The most awkward person alive.

Dear world:

I am the most awkward person alive right now. Seriously,  the most awkward person ever. I don't like it. I don't know how to change it. I feel like the very social person that I used to be existed in another life. As egotistical as it sounds, I prided myself on my witty comments I could make on the turn of a dime. I could turn a conversation any which way I wanted. While conversation topics were pretty superficial, I enjoyed talking to people. A lot. And I miss that. I miss being able to effortlessly begin and end a conversation, and I miss knowing that I am entertaining whomever I am talking to rather than putting them to sleep. I can't seem to have conversations without having seriously the MOST AWKWARD silences these days. And it's like Old Ashley is looking out at the awkwardness and cringing. I recognize it, but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like a statue. It's weird because in the moment, I am searching for something to say- any old weather comment, SOMETHING. But nothing comes to mind. Gone is the quick thinking brain of before, and I don't know where it went. Part of me wants to blame it on the addiction, but I don't know if anybody else out there has had anything like this happen to them. 

My husband thinks that it is just that we aren't serving people enough, that we need to go talk to more people and it will go away. I think he may be partly right, but I don't think that's all of it. The hard part is that I don't want to talk about the addiction anymore. I want to move on with my life. Geez, I want to feel safe in my own home and invite people over and laugh over an apple cider. Doesn't that sound fantastic? I want to play a board game without getting a look of sympathy or a "how are you really doing?" before it starts. I want to have inside jokes again. I crave normality. When I hear the neighbors around me laughing and joking around, I wonder if I'll ever get that back again? We really are trying, we are doing our best to get out of the house and talk to people. We are just getting more awkward, though. We had dinner next door to our apartment with two other couples the other week, and the whole time, it was polite and interesting conversation with some occasional awkward pauses. We had to leave early to get our son to bed and after we left, I started hearing laughing and joking coming from over there, and when that happens, it's hard to feel like you're not the ones holding the party back.

While it is truly rewarding, and I definitely wouldn't consider switching a social life for the beautiful and excruciating work that we are doing, going through recovery is seriously the worst thing that I could have done to my social life. Our friends that know don't really associate with us anymore (not that we make any more of an effort to socialize back) and friends that don't know about the addiction seem to be keeping their distance. I think that I am getting so good at communicating on a deeper level to group members, that my brain isn't wired to automatically do the whole small-talk thing automatically. I literally have to sit there and think for about 2 minutes to come up with some witty remark that I can insert to the conversation- and by that time the conversation has moved on. I am hoping this is just a phase. PLEASE please pray that this just be a phase.... Amen. What do you think? Is this just a part of recovery work? I sure hope I'm not crazy. :) 

Thanks for hearing me out, internet friends, good to know you are there.

Ashley Out.

Thanksgiving Triggers

I decorated my christmas tree today- we went up into the mountains and cut down our own this year, it was... interesting. We went down to my parent's home, and I enjoyed the time that I had with my husband and son, but the rest of my family was out of sorts. My dad lost his job three months ago, and things are starting to get tight, I think in order to save money, my sweet mom may have started cutting her depression pills in half, and on top of it, my little sister and her two children are living with them, my little brother is dealing with his own pornography addiction and working towards a mission that he already has a call for... needless to say, tension is high.

While there I discovered another trigger, and I don't know how I can fix it- maybe talking it out on here I will be able to figure it out, or get some advice from other people who have gone through something similar? 

While we were at my parent's house, I was triggered multiple times, and I took it out on my hubby, thinking that it was just that he wasn't talking to me about recovery enough... (which was sort of valid, he didn't talk about it as much, but it is pretty hard to find time to reassure me when we are surrounded by family.) and I did have an experience with him there, I caught him watching T.V. alone while I was putting our son down for a nap, and a little bit after a scandy lady came on, and I was pretty triggered by that... but I talked to group members, and I took care of that.

But what the real issue that is bothering me is that I am triggered when I see my brother. I am the one who caught him when his porn addiction came to light. Since then, he has gone to therapy. But that is it, and there is no more support besides his bishop and my parents. Over Thanksgiving Break, he was in total addict behavior- rude, selfish, lazy, and it was like watching my husband two years ago (his low) all over again. My brother would sit on the couch and numb himself all day- saying he was watching mormon comedy, but he had the screen hidden so that no one could really see what he was doing- Just like my husband did. He was sitting in the exact place on the couch where my husband had slipped time and time again. If he wasn't on his phone, he was numbing himself watching T.V. He was defensive, annoyed and angry if anyone interrupted him. He avoided family activities so he could stay home alone- like my husband did. My grandma mentioned how proud she was of his mission call, and he couldn't look at her- much like how my husband would look if I mentioned how grateful I was that I could ask him to give me a blessing at anytime. I was triggered, and I was annoyed with my husband the whole time I was there.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized exactly what I was triggered by, but now I don't know how to handle taking care of it. With my husband, I can tell him what behavior is triggering me, but I don't feel like I have the right to say that to my brother. My parent's are still not very educated about it, and very much in denial- I am afraid if I were to say something that our whole family dynamic would be thrown off. The only thing I can think of doing to keep myself safe is (1) lots of self-care while I am visiting there, which is virtually impossible or (2) avoid going home- which makes me sad to think about having to do.

Any ideas? Advice is welcome.

Stirrings

I'm a little scatterbrained today, so I thought I would share a little bit about the things that have been on my mind the last few days:

First, I'll update the Bishop situation: He just called us in to tell us that he feels that we should go back to activities we had done when we were dating/engaged, and fall back in love using the same dates that we fell in love doing before. It's actually been really good for us, we haven't watched as many shows as we used to right before going to bed, and we've been pulling the games off the shelf and blowing off the dust- It's been really bonding. We also have become a little less strict with bedtime and our boy, we figure that we are in college and young still, and he is a college baby, let's live (reasonably- we still try to be home by 10, which would have seemed so weird back when we didn't have a baby) and enjoy living. It's been pretty awesome, we've gone to concerts, ballgames, and a lot of other fun activities. It's a little harder to be isolated when you're out being reminded that the world is still spinning.

Okay, now on to what's on my mind

The reason why I chose the word "stirrings" as a title for this post is because of that feeling I am starting to sense in the air- the winds of change are blowing. I am getting a new sister-in-law in a few months, we are going off to who knows where for law school this fall, we are finishing up phase 2 of the lifestar program, and I have no idea where we are going to go from there- if we will start over with a new phase 2 now that my husband is becoming more committed to be sober at the end of the program, or if we will continue on to phase 3- which is supposed to be a hard phase where you dig into the roots of the problem..., my baby is turning into a talking toddler, and that's a huge change, I'm studying for the LSAT, and will be graduating next year. I guess I am feeling the stirrings of the new woman I am becoming, and I love it! Lately, I have also felt the stirrings of love coming back into my heart for my husband- I didn't realize how little was left until we started building again, it's been pretty cool. Also, he has been sober for about 2 weeks now, woot woot! Last time we went two months, so he's reaching for a new record, and I'm proud of him.

