Revised Boundaries/ Self Care List

So something that I didn't say in my last post was that I hadn't actually shared my boundaries list with my husband yet. I finally did just before posting it on here. After sharing them with him, He asked some questions that made me realize that they were really vague. There were a lot of loop holes. Obviously, Taking sex off of the table was hard for him to have in 4 of the twelve. I didn't feel bad about it. But the vagueness made me take a look at it a different way, and I have made what I feel to be a very solid boundary list for myself, with consequences laid out clearly- no room for interpretation or talking my way out of them. 

REVISED BOUNDARIES: 

I have the right to live with a husband in active recovery.

If J ever quits trying, I will take my marriage under consideration- whether a live-out separation is necessary for My son and I’s safety.

I have a right to not be controlled or manipulated.

Controlled

If I find myself being controlled, I will take 2 nights of sleeping alone in our bed, and stand up for myself.

Manipulated

If I find myself being manipulated, I will stop the conversation and only talk about that subject again in the presence of our therapist.

I have the right to honesty.

If I catch J lying or minimizing about the addiction, I will ask him to sleep on the couch. Sexual contact will be taken off of the table until I gain enough trust back to feel safe.

I have the right to feel like my sex-life is connection driven not lust driven.

If I feel lust in sexual relations, I will stop them and honestly discuss my emotions.

If I feel pressure from J or myself, or if I feel objectified, sexual contact will be taken off of the table until an emotional connection has been established again.

I have the right not to be scared of my husband’s rejection or temper.

If I feel scared, I will remove myself from the situation, pray earnestly, and do 1 self care activity

In the case of quick flare ups, I will ask J to leave. If he refuses, I will leave.

I have the right to say what comes into my home

If it offends the spirit, I will turn it off.

I have the right to detach from my husband’s addiction

If I find myself invested (snooping/investing/planning/defining his needs) I will physically and mentally detach and complete 2 things on my self care list.

I have the right to be equal with my husband.

If he parents me- I will end the conversation and walk away

If I find myself parenting him- I will detach from the situation

So there you go. Everything is basically the same, I just defined things more clearly, and consolidated a few of them . It works much better for me, and I am feeling confident in enforcing them now :)

I really was excited to see my first comment on my last post!! So, per request, here is my self care list:

Self Care/ Dailies:

Dailies: Things I do everyday to keep me strong- I find time to make them happen Every Day.

Read my scriptures

Say an earnest prayer twice a day (at least)

Blog. Either on here on my public one or both

Play outside with my son

Have a conversation with someone

Two items from my self-care list

Self Care List: Things that strengthen me when I need an extra boost. They increase my confidence, self-esteem, faith, and courage

Sew

Crochet

Run

Write a letter (usually they write back, so much fun to get mail outside of the usual bills)

Ride my bike

Cook an Outstanding meal

Shop (I have to put a budget for this one, or I would overdo it)

Anonymous Acts of service (a personal fave)

Pedicure

Paint my nails

Take a nap

Alone time in the park (I usually take my scriptures with me)

Read a chapter in a biography (I always have one going about someone who I admire)

Have a fun get-together with friends

Read a conference talk

Read

So there's my list! I am always adding to it! Question, How many of you have husbands who know about your blog/ do you let them read it if you do? I'm curious. J (my hubby) knows and encourages it, but I don't know about letting him read it.