if he threw it all out the window- I feel like I need to look at it and maybe tweak some things. I think it'll be good for me- get them fresh in my mind again.