Other thing on my mind:

Have you guys read this article that's going around the internet? I read it, and agreed with everything it was saying, he had a lot of good points. I like that it was written by a man to men. Do you think it's something you would share with your husband? I am afraid it will hit my husband's shame button if I did...

New Nerves

I have really had to process exactly went down at my Bishops visit. It was... interesting? haha! I went in with this complete plan of what I was going to say: I was going to tell my story, and then let him know that it really hurt me when he told my husband what he did. The appointment was set for the short time between our group therapy session, and after he came home, he told me that he regretted not fighting for me in the interview when Bishop said that, and that he wanted to come and fight for me now. I wanted to fight my own battle, so I told him I would do it alone, but I appreciated the thought. I wish I would have taken him. Long story short, I prayed for courage and strength to say what I needed to say. So I told my story, and after I told him about the part where my dad gave me that advice, and how much it messed me up, and that no matter what I did, I couldn't satisfy him, he interrupted and told me that I was right, that I would never be able to satisfy that craving. What was I supposed to do with that? It put doubt into my mind. Did he really even tell my husband the advice that he did? And if he did, why on earth would he do that? If he already knew that I couldn't satisfy him, and that I was so traumatized by that experience? Needless to say, I was really caught off guard at that moment, but I reacted positively, and kept telling my story. After telling my story, but before I could tell him his words hurt me, he stared at me and asked why I was telling him this- Why I was there. I was stunned and caught off guard, possibly because the only times I have told my story, I have been met with sympathy and love, and I felt like he had listened just to get it over with- he didn't see how this applied to my being there. I forgot why I was there, and somehow it got tied into him telling me that I HAD to forgive my husband for our marriage to survive. Like I didn't already know that. I have been stewing the interview over and over, and I hope that when he heard what that advice did to me when I heard it and tried to apply it over before, that it hit a chord- but I don't know. I keep mentally hitting myself for not coming right out and saying it. 

My husband got a text from the executive secretary this morning saying that Bishop wanted to meet with both of us today. I am nervous. Really nervous.

Partly because we got in a really really big fight this morning. My husband has been working hard to help me feel safe and earn my trust again. However, stupid fights come up that have "nothing to do" with the addiction to him, and everything to do with addict behavior to me. For example, this morning, our baby wakes up fairly early, and we are both tired and not ready to get up. We have fought about it in the past, and our solution was that we both get up, no more letting the other one sleep. We have been sort of breaking that rule lately, and letting the other one sleep. My husband yesterday when we were on vacation let me sleep, and said that he did it without expecting anything in return. This morning, however, when I didn't leave the lights off and door closed to let him sleep, all hell broke loose. He persecuted me for an hour, not leaving me alone, following me wherever I went, and attacking me with hurtful words. I calmly asked him to give me space over and over, and didn't respond to the attacking words. When he wouldn't leave me alone, I told him that if he didn't leave me alone, I would appreciate him leaving himself. When he wouldn't do that, I put on mine and my babe's coats, and got ready to leave without making a scene of it. He finally went in to bed and shut the door to leave me alone. In the middle of the fight I told him that I deserved better than this treatment, and that my baby deserved better than to learn to treat me like this. I feel like I did it in a very calm way, and wasn't feeling panicky like I do when I start taking in and responding to the verbal abuse. I would have left and been totally okay with it. Does anybody else have fights like this and are able to tie it to addict behavior even if your husband can't see it, and says that you are playing your "trump card" in the argument? I feel crazy when he says things like that- but maybe that's the goal.

So there it is- that happened today, and it is obvious that he is not in the same "fighting for me" mindset that he was in when I went in the first time I went to the Bishops office- and we get to go in together again. I am afraid I am going to be ganged up on. But I am stronger now, and I am not afraid of leaning into the fear. I will do extra self care and call some of my support group, and be prepared for it if it happens. It helps writing things down, and knowing that I have friends in this. 

Day of Nerves

 So after this last slip, my husband went and talked to the Bishop after church on Sunday.

Usually after these meetings, my husband is either really on edge because (a) he's still in addict mode or (b) the bishop doesn't really understand this addiction, and totally hits his shame button... so he's usually down or really up because of a blessing the bishop gave him, or some really sound advice, usually pertaining to scripture study, prayer or some other aspect of his fatherly duties.

He usually comes home and straight away wants to talk about what the bishop discussed, but this time he was closed lipped... which threw up some red flags in my mind. So I asked him about it, and he said that it was really good, and that he had gotten some good advice- but that he thought I wouldn't like some of the other stuff that the Bishop had said.

Flashbacks of the last time I didn't like what Bishop had said came rushing into my mind: About two months ago, the Bishop had responded to a text my hubby sent him about a slip, and the bishop replied asking if maybe I could "do something" to "help him out." Indicating that I wasn't putting out enough- but not explicitly saying it. So I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.

This time however, Bishop came straight out and said it: "I know Ashley wants you to get over this, why doesn't she help you out more? Maybe her giving you more may stay the urges." ........ silence. All along I have been disappointed that our bishop doesn't seem interested in learning about the addiction, and how it works, how it effects the wife. But he is human and he is not perfect. I don't think he means to be ignorant. I truly believe that he loves each and every one of his ward members, and that is why I set up an appointment to go in and talk to him tonight before group- so that if it does go wrong, I have a strong group to process it with.

I don't want to go marching in there, and accuse him of being ignorant, nor do I want to go in there and preach or lecture. I simply want to go in there and tell my story. He knows my husband's story, but he doesn't know mine. I am pretty sure that if he knew my history of having my dad tell me the almost exact same advice before we got married, and how badly it messed me up, I am sure that he would not have given that advice. I am sure that if he knew about me freezing up and having my brain shut down when I don't feel like I have a choice in my home, that he wouldn't have given that advice. If he knew that I felt like a prostitute, or slept with pain killers under my pillow for a few months from feeling like a nobody, because I was trying to follow that advice, and blamed myself every time my husband told me about a slip, I am sure that he would not have given that advice.

I also want to address the fact that he may feel like this therapy isn't helping. We were 4-5 months into our lifestar program when we moved into this new ward (we are gratefully and humbly accepting help from the church in funding the therapy), but what he may not know, because my husband isn't one to boast or brag, is that my husband has cut down his slips from 1-3 times a day to once every month or so... which is still way too often for me, but a HUGE improvement. His humble warrior is finally getting some air, and the ability to soak in the sun- something that didn't happen very often. I was in constant fear, being verbally abused, and looked over like I wasn't even there. Life was a very dark place before therapy. But I really think that he just doesn't know that. We found out this last session that our ward didn't help pay for therapy last month, which stresses me out, but at the same time, I would rather eat ramen noodles for every meal and keep going to therapy, than drop out- because dropping out means that I either slowly go back to that dark place, or my husband and I get divorced because therapy is what keeps his addict in check, and I am stronger now- without therapy, I would hold to my boundaries until I couldn't take it any more.

