When you're doing it all, but it's still not enough

 Well, since the last emotional post, I have been able to stay really connected with my support group of amazing women, and done plenty of self care. It has felt good to get my feet back underneath me.

I haven't written on my public blog, where people know who I am, and I talk about the fun things that my family does together, so I started writing a new post for it:

"I went out with my amazing and beautiful mother-in-law, and my sweet sister-in-law who I adore, and had a fun day out shopping with the girls. I came home to see my little babe and my husband out in the yard, my babe with chocolate on his face, and a smile from ear-to-ear as he played in the crunchy leaves, and my heart swelled with love for my little family..."

And that's where it stops. Because after playing for just a second longer, all of us rosy cheeked people went inside our warm home- and my husband lays one on me. (no not a kiss) He tells me that he slipped on my computer- oh but don't worry, no naked women. Oh well, Whew, right? What a relief. 

Sometimes I wish that I could just be upfront and honest about things where people actually know who I am. I wish that there would be no fear of rejection of either me or my husband if I came out straight up with the things we are struggling with. But I sit here, thinking about my real life, compared to what people think my life is like... I'm not saying I purposefully put on a front, I do try to be authentic and real with whomever I talk to, but I don't like putting anything negative online for some reason. Anyway, that was off-topic.

I don't even know what to say when my husband slips anymore- I always thank him for being honest with me. Then I sit there, and I don't really say anything. I don't cry. I eventually make a joke, or ask Siri what the score of whatever game is on, so I can distract myself from the pain. I think that's what I do. And then, if I am in a healthy mood, I call somebody from group... except that rarely happens. So I pretend like it didn't happen, or I sulk and make biting comments at him. 

Today was a "pretend it didn't happen" day, and I didn't realize it, but I feel pretty numb. Something that hit me pretty hard when we started attending therapy was that you can't selectively numb- If you numb one aspect of your life, you numb others. You can't numb pain without numbing your happiness. And Dang it, I want to be happy! So I am doing what I can right now by exposing the pain and leaning into it rather than running from it.

So here is what I am going to do: I am going to finally write my letter of anger to my husband (but I don't think I'm going to let him read it), and that is most likely going to expose the pain, followed by a good nights sleep, and then I am going to teach a killer sunbeams lesson, followed by a day of piano playing, walk taking, 2-phone call making awesomeness. And Hubby is sleeping on the couch. And I say to life: Bring it.