Nike: So excited to be here!

I just wanted to take a quick second to say that I'm so excited to be a part of this blog and this community! I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm nervous to share my story and my struggles, but at the same time I've learned that sharing and connecting with others in similar circumstances is what helps us all to heal.

Ashley is a gem in so many ways and I'm thankful to her for sharing her blog with us. She has been an inspiration to me and I only hope that I can return the favor.

Until next time, remember that we're in this together and, even though I don't know you, I love you already because you're a survivor and you're doing the work it takes to come out victorious in this battle!

- Nike

Ashley: Big Announcement:

As of today, July 28th 2015, I will be sharing my blog with other Goddesses in Training!! I am so excited. Each of them have chosen to be anonymous, and have chosen names of Goddesses as their screen names. I have chosen to keep my real name as it has been a journey getting to the point where I felt comfortable even sharing that.

Here is how it is going to work:  Before the title of the blog post, we will write our names so that you know who is talking! We will tag the post at the end with the name of the author so if you want to scroll through and read a certain person that you really relate to's posts!

I am so happy to add these ladies, and I admire each of them in their recovery and each of them are dear friends to me. 

Get excited and start watching for some amazing stuff coming from them! I will continue to write on here as well, I just have been super busy moving and have found a lot of solace in this little group of WoPA friends that I love... and now am excited to share that love with you guys! 

Just you wait!

Guys, I have some exciting news for the blog heading your way soon, get excited. I have been super super busy with work and school and moving and being a mommy that I haven't been able to write on here as much as I would like. But no fear, I have still been on a recovery journey, and have some exciting things to share with you. First of all is this: I have completely dumped my old bottom-lines and created new ones that are more fit for where I am in my recovery journey: Just head over to that tab if you want to take a gander.

So as of right now, right this minute, I am having a crisis with my husband. He is in a rough, transitional place, and unfortunately he has turned to porn to cope for the last couple weeks. Going from completely into recovery to an unlocked phone and multiple confessions... super, right? It's a scary place to be. I am really nervous because I feel like the next few hours are going to be pretty crucial to us... I refuse to go back to that place, but I want to stay married and don't know where to go, but I am letting the lord guide me, and I have been blessed with clarity during our last couple interactions. Please pray for me and my husband, friends. I love you all.
Ashley

I thought that one time was enough.

I have gone through therapy one time. I have all the tools that I need to take care of myself. But I don't use them. I have in a way forgotten why they are so important and why they work. 

The tools in therapy don't make sense if you are in trauma. In fact, they are a bit opposite of what you naturally want to do when you are getting hurt over and over. It's natural to want to try to control who and what is hurting you- especially when it's your husband. It is completely unnatural to talk to someone outside of your marriage about these really intimate things. It is so hard to do it when you A) don't know why it is important to use the tools you have and B) are NOT in the habit to do so.

The first time I went through therapy, I thought that I was learning these temporary tools while my husband was "getting over" his addiction. 

While there are a few different things that are wrong about that thinking- there is one thing that is squarely on my mind about this whole thing: 

"temporary." I sincerely thought that I would only need these tools while we were on this difficult mountain of life, and then once we were over the hill and down in the valley, I could ditch my tools and live a "normal" life. 

The fact of the matter is this: I will never live a normal life. 

It is something that I have had to learn and morn and accept. From the time that I found out about my then Fiance's porn addiction, I was changed. After we married, I was changed even more. I have lived through the hell of trauma, and still have flashbacks and panic episodes.  I will never be normal. (whatever normal is)

So here I am in therapy for the second time, and I'm going through the work and more memories and flashbacks that I hadn't addressed the first time are coming back to me, and I think it's because I am finally accepting that this is a lifelong process. I am finally accepting that I need these tools to be in my life even during the healthy times. 

I am finally accepting that being socially healthy is equally as important as being spiritually healthy, and being emotionally healthy is just as important as being physically healthy, and doing all of those things are equally as important as being mentally healthy. The are all equal. 