So that's what I am going to go in there and talk about. I am scared, but I really feel like it's the right thing to do. Wish me luck!

When you're doing it all, but it's still not enough

 Well, since the last emotional post, I have been able to stay really connected with my support group of amazing women, and done plenty of self care. It has felt good to get my feet back underneath me.

I haven't written on my public blog, where people know who I am, and I talk about the fun things that my family does together, so I started writing a new post for it:

"I went out with my amazing and beautiful mother-in-law, and my sweet sister-in-law who I adore, and had a fun day out shopping with the girls. I came home to see my little babe and my husband out in the yard, my babe with chocolate on his face, and a smile from ear-to-ear as he played in the crunchy leaves, and my heart swelled with love for my little family..."

And that's where it stops. Because after playing for just a second longer, all of us rosy cheeked people went inside our warm home- and my husband lays one on me. (no not a kiss) He tells me that he slipped on my computer- oh but don't worry, no naked women. Oh well, Whew, right? What a relief. 

Sometimes I wish that I could just be upfront and honest about things where people actually know who I am. I wish that there would be no fear of rejection of either me or my husband if I came out straight up with the things we are struggling with. But I sit here, thinking about my real life, compared to what people think my life is like... I'm not saying I purposefully put on a front, I do try to be authentic and real with whomever I talk to, but I don't like putting anything negative online for some reason. Anyway, that was off-topic.

I don't even know what to say when my husband slips anymore- I always thank him for being honest with me. Then I sit there, and I don't really say anything. I don't cry. I eventually make a joke, or ask Siri what the score of whatever game is on, so I can distract myself from the pain. I think that's what I do. And then, if I am in a healthy mood, I call somebody from group... except that rarely happens. So I pretend like it didn't happen, or I sulk and make biting comments at him. 

Today was a "pretend it didn't happen" day, and I didn't realize it, but I feel pretty numb. Something that hit me pretty hard when we started attending therapy was that you can't selectively numb- If you numb one aspect of your life, you numb others. You can't numb pain without numbing your happiness. And Dang it, I want to be happy! So I am doing what I can right now by exposing the pain and leaning into it rather than running from it.

So here is what I am going to do: I am going to finally write my letter of anger to my husband (but I don't think I'm going to let him read it), and that is most likely going to expose the pain, followed by a good nights sleep, and then I am going to teach a killer sunbeams lesson, followed by a day of piano playing, walk taking, 2-phone call making awesomeness. And Hubby is sleeping on the couch. And I say to life: Bring it. 

Hello Internet Friends

I'm typing to you when I should be in class. Why am I not in class, you ask? Before group, my husband confessed that he had masterbated. Ugh I hate that word. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I should have expected that he would be in addict mode right after, right before. And yet, it surprises me every time. He woke up "mad" at me for "controlling his life.", said that he was "just coming to terms with the fact that this was his new life."He's mad at me for passing on a message from our therapist asking him to call and be accountable for lying to the guys in group. He says that if I pass that message on, I have internalized it and believe he's a liar. And he's mad at me for it. And I sit there without an expression on my face. Just listening. Listening to him tear down the work and progress that I had made in the last three weeks since his last slip. One. Word. At. A. Time. Sit there, wishing my emotions weren't a house of cards that with a puff of his air he could just knock down.

In the last hour, I have been called controlling, a bad mother, a bad housekeeper, a name-caller, a bad wife, dumb, and spacey. I have been told that I can't keep track of my own things, that I am a wreck emotionally. And he's mad at me. Great. 

So the fact that I have stayed with him through the last 2 1/2 years means nothing anymore. The fact that I have been living in a marriage that makes my life a living hell with the hopes that he will pull out if it means nothing. The fact that I have hope in him means nothing- because right now, in the mindset he is in now means that he truly doesn't believe that he will ever get over this.

I have set up boundaries to keep myself safe. Distance. Self care. I have to get out of his way so he can fix this himself- but when we're in the car on my way to school, and I see myself in the reflection, and I think to myself. "Yeah, I look pretty good today... I bet if anyone saw me they would have no clue that I am living in hell right now." I must have said it out loud- I didn't think that I did, but all of a sudden, my husband had new ammo. 

I keep thinking to myself: "distance. self care. distance. self care. Just make it to school so you can escape" But I can't escape that car fast enough, and before you know it, I am bawling. Sobbing. Praying to God in my heart: "What did I do to deserve this? What am I supposed to get out of this part of the test, Father?" And Just like that, my escape plan is gone. I can't go to class like this. I'm a wreck. 

I hate this. I never understood why people had to be Debbie Downers before this hit my life. I always thought to myself: C'mon peeps, where's the silver lining? It can't be all that bad. Snap out of it. But maybe this is why. Maybe it's because they are trying everything they have to be positive. Maybe they work and work and work, and the situation keeps slapping them in the face, back to the place where they started.

I know what I need to do: get out of the house (mostly because as I write this, he keeps coming in with another insult). Distance. Self Care. I am taking a practice LSAT today to prepare for the test in June. I think he also feels threatened that I am pursuing a career... I really think God knew that I needed something that could consistently stop me from being isolated, which is why he talks about my career and schooling so much in my patriarchal blessing. I still want to be a good mother, and I believe with the Lord's help I still can. It just hits his pride. Hardcore. I don't know what to do about it, because I am definitely not going to give up on my dreams- and usually he supports me in them. We both grew up in homes with stay at home mothers- so it's hard for us both to imagine what life will be like once that time in our life hits- once school is over, and we can move on with our lives in four years... My babe will be in Kindergarden, and I don't know if I want any more kids- one maybe. But that's only if we are pretty far from the fight we are fighting now.

I understand that he has had a rough go at the last week- His sister had major brain surgery, and he barely got to the phone in time to stop his brother from committing suicide. Tough Tough stuff, and I have been really worried about him, but he kept saying he was fine... and then yesterday it all exploded.

Well, I am going to go and get myself some breakfast, and perhaps get my nails done before going and taking that practice exam. Thanks for being my online friends- so good knowing that I'm not alone in this.

My Self Cheer!

We learned in group tonight that our minds are powerful enough to reverse some of the negative things that we tell ourselves and that are told to us! Awesome, right?? So I was thinking about it on the way home, and I decided to be my own cheerleader, and write something on here (because then it can perhaps help more than just myself), so that I can go back and read when I'm needing it. And at the risk of sounding egotistical... here it goes:

I am AWESOME.

