So, the last few days, I have been feeling really really overwhelmed. J seems to have had an epiphany about how this addiction has affected our relationship, and our family, and he has vowed to put me first above all of his other priorities (besides the gospel). He has been... how should I put it?... nice, very nice, and sincere, and lovey-dovey. And I am not used to it. I had been soaking it up for a day and a half, when last night, it was just too much for me! Before, he had gone on little sprees of being nice, but they lasted 12 hours max. And here it was, 48 hours later, and he was telling me that he was going to be treating me like a queen from there on out. He said everything right, and kissed the bottom of my toe when I was sitting on the ground, not expecting it.
I don't know what happened, but internally, I exploded. I didn't know what to think/feel/do/say- I needed some space. I was feeling smothered, and over-loved, and I was bamboozled. Mind blown. (maybe it comes across in my writing, but I am still trying to wrap my brain around what is going on.) Is this recovery? He seems so sincere- he's reading his scriptures, talking about therapy and recovery all the time, talks about practicing mindfulness, boundaries, implementing family prayers and scriptures, and couple prayers... WHAT is going on? I know that i should be grateful and happy and thankful, and to some extent I do, but the overall feeling that I am feeling about the whole situation could be classified (as near as I can put into words) as Frustration/Confusion/Perhaps a little bit of anger. Animosity.
I guess this is where my recovery comes in, but I didn't realize that I needed to do extra self care, and be extra diligent about my dailies when my husband shows promising signs of recovery, and a huge leap in respect towards me. I thought I could take a break when that happened- not work as hard. I guess the intensity of it makes me throw my walls up even higher, because now that I have experienced what it could be like without the addiction in our marriage, I am afraid of going back. It has only been a month or so since the last slip, but I feel like so much time has passed, and so much progress has been made- I don't want to go back to that despair I felt when he told me about that last slip a month ago- especially after seeing how sweet and thoughtful of a husband I really have underneath the cloudiness of the addict.
I have decided not to force it, and to let my self naturally start to accept that this is my new life (hopefully?). I have decided to let J prove that he is changing. I have decided to watch and see what happens, and be okay with my life the way it plays out. I have decided to continue to fill my personal bucket with extra scripture study, prayers, and self care, so that during this emotionally draining times, I will not be in want of strength. I have decided to accept the caring actions and words from my husband, and to let myself believe that I am worthy of having a good husband.
It's going to hard. It's good for him to be feeling giddy and in love with me- that's how it's supposed to be, I mean look at Elder Holland, he said in this conference talk about him and Sister Holland:
They're living the dream. I want to get to that point too, because that's true love. I'm not there yet, because I have been injured, and I need time and work to heal, but I have faith that I can once again feel this way about my husband.
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