I used to kind of brush off the social health aspect, I would send off a text to somebody (one text), and check that off of my list as connecting socially. And I would wonder why my husband couldn't fill this unknown void of connection. I think even if he wasn't an addict and unable to fully connect because of it, connecting socially outside of the home is so incredibly important.

So. I guess I have more to learn this time around- and I'm pulling out the cement, because I'm finally ready to embrace the me that I am becoming, and I'm ready to make it permanent.

Let's chat

I am feeling so isolated right now- so can we chat dear internet friends? Can I vent to you like I would love to just vent to a real human being right now in person?...

I used to have really good friends- the kind where you plan on being friends and roommates in rest-homes when you're old and grumpy and grey. I still love them all to pieces, but none of them know about this- And I really don't even talk to them anymore. I met J and I became an awful AWFUL friend, blowing of lunches and bridal showers and baby showers, and eventually they just stopped inviting me. I don't know if it is all J, because I never really learned how to cope healthily with pain until therapy, so I blew off people I felt like I was losing... but it got REALLY bad after meeting him. I remember going to one wedding where all my friends were, and they were all so happy to see us and to meet J, but the whole time we were there (about 5 minutes) I was so worried about making J happy and that he just wanted to leave as soon as possible, that I was distracted and probably SOOOO awkward. But man. I miss them.

I keep telling myself that I'm living healthy. That I'm being mindful. That I don't really need help because I have all the tools that I need- I KNOW what to do. But it's a different thing actually living them, isn't it?

Let me tell you about my situation. I manage a storage unit facility that is surrounded by fields and factories. It is terrible isolating. I moved here 8 months ago- used to having my best friend living next door to me. When I started feeling isolated, It wasn't very hard to get out of that because she was right there. I didn't realize just how much I relied on her. We went on walks together. We were so close. But I moved here with this false idea that because I was moving near family, I could stay out of isolation. But there was something about living within a set of wrought ironed gates that made me feel caged at first- and it really kind of squashed my spirit- especially with my husband working as much as he was.

I DO do my recovery work still- the BIG work. You know, I reach out when I am really needing a pick me up- but as far as the day-to-day things that you think don't make such a difference, I have been lying to myself saying that I have been doing it when it is painfully missing from my life.

I work a one week on, one week off schedule- and honestly it is really hard on my little one and me. My school work is suffering. I feel like my little guy and I just start getting attached and then it's time for me to get back to work, and he detaches. It really isn't healthy for our relationship when we were so used to being the two musketeers (three when dad was in a healthy place)... I hate what it has done to our relationship.

So there. I laid it out. Vulnerability hangover much?

The different kinds of pain

So I caught J acting out today. It's been building, and it's not like I didn't see it coming- he had confessed to me yesterday and the day before that he had done some "addict stuff"- and because I have asked that he doesn't share details, I don't know how to categorize that. He said it was "addict stuff"- And this time was an "act out." Anyway. Because I have seen this one creep up on me, I have been given a gift of clarity, and I feel like I was able to describe to J how different behaviors feel to me.

There are two different kinds of emotional pain for me- a chronic kind of throbbing pain that has a life of it's own, and a sharp stabbing kind of pain. The chronic throbbing pain I attribute to addict behavior... I can live healthy and it gets a bit better, I can numb the pain through netflix or whatnot for a bit, but the pain comes back at unexpected times. Living with my husband when he is in addict mode is like this constant throbbing pain that to the outside world looks like it should be fine- I don't look like I am in pain. Chronic pain in the body rarely manifests itself on the outside. That's how it is living with an addict- everything from the outside looking in looks dandy... and sometimes it is! And then addict mode hits, and I feel like limping all over the place.

The second kind of pain is the sharp pain that I feel when I find out that he has acted out. Like a gun wound in my arm. Catching him acting out is like standing at close range. Having him lie about it is like him moving my arm around trying to show me that I didn't REALLY get shot in the first place. The fact that he has an addiction is the outside proof, it's what people on the outside could see- if I let them. It is what validates that I have pain in the first place- he acts out, and I have the right to be in pain according to everyone else.