Seriously, I am so strong, how did I miss it?

I can overcome whatever is thrown at me...

and OWN it!

I have a trial. I am a wife of a Porn Addict.

But this is MY trial, and I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me enough to personalize my trials to be mine and only mine...

 To polish and mold me into the Goddess I AM becoming!

Sometimes it hurts, and I am STRONG enough to EMBRACE it!

I am SMART enough to feel without trying to numb.

Because you can't selectively numb- if you numb one part, you numb it all...

and I don't want that

BECAUSE I LOVE LIFE

My faith is turning to stone, and I will be forever changed by this process

In a GOOD way

No matter what the choices my husband makes, 

I am in CHARGE of my own Happiness

of my own choices

of my own being

and knowing that feels INCREDIBLE.

And before long,

All of this awesomeness wont be able to be contained

I will want to help everyone see the BEAUTY that lives in them,

Just like it lives in me.

Because it's in all of us.

And if we nurture the BREATHTAKING, BEWILDERING, and EXTRAORDINARY that lives in us, 

There's no WAY we will be able to contain it!

WE COULD CHANGE THE WORLD.

Simply because I started by embracing my greatness

And I'm going to start right now

Because I'm great like that.

Drama

Drama. It is the food that the addict likes to feed on. I am grateful for this knowledge. When we first got married and I was in denial that this whole thing was a problem again, I always wondered why we fought so much, and why even the littlest things sent us right into drama.

I didn't know about the two different lights that drama presents itself in: the persecutor mode (usually my husband... unless it was about the addiction, then it was very much myself), and the Victim (usually me).

I am not proud to say that I didn't handle a trigger very well today- We have an iPhone that I have the lock to as a toy for my son that I noticed that my husband and locked up trying to guess the password. I called him on the phone and called him out on it... which I am not proud of. Usually I am able to take a breath, call a group member, and then ask about it later when I'm in a healthy mindset. But I called him in the heat of the moment, and that obviously put him into a bad mood at school.

Later today, we got into an argument because he kept holding it over my head, he called me controlling a million times, and when I walked away, he texted me the word "control" at least 20 times. ugh. Anyway, I was able to not enter "victim" mode when he entered "persecutor" mode! And while it sucked for the 15/20 minutes I was being attacked, I was able to be in a clear mind- and not rub it in his face.

I simply told him in a matter of fact voice that I was not perfect, and neither was he. Sometimes we both make mistakes. I told him that his mistakes hurt me more than my little mistake hurt him, but that I try hard not to hold it over his head, and that I would appreciate the same courtesy. I told him that I didn't deserve it.

And that was it! I am so proud of it. Rather than being sucked in, I was able to keep my head clear and keep out of the drama cycle that feeds the addict! Yay me! :) I'm celebrating a small victory.

 Happy monday!

Connection

I just received a beautiful letter from my Sister-in-law, someone I really admire and look up to. She has been one of my favorite people since the day I met her over a year ago, and I knew she and I were meant to be the best of friends forever. Part of the reason is that our husbands grew up being the best of friends. Seriously tied at the hip, and when each of them went on missions they didn't know what to do without their other half. Tweedle-dee was missing the Tweedle-dum, and after one got home, it was vice versa.

My cute SIL has always been there for me, we have inside jokes and always have a blast when we are together. However I never thought I would be okay telling her about the struggles I have had since I started this journey. Finally this last summer, I felt this huge prompting to tell her at least about the counseling that Jase and I were working on because there really are no secrets in the family, but still sometimes it seems that nothing really gets talked about. So I let her in on some of basic need-to-know kind of things, and she was really sweet about it. And I thought that was it!

Back to the letter I received, she handed it to me tonight as she was heading out the door. I was anxious to read what it said, but I had the feeling like it had to do with the information that I had given earlier this summer. I was a little apprehensive, but the envelope had a heart on it, and I was reminded that because it was from her, it couldn't be anything but something entirely sweet.

And I was not wrong. She filled the letter with supportive words, and heartfelt stories reminding me of our fun times that have made us better friends. Of course I bawled through the whole thing. ;) But my heart completely skipped a beat when she told me that she had found this blog of mine through a link that I had put on this video I made for a school project last semester. When I made the video, I had no idea that there were other women out there who had created sites for the sole purpose of being there for women with husbands with porn addictions, I just knew that if anyone found that video it could be because they were struggling too, and needed to reach out. I just wanted them to know that they weren't alone, so I posted a link to my blog at the end of it.

The funny thing is that the feeling that I felt when I read that she had found it (after shock), was relief. I felt absolute relief knowing that someone that I was close to knew that vulnerability in me. I have put a front up for absolutely everyone besides my husband. My mom, sisters, other friends, they may know that somethings going on, but I haven't told them just how deep my hurt and shame have been because of it. I was afraid of being rejected by someone who hasn't gone through my same struggle. My SIL hasn't gone through it, but she was nothing but nonjudgemental and christlike about it, and I am eternally grateful.

So, the lesson I have learned is this: while I am not ready to become fully public about this, I am planning on being able to share my story and help women who struggle with this problem. Something that I CAN do right now to work towards this goal is to be okay with being vulnerable. Vulnerability is the key to connection.

Why it's been so long

As I am writing this, I feel like I'm getting a breath of fresh air.

I've missed this blog of mine.

So here I am, doing a hard thing and letting the world know why I have been absent these last three weeks.

I had a really hard time after my husband's last slip. He was able to get a lot of help and had a lot of realizations. He was back in recovery lickity split and apologized to me profusely. After a little while, I started feeling a lot of pressure from him to be forgive and move on. For three weeks straight. And by the end of it, I was asking myself: "What is wrong with me?" "Why can't I get over this?" 

Three days ago, I asked myself again "Why am I having such a hard time? How has this REALLY affected me? What's the big deal?" And then I realized exactly how this addiction has affected me.

And here it goes. When we first got married and were living in different town, I felt like true newlyweds. "The honeymoon was never over" if you get my drift. I hadn't been in a sexual relationship as I had decided to save myself for my husband. We were like most couples who are newlyweds, but after a while, I started missing my sleep. I'd say that I just wanted to sleep, but I kept getting pressured, despite him saying I respect you, but the pressure just kept coming, so eventually I would give in to his desires just so I could get some sleep. Because I had chosen to save myself for marriage, I didn't have anything to compare my experiences to. I thought certain behaviors were normal, and didn't know what was right and wrong in regards to sex. All of this is up to personal boundaries, but I was never taught that in my home.

While we were in our first few months of our marriage, I noticed something strange. Well, I didn't consciously notice it, but my behavior changed because of it. My husband had started ignoring me- unless he was hungry or wanted sex. Maybe ignoring is the wrong word. He was looking right past me. I felt like a ghost when I was around him. 

