New Nerves

I have really had to process exactly went down at my Bishops visit. It was... interesting? haha! I went in with this complete plan of what I was going to say: I was going to tell my story, and then let him know that it really hurt me when he told my husband what he did. The appointment was set for the short time between our group therapy session, and after he came home, he told me that he regretted not fighting for me in the interview when Bishop said that, and that he wanted to come and fight for me now. I wanted to fight my own battle, so I told him I would do it alone, but I appreciated the thought. I wish I would have taken him. Long story short, I prayed for courage and strength to say what I needed to say. So I told my story, and after I told him about the part where my dad gave me that advice, and how much it messed me up, and that no matter what I did, I couldn't satisfy him, he interrupted and told me that I was right, that I would never be able to satisfy that craving. What was I supposed to do with that? It put doubt into my mind. Did he really even tell my husband the advice that he did? And if he did, why on earth would he do that? If he already knew that I couldn't satisfy him, and that I was so traumatized by that experience? Needless to say, I was really caught off guard at that moment, but I reacted positively, and kept telling my story. After telling my story, but before I could tell him his words hurt me, he stared at me and asked why I was telling him this- Why I was there. I was stunned and caught off guard, possibly because the only times I have told my story, I have been met with sympathy and love, and I felt like he had listened just to get it over with- he didn't see how this applied to my being there. I forgot why I was there, and somehow it got tied into him telling me that I HAD to forgive my husband for our marriage to survive. Like I didn't already know that. I have been stewing the interview over and over, and I hope that when he heard what that advice did to me when I heard it and tried to apply it over before, that it hit a chord- but I don't know. I keep mentally hitting myself for not coming right out and saying it. 

My husband got a text from the executive secretary this morning saying that Bishop wanted to meet with both of us today. I am nervous. Really nervous.

Partly because we got in a really really big fight this morning. My husband has been working hard to help me feel safe and earn my trust again. However, stupid fights come up that have "nothing to do" with the addiction to him, and everything to do with addict behavior to me. For example, this morning, our baby wakes up fairly early, and we are both tired and not ready to get up. We have fought about it in the past, and our solution was that we both get up, no more letting the other one sleep. We have been sort of breaking that rule lately, and letting the other one sleep. My husband yesterday when we were on vacation let me sleep, and said that he did it without expecting anything in return. This morning, however, when I didn't leave the lights off and door closed to let him sleep, all hell broke loose. He persecuted me for an hour, not leaving me alone, following me wherever I went, and attacking me with hurtful words. I calmly asked him to give me space over and over, and didn't respond to the attacking words. When he wouldn't leave me alone, I told him that if he didn't leave me alone, I would appreciate him leaving himself. When he wouldn't do that, I put on mine and my babe's coats, and got ready to leave without making a scene of it. He finally went in to bed and shut the door to leave me alone. In the middle of the fight I told him that I deserved better than this treatment, and that my baby deserved better than to learn to treat me like this. I feel like I did it in a very calm way, and wasn't feeling panicky like I do when I start taking in and responding to the verbal abuse. I would have left and been totally okay with it. Does anybody else have fights like this and are able to tie it to addict behavior even if your husband can't see it, and says that you are playing your "trump card" in the argument? I feel crazy when he says things like that- but maybe that's the goal.

So there it is- that happened today, and it is obvious that he is not in the same "fighting for me" mindset that he was in when I went in the first time I went to the Bishops office- and we get to go in together again. I am afraid I am going to be ganged up on. But I am stronger now, and I am not afraid of leaning into the fear. I will do extra self care and call some of my support group, and be prepared for it if it happens. It helps writing things down, and knowing that I have friends in this.