Thoughts on Faith

I went to group last night, and it was pretty great for me. The cute ladies there are so good. They are all struggling, but it's so therapeutic to be there for other people- maybe especially for women. By listening to other people's stories, it's amazing to realize that I am helping shoulder a huge burden for them, but it doesn't really add to my burden, in fact, it lightens it. Crazy how that works. 

When I think back to how scared I was when I first thought about going to a group, and having other people know about this, I am so grateful for how far I have come. There is no way that I could have shouldered this burden alone and grown as much as I have. I did it for a year, and I got nowhere. I thought I was moving forward, but really I was letting emotional pressure build up... and I would have exploded. Literally. And no one would have seen it coming- probably not even me, because I thought I was doing fine. 

I hope one day these amazing, strong ladies will realize how much they have helped me just by being there. I hope one day you, dear reader, will realize how you coming to my page motivates me to continue to express myself on my blog. It's only been a few months, but this has helped me accelerate my recovery. It's been amazing. 

Today, I chose to focus on Faith as I go through the Young Women values in the personal progress section. I chose to do a personalized value experience today.

I read the talk "This, The Greatest of Dispensations" by Jeffery R. Holland. It's an amazing talk for anyone going through struggles like ours. He talks about all of the scary things in the world, and how sometimes it feels like we can't escape all of the terrible things in the world, He talks about living through faith instead of fear. 

My personal fear is that even if/when my husband overcomes his addiction and we move a little bit down the road, he will be triggered by everyday things around him- billboards, signs, flyers, coupons, you name it and fall into another full on relapse. But I realize that that's why we are in counseling right now- He is obtaining the skills to re-route any thoughts that may come into his mind into something good. I have faith that with these skills and a loving Heavenly Father guiding us through this process, as long as we stay close to him, we will be okay- no, we will be more than okay, because we will be on the path that Heavenly Father wants us to be on.

Also, I realize that even if that happens, I can live in faith and not be traumatized again by my fears. 

Here is my favorite part of the talk (it really applied to my situation):

"Have Faith, Not Fear

I have just two things to say to you who are troubled about the future. I say them lovingly and from my heart.

First, we must never let fear and the father of fear (Satan himself) divert us from our faith and faithful living. Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need.

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—that is the first principle of the gospel. We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities.

God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe."

- Jeffery R. Holland

It's me again! The part that really got me is where he talks about the future. It's so hard for me to actually look to the future, because if I'm being 100% honest with myself, I don't know exactly where I'm going to be. But something that I realized while reading that little paragraph is that even if I don't know where I'm going to be, I know that if I live in faith and stay out of fear, I will be exactly where my Father in Heaven wants me to be... which is the goal anyway, right? I just need to take that step into the dark, which means not limiting myself. I need to keep on writing my thesis (even though I really don't want to sometimes) and getting good grades (obviously I'm a student), so I can get into grad school. I need to focus on being in the moment and having healthy ways of thinking and stop pushing off thoughts of the future to "whatever happens, happens" kind of thinking. That's what gets me into trouble, thats where I hurt myself. I need to invest in the future- right now that is how I live in faith, and not in fear. Because

"God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer my prayers and fulfill my dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if I don’t pray, and He can’t if I don’t dream. In short, He can’t if I don’t believe."

I'm gonna work on that, Jeffery.