I tried to get his attention many times in many ways, for instance, baking pies, leaving notes, cleaning the house, scavenger hunts, surprise dates, but he always seemed annoyed or grouchy about the things I would do for him, and always expected more at the end of it. Eventually, I gave up, and resorted to other tactics- I would just threaten to leave. We got in many terrible fights, and always at the end of them, I would say that I was leaving him, and then storm out the door, sometimes making it to the car, and sometimes around the block before I would turn around again, and come back, afraid that he was looking at porn. A few times I came back, and he confessed that he had been.

While we were dating, we were very social, and until the isolation started kicking in, we would have many people coming through our apartment to say hi, and usually they commented on how nice our apartment was. It had vaulted ceilings, walk in closet, state-of-the-art kitchen, the works, way more than a newlywed couple needs. Every time someone commented on how nice it was, I cringed. I didn't know why at the time, but now I do. I hated the front that we had put on- that everything was fine- because everything was not fine, and I was in hell. I started fights with him trying to get him LOOK at me again. Fights started escalating, to the point where one time he pushed me up against the washer and dryer. I was scared, and knowing the physical power he had over me, I knew that things were headed downhill.  I found porn on his devices, and on his covenant eyes reports many times. Every time, I confronted him and asked why our marriage wasn't enough for him to just STOP looking at other women... this obviously activated his shame, and started more terrible fights. Afterwords, I would cave to his desires, which I knew would make him be nice to me again. I hate that apartment. That apartment and it's memories represents my personal hell.

After a while, I couldn't take it anymore, and decided that I wanted to go to school at the school I was going to before we got married. We drove up and visited, trying to see if it were a possibility after a bad semester for me up there, and I broke down in tears when i found out I had to wait a few months to move. After crying in his living room, I remember my father-in-law telling me that sometimes Heavenly Father keeps us where we are supposed to be for a reason. I remember thinking "What kind of Heavenly Father would want me to live in the hell I was living?"After about 7 months of living in our previous apartment, we moved back to the school, about 2 hours away. It wasn't until this week that I realized why I wanted to move so badly. Nobody really understood why I wanted to move. My family was close, I had just gotten promoted at my job and LOVED working there, great apartment, My husband was at his dream school... all I knew was that I had to get out of there.

When we moved, we treated it like a new start. We decided to actually start going to church again (we hadn't gone much in our previous apartment, mostly because of the shame we were both feeling). And once we got here, I we got into an apartment that would not have been open had we moved right when I wanted to. Because we got into this new apartment, we were able to meet a very special Bishop that helped turn our lives around. We started attending 12-step group, which was helpful, but after 6 months of minimal improvement, he referred and helped us financially see our therapist in the life star program. 

Well, When I attended 12-step group, I had listened to the women around me tell about how badly this was affecting them, and I tried to connect with their stories personally, but I didn't feel like I related really. I would cry for their obvious pain, and grieve with them, but I felt that I was there to get my husband to come. I wasn't there for my personal pain, I was mostly there just to vent and to make sure my husband came. I told my story, but I didn't really understand why I felt hurt every time my husband confessed to masterbating or looking at porn. I thought I was hurt because he didn't love me or our future son enough to stop.

I didn't realize just what the addict mindset can cause a husband to do to his wife. I didn't see how much like a robot I was acting, and how big of a wall I had put up. I really did feel like the only way that I could get my husband's attention when he was looking through me was to "put out." And during that brief time, he actually looked at me, and told me I was somebody. Any other time, he was there but he wasn't really there. He was somewhere else. So I continued to put my self respect on the line, hoping to be built up by the one person who was supposed to be guaranteed to build me up, only to have him escape from me immediately after again. I was pushed away, told not to cuddle, told to "lighten up" about things that made me uncomfortable, and was told that all these things were normal in marriages.

I didn't know any better. It's not until I realized that people with healthy mindsets set firm boundaries around their values, even in marriages, that I started to comprehend that this wasn't normal. And it wasn't until I started to set firm boundaries around my values that I started to realize how far I had slipped into co-dependent behavior. And it wasn't until I started letting him into my heart again that I realized exactly how I was hurt, and how bad it was.

And now that I know, I can start to work on my TRUE recovery.

Because now that I know what I'm recovering from (and I'm sure I'll uncover more trash as I go along), I can address it face on rather than running away from it and feeling confused about the pain I am feeling. 

Join me in my journey

Seriously?

*Note: this may be a triggering post.*

I should have seen the signs- in fact, I did see the signs, and they stressed me out...

but I didn't know WHAT was stressing me out.

I thought it was the fact school was starting yesterday

and it was my first semester back to physical classes after 1 1/2 years,

Or that my baby is teething like mad,

Or that my house was a mess,

Or that I'm not organized like I want to be, 

Or that I really just wanted to be putting new upholstery on some yard sale chairs I got

Or a million other projects I have on the back burner...

But what was REALLY stressing me out was the fact that I was watching my husband slowly breaking his bottom lines

Starting with sitting just out of the way for me to see his screen

To going through his spam emails to "unsubscribe"

for two days straight.

Not normal.

It was his checkins at night- he "could still work on his spirituality each day"

that he "was struggling"

or "having a rough time"

Each time that was it, and I didn't see any improvements...

no efforts to change anything

It's like he KNEW it was coming, and was okay with it

And he did it, he slipped DESPITE the fact that it would hurt me so bad.

And to make matters worse, he waited to tell me.

He waited until I was driving him to group not an hour ago to drop the dang bomb.

No warning, just

"Ashley, I messed up today." (yep. thats my name.) The end. Nothing else.

I don't know how bad, or how long, or if our son was in the room,

or what. All I know is that I was at work for six hours, and that during that time he messed up.

He has the bottom line of not being on the computer if I'm not home.

And then some people at group started to "bookend" with him

And suddenly, it became okay for him to be at home alone with the open laptop.

Because he was "bookending"... or not. I don't know.

All I know is that I am pissed.

And I'm allowed to be. However, I also have the right to keep myself protected.

I have the right to detach from his addiction. And I will. I am working on not letting myself get caught up in his failures and progress. I am sure he wants me to be happy because this is the longest he has ever gone since the addiction started. I am not happy, nor do I have to be happy about it. He had a slip, it hurt, and now I have to lick my wounds, and allow them to heal.

No matter how many times I WISH it was the last time he confesses that he had another slip, I have no control over that. I do have control over what I can do to safeguard, protect, shield, fortify and look after Teddy and I's needs, and if something doesn't change, I am sensing something drastic in the air. For my own peace of mind.

