Proud

I know what you're thinking: twice in one day!? Oh yeah. Making up for lost time. But also- I am so freaking proud of myself I just had to share. 

J came home last night with a new iPad. I admittedly was worried- but felt calm about it- I think it was all the self care that I had done that day. He was really good about it, and we spent almost the entire evening hanging out and flirting. It was so fun. The iPad only came out once during the whole evening, and the whole time he talked about all the good he was going to do with it.

Fast forward to today- still a little apprehensive about the iPad being in my home and unlocked and completely unmonitored, I made sure to do some extra self care- I'm doing the whole30 diet which sucks but makes me feel really good about the self discipline I am gaining. Also, I had two great conversations with my two favorite WoPA pals. So overall, I felt good, and then on top of it I went to the gym with my two sisters and had a blast while J put down our son. 

I came home in high spirits because I have been taking good care of myself- and the second I walked through the door I saw J on the couch on his iPad alone in the dark. *Instant read flag* I sat down and we talked about my gym experience and how much I loved it- and then I asked how our son had went down and about his new iPad. He talked for a minute about it and then was like "I looked at not very good pictures" *instant numbness*

(And here is where I am proud of myself)I didn't jump into "save J" mode- he admitted that he was waiting for it, but realized that I wasn't going to save him when I said "do you need a minute of alone time?" After a long silence. I told him that it was heavy on me to be the only one who knew. I told him that I didn't want to be his accountability partner or his "check in" person, but that I was here to help- and that knowing that he was working on it is what I needed to hear from him- as that is what helps me best.

Guys!! Bah!!! I went up to bed with boundaries in place, and so pleased with that reaction. I am at peace with where I am- and at peace with the different paths I have chosen based on his actions. Crazy. 

I love recovery work.