Seriously?

*Note: this may be a triggering post.*

I should have seen the signs- in fact, I did see the signs, and they stressed me out...

but I didn't know WHAT was stressing me out.

I thought it was the fact school was starting yesterday

and it was my first semester back to physical classes after 1 1/2 years,

Or that my baby is teething like mad,

Or that my house was a mess,

Or that I'm not organized like I want to be, 

Or that I really just wanted to be putting new upholstery on some yard sale chairs I got

Or a million other projects I have on the back burner...

But what was REALLY stressing me out was the fact that I was watching my husband slowly breaking his bottom lines

Starting with sitting just out of the way for me to see his screen

To going through his spam emails to "unsubscribe"

for two days straight.

Not normal.

It was his checkins at night- he "could still work on his spirituality each day"

that he "was struggling"

or "having a rough time"

Each time that was it, and I didn't see any improvements...

no efforts to change anything

It's like he KNEW it was coming, and was okay with it

And he did it, he slipped DESPITE the fact that it would hurt me so bad.

And to make matters worse, he waited to tell me.

He waited until I was driving him to group not an hour ago to drop the dang bomb.

No warning, just

"Ashley, I messed up today." (yep. thats my name.) The end. Nothing else.

I don't know how bad, or how long, or if our son was in the room,

or what. All I know is that I was at work for six hours, and that during that time he messed up.

He has the bottom line of not being on the computer if I'm not home.

And then some people at group started to "bookend" with him

And suddenly, it became okay for him to be at home alone with the open laptop.

Because he was "bookending"... or not. I don't know.

All I know is that I am pissed.

And I'm allowed to be. However, I also have the right to keep myself protected.

I have the right to detach from his addiction. And I will. I am working on not letting myself get caught up in his failures and progress. I am sure he wants me to be happy because this is the longest he has ever gone since the addiction started. I am not happy, nor do I have to be happy about it. He had a slip, it hurt, and now I have to lick my wounds, and allow them to heal.

No matter how many times I WISH it was the last time he confesses that he had another slip, I have no control over that. I do have control over what I can do to safeguard, protect, shield, fortify and look after Teddy and I's needs, and if something doesn't change, I am sensing something drastic in the air. For my own peace of mind.

I am working to stay close to my heavenly father so that I can be guided to who I need talk to, what I need to do, and let him mold me into the person he knows I can be. That way, when/if the time comes that I am guided to maybe do something drastic, I will feel at peace about my decision, no matter how hard it may be.