I am working to stay close to my heavenly father so that I can be guided to who I need talk to, what I need to do, and let him mold me into the person he knows I can be. That way, when/if the time comes that I am guided to maybe do something drastic, I will feel at peace about my decision, no matter how hard it may be.

Here's the situation

I learned recently that Triggers don't have to be a sensory experience- they can be situational too. I didn't really understand exactly how that worked until I went to the pool with my little boy on Saturday. At first, I thought I would be anxious because of all the bikini teens hanging out wanting to impress the  tweeny bopper boys. But I wasn't. I've been trying to figure out why, and I think it's because my husband wasn't there with us. So, it seems, in my case, I usually only get triggered when I am around both a visual stimulus (billboards/beach babes/runners) when my husband is around- if he's not, I don't even seem to notice them- kind of like when I was single and didn't know him yet or know really anything about sexual addiction.

I realized that I am VERY hypersensitive whenever he is around- always watching who/what is around to trigger him, and then I become a hovercraft, just waiting to see him look twice. Like I did here.

SOOO, I am here writing on my blog, and adding a new bottom line- cue the fanfare. So here is my new bottom line and bill of right to go with it:

I have the right to be around my husband in public without being afraid of getting hurt.

If I am out in public with my husband, and start to feel myself obsessing about who/what could be around to trigger him, I will remove myself from the situation, and call a group member. Then, once we get home, I will do 1 item from my self care list, so that I can re-fill my emotional bucket.

Now, that wasn't so hard! Well... writing it wasn't so hard, I am going to work extra hard this week to implement it, and I will report my progress back to this little blog of mine. 

Baffled

So, the last few days, I have been feeling really really overwhelmed. J seems to have had an epiphany about how this addiction has affected our relationship, and our family, and he has vowed to put me first above all of his other priorities (besides the gospel). He has been... how should I put it?... nice, very nice, and sincere, and lovey-dovey. And I am not used to it. I had been soaking it up for a day and a half, when last night, it was just too much for me! Before, he had gone on little sprees of being nice, but they lasted 12 hours max. And here it was, 48 hours later, and he was telling me that he was going to be treating me like a queen from there on out. He said everything right, and kissed the bottom of my toe when I was sitting on the ground, not expecting it. 

I don't know what happened, but internally, I exploded. I didn't know what to think/feel/do/say- I needed some space. I was feeling smothered, and over-loved, and I was bamboozled. Mind blown. (maybe it comes across in my writing, but I am still trying to wrap my brain around what is going on.) Is this recovery? He seems so sincere- he's reading his scriptures, talking about therapy and recovery all the time, talks about practicing mindfulness, boundaries, implementing family prayers and scriptures, and couple prayers... WHAT is going on? I know that i should be grateful and happy and thankful, and to some extent I do, but the overall feeling that I am feeling about the whole situation could be classified (as near as I can put into words) as Frustration/Confusion/Perhaps a little bit of anger. Animosity. 

I guess this is where my recovery comes in, but I didn't realize that I needed to do extra self care, and be extra diligent about my dailies when my husband shows promising signs of recovery, and a huge leap in respect towards me. I thought I could take a break when that happened- not work as hard. I guess the intensity of it makes me throw my walls up even higher, because now that I have experienced what it could be like without the addiction in our marriage, I am afraid of going back. It has only been a month or so since the last slip, but I feel like so much time has passed, and so much progress has been made- I don't want to go back to that despair I felt when he told me about that last slip a month ago- especially after seeing how sweet and thoughtful of a husband I really have underneath the cloudiness of the addict.

I have decided not to force it, and to let my self naturally start to accept that this is my new life (hopefully?). I have decided to let J prove that he is changing. I have decided to watch and see what happens, and be okay with my life the way it plays out. I have decided to continue to fill my personal bucket with extra scripture study, prayers, and self care, so that during this emotionally draining times, I will not be in want of strength. I have decided to accept the caring actions and words from my husband, and to let myself believe that I am worthy of having a good husband. 

It's going to hard. It's good for him to be feeling giddy and in love with me- that's how it's supposed to be, I mean look at Elder Holland, he said in this conference talk about him and Sister Holland: 

"True love we are absolutely giddy about—as I am about Sister Holland; we shout it from the housetops."

They're living the dream. I want to get to that point too, because that's true love. I'm not there yet, because I have been injured, and I need time and work to heal, but I have faith that I can once again feel this way about my husband.

Triggered.

Man, it's so hard to want to write when you are feeling triggered. But I realized that it's better to write, because it doesn't allow those emotions to bottle up.

We met up with my husband at the lake yesterday. As we pulled up to the lake, I saw a bunch of young peeps playing soccer- all of the girls wearing bikinis. ugh. Instantly triggered. I didn't say anything until I we got to the chairs, pretty close to where they were playing. I saw my husband do a double take and stare a little longer the second time, and I went from being triggered to wanting control. I snapped my fingers at him, and told him that I wanted his attention, and that I was feeling triggered. He went into victim mode, and told me that he would just go to the car and look at the ground the whole time (manipulation/ victim mode). I said fine, and away he went. Later I apologized for snapping, but I didn't apologize for voicing my emotions, I am really glad that I did. 

I am also really glad that I am able to have a therapist that I can talk out situations like this for, and a husband that (once removed from the situation and a little down the road) I can talk to about how we can both improve.

We decided that next time, I am going to voice my emotions, and then reach out. Then, if I feel like he is still looking or dwelling or fantasizing, I am just going to leave. Distance myself from him. He then said that if he notices me distancing myself, he will analyze and come and reconnect with me- sounds like a good plan! I really hope it works out :)

I found a scripture I really liked- Ezekiel 18 31-32. In it, he talks about making a new heart and a new spirit- I like that, because I really feel like I am building a new heart and a new spirit through my healing. 

Observations

I feel like my whole life revolves around pornography and sexual addiction. I'm glad, because I think the Lord is blessing me to learn from other people's stories, and to gain new perspectives. However, sometimes it's nice just to have a place where you can escape it for a little while, and that's just what my work is for me. I love being able to get away and detach for a bit.

However, about a month ago, I discovered a magazine with a page with pornographic material that had a bookmark put into it. I knew exactly who had been looking at it, and kind of took to watching him, just to see it from an outsiders perspective looking in- and I gained some pretty interesting insights: He never looks me or any woman in the eye really, if he does, it's really quick like REALLY quick. Also, I have had multiple conversations about my husband's career/scholastic goals, along with his scholastic/career goals, and he doesn't "think too much" about the future. He also has never asked about mine- even though I've been dying to tell him that I want to help women who's husbands suffer from a sexual addiction. I want to see his reaction... anyway, that's a different topic.

