Triggered.

Man, it's so hard to want to write when you are feeling triggered. But I realized that it's better to write, because it doesn't allow those emotions to bottle up.

We met up with my husband at the lake yesterday. As we pulled up to the lake, I saw a bunch of young peeps playing soccer- all of the girls wearing bikinis. ugh. Instantly triggered. I didn't say anything until I we got to the chairs, pretty close to where they were playing. I saw my husband do a double take and stare a little longer the second time, and I went from being triggered to wanting control. I snapped my fingers at him, and told him that I wanted his attention, and that I was feeling triggered. He went into victim mode, and told me that he would just go to the car and look at the ground the whole time (manipulation/ victim mode). I said fine, and away he went. Later I apologized for snapping, but I didn't apologize for voicing my emotions, I am really glad that I did. 

I am also really glad that I am able to have a therapist that I can talk out situations like this for, and a husband that (once removed from the situation and a little down the road) I can talk to about how we can both improve.

We decided that next time, I am going to voice my emotions, and then reach out. Then, if I feel like he is still looking or dwelling or fantasizing, I am just going to leave. Distance myself from him. He then said that if he notices me distancing myself, he will analyze and come and reconnect with me- sounds like a good plan! I really hope it works out :)

I found a scripture I really liked- Ezekiel 18 31-32. In it, he talks about making a new heart and a new spirit- I like that, because I really feel like I am building a new heart and a new spirit through my healing.