Both equally suck- but both also in a twisted way have their perks- addict behavior - that numbing chronic pain- can be ignored when around "normal" people. No one feels uncomfortable, because on the outside you look like your life is in order, and in a way you can hide in the facade. The act of acting out gives you an out. Suddenly your husband can't twist your pain and say that you're crazy, because you have a tangible reason to be in pain.

A few months ago when my husband was working crazy weeks and didn't have time to act out- but was super stressed and therefore in addict behavior constantly, I dealt with the pain and lived in the facade until I took a look at my life one day and was like WHOA. Get away from there, you are in PAIN. So I made plans to leave.

And then J caught wind of that and quit his job and asked me to stay and give him a month... He did recovery work like crazy. But suddenly he had a lot of time on his hands.... and you add the shame of not having a job on top of it, and WHAM. Once-a-week I get a new disclosure. I have gotten relief from the chronic pain, and it felt good until I remembered the sharp pain of before.

I don't know if I want to keep switching back and forth between the two. I just want to live a pain-free life! Is that too much to ask? 

I do think it is fair for me to expect to not be hurt from the one person that I should be able to lean on and with whom I share my deepest thoughts and insights.

That being said, I drew a lot of comfort from this little snippet of a talk from president hinkley- if you need a smile, take a listen:

HERE

I love that man, he has the ability to help you understand deep things from the littlest situations. I'm thankful for the lord and his tender mercies he sends me daily. This is one of the ones from today.

I'm getting all philosophical over here

A philosophy that was shared with me and a few other WoPAs by a therapist has stuck with me lately, and I can see truth behind the words, at least in my life:

Men and women addicts lose two main things because of the addiction:

Men lose the desire to protect.

Women lose their desire to nurture.

This same therapist also said something that I don't 100% agree with: That our addict husbands never loved us, and that they literally don't know how.

It just shows that sometimes you have to listen to everything you hear with a filter of what speaks truth to you at the time. I honestly believe that my husband loves me- but the addiction robs him of certain critical things that must come with that to ensure a healthy relationship. 

What's that saying? "you can't live on love alone?"

Anyway, I want to process why the first part spoke so deeply to me (because I know that this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone).

I guess I am a little lucky(?) because I have experience in both ends... But even the feminist in me believes that men and women were born with gifts specific to each individual- which includes our gender. I believe that men are given the gift of desire to protect, and women the gift of desire to nurture.

I also believe that like all gifts, there is the chance that the gifts might be temporarily unavailable- whether by our own doing, or the doing of someone else (such as abuse).

I say temporarily unavailable because every once in a while, we can see glimpses of it. I saw glimpses of my husband wanting to protect me before the shame of the addiction shut it down. Recently I've been seeing more of it- and it is incredibly confusing what my emotional response is to it (but that's another blog post). But despite the adversaries best efforts to snuff that gift, I don't believe it is possible to snuff it out entirely because it is a gift that is built into us- like a car stereo.

It's funny, because when you are in the midst of an addiction, you don't even know that it is missing.  I sincerely thought that I was just an oddball because the thought of children just "was never appealing to me."  And it doesn't necessarily mean just the nurturing of children per say,  I cold turkey quit, and after about six months of sobriety, I nurtured the heck out of my husband... problem was that he was consumed in his addiction and pushed me off so many times that I went into survival mode.

I believe that being in trauma robs me of my gift of nurturing. When I first had my son, I think heavenly father blessed me with a surge of nurturing, but after a few months of being a mom with a zoned-out husband who kept looking at porn, I tried to numb the pain- and I think that also numbed my ability to nurture.

Okay here is my point in all of this: 

It's impossible for me to selectively numb. I can't just numb pain and sadness. I can't avoid the trauma. I can't run from it. I not only hurt myself by doing so, I hurt those I love- like my little guy. The greatest gift I can give my son is to actually look at the hard issues. It's ignoring those issues that has numbed my ability to truly feel joy and happiness- and the desire to nurture. 

Reflections

I went to my sister's Bachelorette party tonight.

I mean, need I say more? Every WOPA reading this can probably relate and read into that one sentence and just sort of know what is coming next.