Today, I learned that he his married! I had no idea, and wowza, that brought up a whole new bout of emotions. I wanted to give him my phone number to give to her so she could call me whenever she needed me. SO BAD. I really had to suppress that one- because what would I say- "hey, I know you were looking at porn, and if this is a habit, could you please give your wife my phone number?" nope. couldn't do that. I really really wanted to reach out to her for whatever reason, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Also, it really bothered me that he didn't wear his ring to work- like ever. I've worked there for a year, and have never known that he was married, and he had been married the whole time! I don't know his story, but It's been an interesting experience.

Been doing good on dailies and boundaries, pretty proud of myself! I'm off to play with my baby! Much love!

Thoughts on Faith

I went to group last night, and it was pretty great for me. The cute ladies there are so good. They are all struggling, but it's so therapeutic to be there for other people- maybe especially for women. By listening to other people's stories, it's amazing to realize that I am helping shoulder a huge burden for them, but it doesn't really add to my burden, in fact, it lightens it. Crazy how that works. 

When I think back to how scared I was when I first thought about going to a group, and having other people know about this, I am so grateful for how far I have come. There is no way that I could have shouldered this burden alone and grown as much as I have. I did it for a year, and I got nowhere. I thought I was moving forward, but really I was letting emotional pressure build up... and I would have exploded. Literally. And no one would have seen it coming- probably not even me, because I thought I was doing fine. 

I hope one day these amazing, strong ladies will realize how much they have helped me just by being there. I hope one day you, dear reader, will realize how you coming to my page motivates me to continue to express myself on my blog. It's only been a few months, but this has helped me accelerate my recovery. It's been amazing. 

Today, I chose to focus on Faith as I go through the Young Women values in the personal progress section. I chose to do a personalized value experience today.

I read the talk "This, The Greatest of Dispensations" by Jeffery R. Holland. It's an amazing talk for anyone going through struggles like ours. He talks about all of the scary things in the world, and how sometimes it feels like we can't escape all of the terrible things in the world, He talks about living through faith instead of fear. 

My personal fear is that even if/when my husband overcomes his addiction and we move a little bit down the road, he will be triggered by everyday things around him- billboards, signs, flyers, coupons, you name it and fall into another full on relapse. But I realize that that's why we are in counseling right now- He is obtaining the skills to re-route any thoughts that may come into his mind into something good. I have faith that with these skills and a loving Heavenly Father guiding us through this process, as long as we stay close to him, we will be okay- no, we will be more than okay, because we will be on the path that Heavenly Father wants us to be on.

Also, I realize that even if that happens, I can live in faith and not be traumatized again by my fears. 

Here is my favorite part of the talk (it really applied to my situation):

"Have Faith, Not Fear

I have just two things to say to you who are troubled about the future. I say them lovingly and from my heart.

First, we must never let fear and the father of fear (Satan himself) divert us from our faith and faithful living. Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need.

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—that is the first principle of the gospel. We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities.

God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe."

- Jeffery R. Holland

It's me again! The part that really got me is where he talks about the future. It's so hard for me to actually look to the future, because if I'm being 100% honest with myself, I don't know exactly where I'm going to be. But something that I realized while reading that little paragraph is that even if I don't know where I'm going to be, I know that if I live in faith and stay out of fear, I will be exactly where my Father in Heaven wants me to be... which is the goal anyway, right? I just need to take that step into the dark, which means not limiting myself. I need to keep on writing my thesis (even though I really don't want to sometimes) and getting good grades (obviously I'm a student), so I can get into grad school. I need to focus on being in the moment and having healthy ways of thinking and stop pushing off thoughts of the future to "whatever happens, happens" kind of thinking. That's what gets me into trouble, thats where I hurt myself. I need to invest in the future- right now that is how I live in faith, and not in fear. Because

"God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer my prayers and fulfill my dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if I don’t pray, and He can’t if I don’t dream. In short, He can’t if I don’t believe."

I'm gonna work on that, Jeffery.

I am a child of God.

I think one of the things that it is so easy to lose track of is the fact that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me. Sometimes I forget that the whole reason why I am here is because I want to be just like him when I "grow up." I forget that I am here so that I may become like him (and my heavenly mother), and I can. I am a Goddess in Training. Right now, training sucks. There's no way around that fact, though, and this is the obstacle that I need to overcome in order to help me become the best I can. 

I caught J browsing around on my phone, which doesn't have a lock on it and hasn't been a problem up until now. I can't even begin to tell you how violating that felt- I don't know why, but I guess it was just the fact that he was using my phone to get his fix. Before that, he had spent a lot of time explaining to me that he never lusted after me or my body. I guess he got kind of hung up on the bottom line that I set. So, finally, he convinced me that I was his "quirky, cute, fun, beautiful wife... and that he just laughs when I think I'm being sexy," (because lets be honest, we both know that it's totally awkward, and I am 100% totally okay with that) Anyway, after he finally convinced me that I was in no danger in being lusted after, he proceeds to go and use my phone to find someone to lust after. Man! Talk about making a girl feel like she's not enough.

And so I go to my knees for the millionth time, and I ask God what I am supposed to learn from all of this heartbreak, and you know what he tells me? That I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love him. That I promised that I will stand as a witness for him at all times, and in all things, and in all places, as I strive to live certain values which are Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, and Integrity. He reminds me that I BELIEVE that as I come to accept and live these values that I will BE PREPARED to strengthen my broken home and family, to keep the sacred covenants I made in the temple and finally I will be prepared to ENJOY the blessing of exaltation. 

Que the water works.

Just in case you didn't know, that was the young women theme, slightly modified to fit where I am personally in life- and it STILL applies! This dang addiction/ co-dependancy wants me to forget one or more of the values that I believe in and strive to live daily. I think that it is very fitting that there are two very similar values listed: Divine Nature and Individual Worth- Two qualities that go hand in hand and that women everywhere forget on almost a daily basis. 

So, Fellow Goddesses in Training... I am going to tell you what I am going to do (Get ready, it's big): I am going to work my personal progress book again! I need it, and that's what it is there for, I mean it's right there on my phone waiting for me to realize that I am in desperate need of some hardcore training! Think about it, It was designed for women who are going through a rough time in their lives (no one can say that the teenage years were easy) so that they can come out on top! So I'm going to be doing them as part of my dailies/self-care and report back to you how it is going! Hey, and feel free to join me, and let me know how it's going! I would love to hear! :) I pray for you (both wives and addicts) every day and every night.

