Connection

I just received a beautiful letter from my Sister-in-law, someone I really admire and look up to. She has been one of my favorite people since the day I met her over a year ago, and I knew she and I were meant to be the best of friends forever. Part of the reason is that our husbands grew up being the best of friends. Seriously tied at the hip, and when each of them went on missions they didn't know what to do without their other half. Tweedle-dee was missing the Tweedle-dum, and after one got home, it was vice versa.

My cute SIL has always been there for me, we have inside jokes and always have a blast when we are together. However I never thought I would be okay telling her about the struggles I have had since I started this journey. Finally this last summer, I felt this huge prompting to tell her at least about the counseling that Jase and I were working on because there really are no secrets in the family, but still sometimes it seems that nothing really gets talked about. So I let her in on some of basic need-to-know kind of things, and she was really sweet about it. And I thought that was it!

Back to the letter I received, she handed it to me tonight as she was heading out the door. I was anxious to read what it said, but I had the feeling like it had to do with the information that I had given earlier this summer. I was a little apprehensive, but the envelope had a heart on it, and I was reminded that because it was from her, it couldn't be anything but something entirely sweet.

And I was not wrong. She filled the letter with supportive words, and heartfelt stories reminding me of our fun times that have made us better friends. Of course I bawled through the whole thing. ;) But my heart completely skipped a beat when she told me that she had found this blog of mine through a link that I had put on this video I made for a school project last semester. When I made the video, I had no idea that there were other women out there who had created sites for the sole purpose of being there for women with husbands with porn addictions, I just knew that if anyone found that video it could be because they were struggling too, and needed to reach out. I just wanted them to know that they weren't alone, so I posted a link to my blog at the end of it.

The funny thing is that the feeling that I felt when I read that she had found it (after shock), was relief. I felt absolute relief knowing that someone that I was close to knew that vulnerability in me. I have put a front up for absolutely everyone besides my husband. My mom, sisters, other friends, they may know that somethings going on, but I haven't told them just how deep my hurt and shame have been because of it. I was afraid of being rejected by someone who hasn't gone through my same struggle. My SIL hasn't gone through it, but she was nothing but nonjudgemental and christlike about it, and I am eternally grateful.

So, the lesson I have learned is this: while I am not ready to become fully public about this, I am planning on being able to share my story and help women who struggle with this problem. Something that I CAN do right now to work towards this goal is to be okay with being vulnerable. Vulnerability is the key to connection.