I actually had a pretty good time. The food was great, the conversations were pretty fun. The first part was mostly just like a bridal shower. It wasn't until the second half that any of the "naughty" stuff came out when she opened up presents... I felt like I was watching the whole thing on TV. I would nod knowingly to the other married women and laugh at how the unmarried women just speculated and giggled. 

I feel like I have come a long way. In the past, I know that my instant feeling would be to instantly push the addiction onto other people. You know, kind of a "just you wait until you've been married for 10 years and your husband tells you he has a porn problem." But at this point, I have met so many hurt women by this illness that I sincerely wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.

Mostly I left feeling okay- good even. But as I drove home and reflected, I got a strong feeling in my gut that I just couldn't identify.

But then I saw my husband when I got home and I knew what it was that was weighing on me. 

I am sad. I am grieving the loss of something that I don't think I ever really had: A healthy sex life. It's funny, but I couldn't joke about it. I couldn't do much more than nod my head one way or the other. It's funny because even my sister noticed and asked "is this weird for you?" and then to her friends "we don't talk about this stuff in our home." Which is true. We don't- but that wasn't the reason why I was quiet. 

I was quiet because I couldn't comfortably talk about any of my own sex life because mine is so riddled with confessions of acting out- followed by weeks of me not feeling safe enough to even touch in bed due to trauma flashbacks, let alone have sex with him. 

I didn't want to think about that while I was there. It was nice to just hear happy wives talking about their healthy sex lives and know that there is such thing in the world. Honestly, it was refreshing in a way.

Then I got home and it was just weighed so heavily on my chest- and I got pretty damn angry/sad. And realized that this is another thing that this addiction stole from me. My sister being the spiritual gem that she is also shared a quote from Elder Holland about how intimacy between a man and a woman literally bonds a man and a woman physically and spiritually. She talked about how that is the part of it that she really wants,.  It was so sweet, and I could tell that the spirit was there when she said it.

I mean, isn't that what we all want? Isn't that what we crave for when we are intimate? I know I do. I guess that is the part the hurts-- that is why this is so traumatic for the wives.  It takes a piece of our soul that we bonded to this man we are married to and makes us question it.

But for me, there is good news. Because I have an older brother who has my back. And he has yours too, if you'll let him.

 4 ¶Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

 5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed

First check the label

Shower time is my thinking time. My mind races a mile a minute, and I come up with some of my best plans. My very wise mother-in-law says it is because there is no technology to distract our brains, and it is the only time we have our thoughts all to ourselves. Today in the shower while I was thinking about one of the triggers I had the night before, I half-mindedly pumped the bottle of shampoo and tried lathering it into my hair, but it just wouldn't sud up. So I added more water to it thinking that was all it needed. When that didn't work, I inserted a thought into my already very distracted brain "Man my hair is greasy today!", and I pumped another handful of soap into my hair, when that didn't work, it had my full attention. I mean I have a pixie cut, really, I don't need that much soap to suds up the little amount of hair that I have! I started thinking about just how greasy my hair was, thinking about how gross I was for having grown over-active grease pores in my scalp overnight. When the third pump didn't work, I added a fourth thinking surely this last pump would do the trick... and it didn't! I scrubbed really fast hoping the speed would activate the suds. Doing a combination of both sort of worked, but not really- it still felt like it needed more soap to get the suds going. I felt like a greasy goblin!

I was out of options- I mean there really isn't much to washing your hair- so I decided to just look at the soap- maybe my son had dumped out the bottle and filled it with water- wouldn't be the first time that's happened. But then I remembered the consistency- it wasn't super watery, it was rather thick actually. Frustrated at this point- I looked at the label. And there it was as clear as day: Conditioner.

I angrily laughed. I had just spent a good five minutes trying to suds up conditioner! My conditioner bottle and my shampoo bottle are exactly the same- the are the same color and they have the same smell. 

I was immediately hit with a lesson to learn from that experience: Before looking at the logical reasons why my hair wasn't sudsing up, I had gone to the immediate conclusion that something was wrong with me rather than something being wrong with the situation itself. It's a lesson that I have to learn over and over again- and it applied to the trigger that I had been thinking about while this all was happening.

