Bill of Rights/ My Boundaries Associated With Them

I have been working on these for a while, and they are always changing as I figure out what I need to add or what I really will do/ won't do. These are seeming pretty solid right now, so I thought I would share- I think having them on my blog will help solidify them in my life. What are your boundaries?

I have the right to live with a husband in active recovery.

If my husband’s genuine recovery efforts stagnate or stop,

Then I will take a break from the marriage.

I have a right to uncompromising honesty in my relationship.

If I ever uncover a lie (withheld truth or half-truth of minimization)

Then I will put myself in a safe place which will require a degree of live-in separation until I feel secure enough to share a bed again. [A live-in separation means separate beds- No sexual intimacy during this time and no seeing each other naked. In extreme circumstances this may mean separate activities/ eating times] The degree of space will depend on the severity of the dishonesty.  During the time when I have my space, I will work on my own self-healing through extra self-care activities.

If my husband comes to me with a confession of dishonesty,

Then I will enforce the previously stated boundary if I still feel any lack of safety.

I have the right to detach from my husband’s addiction.

If I find myself at all invested in my husband’s recovery efforts (monitoring/policing him, seeking out materials for him or defining his needs),

Then I will immediately remove myself and create a physical space between my husband and myself during which time I will select an item from my self-care list and will do it.  **Rare exceptions applies to this boundary when I feel the Spirit prompt me to behave otherwise.**

I have the right to not live in fear of my husband –his temper or his rejection.

If I feel these specific fears,

Then I will honestly voice them to my husband, my Savior, and someone in my support circle.  In the case of quick and brutal temper, I will ask my husband to leave.  

If he does not leave,

Then I will take Teddy and leave.

I have the right to a sex life that is connection-driven and not lust-driven.

If I feel lust in our sexual relations,

Then I will halt any activity going on and honestly discuss my emotions with my husband.  I will not engage in any intimate activities without prior emotional connection.  I will honor my gut feelings and my emotions in this area.

If I feel pressure of any kind related to sex (whether from my husband or from myself),

Then I will take sex off the table.

I have a right to not be controlled.

If I ever become aware that I am being controlled,

Then I will honestly voice my awareness and make a stand to choose for myself.  

If that choice is disrespected,

Then I will honestly voice my awareness and take the space of two nights (at least) to sleep alone during which time I will reconnect with my inner sense of self in order to strengthen my confidence. I will also pick one extra self care exercise to do a day for the next two days.

I have the right to not be manipulated.

If I become aware that my husband is manipulating me,

Then I will honestly voice my feelings and continue the discussion only in the presence of a third party educated in sexual addiction where I feel safe.

I have the right to not be objectified.

If ever I feel I am being used as an object to satisfy my husband’s addiction,

Then I will create physical space between him and me.  Sex will be taken off the table and I will prayerfully decide when to reinstate it.

I have a right to be equal with my Husband.

If my husband takes on a parenting roll with me,

Then I will physically and emotionally detach from the situation either by excusing myself and ending the conversation.  

If my husband takes a child roll with me,

Then I will walk away from the situation and leave him alone to handle it.

I have the right to feel love for more than just my body.

If I ever feel my body is the main source of attraction,

Then I will take sex off the table.

If I ever feel pressure as concerns my body from my husband or anyone else,

Then I will excuse myself from the situation and turn the Lord in prayer and immediately thereafter choose two items from my self-care list to do.

I have a right to have a say as to what comes into my home.

If there is media in my home that offends the spirit,

Then I will turn it off.