P.S. You probably noticed that I changed my page a bit. I didn't like the title "memoirs of the noble... I don't feel noble yet, and felt hypocritical every time I read it. I chose Memoirs of a Goddess in Training to remind me of life's purpose, and to remind me that life is but a short moment, just like training usually is, but that if you endure to the end, you always come out on top. I chose Goddess as the type of training because it reminds me of my divine potential. Mmm Mmm, I love this blog! I always leave feeling so much better than when I came :)

Revised Boundaries/ Self Care List

So something that I didn't say in my last post was that I hadn't actually shared my boundaries list with my husband yet. I finally did just before posting it on here. After sharing them with him, He asked some questions that made me realize that they were really vague. There were a lot of loop holes. Obviously, Taking sex off of the table was hard for him to have in 4 of the twelve. I didn't feel bad about it. But the vagueness made me take a look at it a different way, and I have made what I feel to be a very solid boundary list for myself, with consequences laid out clearly- no room for interpretation or talking my way out of them. 

REVISED BOUNDARIES: 

I have the right to live with a husband in active recovery.

If J ever quits trying, I will take my marriage under consideration- whether a live-out separation is necessary for My son and I’s safety.

I have a right to not be controlled or manipulated.

Controlled

If I find myself being controlled, I will take 2 nights of sleeping alone in our bed, and stand up for myself.

Manipulated

If I find myself being manipulated, I will stop the conversation and only talk about that subject again in the presence of our therapist.

I have the right to honesty.

If I catch J lying or minimizing about the addiction, I will ask him to sleep on the couch. Sexual contact will be taken off of the table until I gain enough trust back to feel safe.

I have the right to feel like my sex-life is connection driven not lust driven.

If I feel lust in sexual relations, I will stop them and honestly discuss my emotions.

If I feel pressure from J or myself, or if I feel objectified, sexual contact will be taken off of the table until an emotional connection has been established again.

I have the right not to be scared of my husband’s rejection or temper.

If I feel scared, I will remove myself from the situation, pray earnestly, and do 1 self care activity

In the case of quick flare ups, I will ask J to leave. If he refuses, I will leave.

I have the right to say what comes into my home

If it offends the spirit, I will turn it off.

I have the right to detach from my husband’s addiction

If I find myself invested (snooping/investing/planning/defining his needs) I will physically and mentally detach and complete 2 things on my self care list.

I have the right to be equal with my husband.

If he parents me- I will end the conversation and walk away

If I find myself parenting him- I will detach from the situation

So there you go. Everything is basically the same, I just defined things more clearly, and consolidated a few of them . It works much better for me, and I am feeling confident in enforcing them now :)

I really was excited to see my first comment on my last post!! So, per request, here is my self care list:

Self Care/ Dailies:

Dailies: Things I do everyday to keep me strong- I find time to make them happen Every Day.

Read my scriptures

Say an earnest prayer twice a day (at least)

Blog. Either on here on my public one or both

Play outside with my son

Have a conversation with someone

Two items from my self-care list

Self Care List: Things that strengthen me when I need an extra boost. They increase my confidence, self-esteem, faith, and courage

Sew

Crochet

Run

Write a letter (usually they write back, so much fun to get mail outside of the usual bills)

Ride my bike

Cook an Outstanding meal

Shop (I have to put a budget for this one, or I would overdo it)

Anonymous Acts of service (a personal fave)

Pedicure

Paint my nails

Take a nap

Alone time in the park (I usually take my scriptures with me)

Read a chapter in a biography (I always have one going about someone who I admire)

Have a fun get-together with friends

Read a conference talk

Read

So there's my list! I am always adding to it! Question, How many of you have husbands who know about your blog/ do you let them read it if you do? I'm curious. J (my hubby) knows and encourages it, but I don't know about letting him read it.

Bill of Rights/ My Boundaries Associated With Them

I have been working on these for a while, and they are always changing as I figure out what I need to add or what I really will do/ won't do. These are seeming pretty solid right now, so I thought I would share- I think having them on my blog will help solidify them in my life. What are your boundaries?

I have the right to live with a husband in active recovery.

If my husband’s genuine recovery efforts stagnate or stop,

Then I will take a break from the marriage.

I have a right to uncompromising honesty in my relationship.

If I ever uncover a lie (withheld truth or half-truth of minimization)

Then I will put myself in a safe place which will require a degree of live-in separation until I feel secure enough to share a bed again. [A live-in separation means separate beds- No sexual intimacy during this time and no seeing each other naked. In extreme circumstances this may mean separate activities/ eating times] The degree of space will depend on the severity of the dishonesty.  During the time when I have my space, I will work on my own self-healing through extra self-care activities.

If my husband comes to me with a confession of dishonesty,

Then I will enforce the previously stated boundary if I still feel any lack of safety.

I have the right to detach from my husband’s addiction.

If I find myself at all invested in my husband’s recovery efforts (monitoring/policing him, seeking out materials for him or defining his needs),

Then I will immediately remove myself and create a physical space between my husband and myself during which time I will select an item from my self-care list and will do it.  **Rare exceptions applies to this boundary when I feel the Spirit prompt me to behave otherwise.**

I have the right to not live in fear of my husband –his temper or his rejection.

If I feel these specific fears,

Then I will honestly voice them to my husband, my Savior, and someone in my support circle.  In the case of quick and brutal temper, I will ask my husband to leave.  

If he does not leave,

Then I will take Teddy and leave.

I have the right to a sex life that is connection-driven and not lust-driven.

If I feel lust in our sexual relations,

Then I will halt any activity going on and honestly discuss my emotions with my husband.  I will not engage in any intimate activities without prior emotional connection.  I will honor my gut feelings and my emotions in this area.

If I feel pressure of any kind related to sex (whether from my husband or from myself),

Then I will take sex off the table.

I have a right to not be controlled.

If I ever become aware that I am being controlled,

Then I will honestly voice my awareness and make a stand to choose for myself.  

If that choice is disrespected,

Then I will honestly voice my awareness and take the space of two nights (at least) to sleep alone during which time I will reconnect with my inner sense of self in order to strengthen my confidence. I will also pick one extra self care exercise to do a day for the next two days.

I have the right to not be manipulated.

If I become aware that my husband is manipulating me,

Then I will honestly voice my feelings and continue the discussion only in the presence of a third party educated in sexual addiction where I feel safe.

I have the right to not be objectified.

If ever I feel I am being used as an object to satisfy my husband’s addiction,

Then I will create physical space between him and me.  Sex will be taken off the table and I will prayerfully decide when to reinstate it.

I have a right to be equal with my Husband.

If my husband takes on a parenting roll with me,

Then I will physically and emotionally detach from the situation either by excusing myself and ending the conversation.  

If my husband takes a child roll with me,

Then I will walk away from the situation and leave him alone to handle it.

I have the right to feel love for more than just my body.

If I ever feel my body is the main source of attraction,

Then I will take sex off the table.

If I ever feel pressure as concerns my body from my husband or anyone else,

Then I will excuse myself from the situation and turn the Lord in prayer and immediately thereafter choose two items from my self-care list to do.

I have a right to have a say as to what comes into my home.

If there is media in my home that offends the spirit,

Then I will turn it off.