After the intensive, J and I have been working on our independent recoveries. It is HARD WORK. Surrendering EVERY trigger is exhausting- but I felt everynight that I was going to bed with a clean plate and without any resentment buildup for me to deal with the next day.

I trusted him to be doing the same exhausting work- and to be coming up with plans on how he was going to deal with the triggers if they happened in the future, and not sharing his lapses with me unless he surrendered them first and then had a plan to show me the work he was doing to avoid it happening again.

Here's the lesson: I had walked down at midnight because I had been watching Downton Abby later than I really should have, and decided at the end of it all to at least try to find some sort of healthy physical outlet that I could use to feel connected to my body physically. I found a flyer online for a  co-ed softball league! I was so excited I jumped out of bed and went down to the couch where my husband is sleeping right now, to so him the flyer. When I got down there I saw that he was watching a show on his iPad. I was instantly triggered but do you know what my mind automatically told myself? "Oh, it probably isn't that show that he told you earlier that day that he wouldn't watch anymore- he told you he wouldn't- what's wrong with you? Just trust that he is doing his work." So I ignored the fact that I was triggered and showed him the flyer, and went up to bed.

Fast forward to 2:00  in the morning: I wake up to my little guy crying so I got up to go help him. J is in the hall looking like he has been  up for a long time. I get triggered because linking the two of those triggers together is alarming. But my brain refuses to acknowledge the fact that I'm triggered because it instantly thinks "Man, you are so flipping tired from going to bed so late, you shouldn't trust what your eyes are telling you right now- just because you look a certain way when you wake up at two in the morning doesn't mean that J has to look that way too."

Did you see what I did in both of those triggers:

I ignored my needs because I told myself that I was the problem.

But if I would have just looked at the facts just like I looked at the label on the conditioner bottle I would have seen this:

1. No matter what show he is or isn't watching, seeing J alone in the dark on a device is triggering. Period. End of story.

2.  After seeing that first trigger, it is also triggering to see him looking wide awake at 2:00 in the morning.

3. I have a right to raise a red flag when he says he is going to do something and then he doesn't. Like he said he was going to go running and then watched shows all day instead.

That is what it says on the dang label. There is nothing wrong with me for not trusting him yet. Just like I will be in the shower for the next few days: I will definitely be looking at the label before I pump any soap into my hand because I don't 100% believe that is going to be in the same spot every time like it was before.

I trusted after this weekend that he would do the work and that would be the end of it. But he didn't. And I don't trust him. And that's okay- because trusting him makes me feel crazy right now. I'm learning. I gave him a little bit of trust, and it made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I didn't allow myself to look at the facts because I wanted to trust that he was working his full recovery.

Truth is, that I was right in my triggers. He did act out. It hurts so much this time because I finally felt like we were on the same page about recovery. We had moved from almost divorce in my eyes to turning things around. This time confused me, but not really. I am going to keep doing the exhausting work- because divorce or not divorce this is my new life, and I am learning to love and embrace it. If he chooses to do his work instead of cutting corners then we are working towards the same end goal and in the end it will work out between us. If not, we are moving farther apart and that leads away from each other.

For the next little bit, it is just a wait and see situation.

The long and short of it

The good: I went to a weekend intensive at Addo Recovery with my husband and gained so many valuable tools that I need to process on here how I can apply them into my daily life.

The bad: After I asked for the five days, he didn't leave. He did invite me to go to the intensive with him and to a bishops interview with him and I feel like those both went well. He asked me on a date and that went pretty well. 

The hard truth: red flags have been thrown- bottomlines have been broken, and I don't know if I even want this to go any further. However. The intensive made me think about the reason behind what I was doing before and I want to really drink deeply in my own recovery again. No matter what happens, I am done numbing. I am done taking the easy road- I am ready to take the road that leads to the lasting happiness- I am ready for that change of heart. I'm in your hands, Lord.

Clarity when I want to see it.

Wow- writing my last post was just nerve-racking but so healing for me. It's so weird to feel so vulnerable and scared at the same time- My old therapist calls it vulnerability hangover. I totally had it. I was too scared to look at the comments so I just didn't! haha! But thank you for your kind words. Because I feel like my addiction is something that I have overcome, and that it's not the main cause of my trauma right now, it isn't going to be the main theme of my blog. I just wanted to have my whole story out there and the whole picture. It was hard to feel like I was being completely open and honest on here when I felt like I was hiding something. So thank you again for your words of support and love, tears were shed over here.

Part of what forced me to get back on the blog is that I have to admit something: I have been just plain awful at my bottom-lines and boundaries. AWFUL.

I was surprised to get a phone call from one of my old group friends that I hadn't heard from in a while who's husband was 8 months sober... and really missed talking about bottom-lines and boundaries and sticking to them in the way that we used to talk about it in group. Her hubby had acted out and she stuck to her bottom-line of kicking him out of the house.  She had moved out of state and away from family, and it was just so inspiring to see her automatically stick to her bottom-lines after 8 months of not having to.

And then here I am with a husband who acts out about once a week now, moved to a place that is closer to my family, and all of my bottom-lines are gone to pot. Seriously, they have slowly been inching back from "sleep on the couch" to "just don't touch me when we are in bed." Slowly but surely. 

And then yesterday happened: I got a disclosure that he had looked at porn twice while in the same room as our son. Granted it was while my little guy was sleeping- but I have a STRICT boundary and associated bottom-line with that. My Boundary: I do not ever want to have my son exposed to porn by his father. My bottom-line is this: Three strikes and your out. When I introduced that bottom-line (before I even knew what a bottom-line was) to my husband it was the first time I had found out that during one of the newborn night-shifts that he had looked at porn with the newborn in his arms. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was not okay with me- and that that was where I was drawing a line. He agreed with me, and I created the 3-strike rule. In my mind even THAT was generous. I didn't want there to be a second or a third time. EVER. As much as it hurts to get a "normal" disclosure, this kind of disclosure just rips up my insides. 

So yesterday morning, I got that disclosure which was strike three. I took a moment and took a shower and sobbed and sobbed. As a wife it hurt, but as a mother I feel like I have a job to do- to protect my child from this addiction. It is so heartbreaking when you bring a child into the mix. I knew what I needed to do: I needed to take some time for myself and reset my bottom-lines and boundaries. I also needed a bit of separation from my hubby to see if distance and space is what I needed. In my gut I knew what I needed to do- I needed to ask him to leave- and after some contemplation, 5 days seemed to be about what I needed from him. I prayed for peace and clarity, and thank heavens I did because I didn't expect what came next. 

So I went back in after my shower and I told him what I needed him to do. And he sat in shame and then he verbally attacked me. He hit every single part of me that he knew would hurt me- but I was able to see the reason why he was doing it.  I was blind-sited and hurt- but unwavering. He tried manipulating me- but I was able to see through it and held my ground.

It started to get worse and worse so I left with my son to drop him off at my parent's house, and I was able to hold it together until I saw my sister and I just broke down. I had a good cry- and luckily my sister was super supportive and told me that she would keep it on the DL- and started towards home again to get ready for a dentist appointment I had with my sister in law, but saw that the car was still at the house- he still hadn't left! I wasn't ready to see him again, so I went and used my tanning punch pass. That always relaxes me, and I was able to get my wits about me again.

As I drove back, I got a few texts from him apologizing for the words he had said. I was detached. Honestly I didn't care whether he apologized or not, I knew that he had been in addict mode that whole time and that he always regrets what he says when he is in addict mode. He does anything he can do to get what he wants.

The point is, that this is a hot topic of conversation- we really can't talk about it for more than maybe ten minutes before it gets infused with drama. He doesn't understand why my need for this time overrides him doing his own recovery work. I don't understand why- if he really wants this marriage to work- he won't give me the time and space that I need so that I can get myself into a healthy place and then work my boundaries and bottom-lines in a healthy way. THAT will help our marriage more than anything else could. I don't understand why he all of a sudden stopped supporting my bottom-lines. He can work recovery outside of the house- it is possible- it is plausible. I know that when setting a bottom-line, you have to be willing to do the thing that you are asking him to do if he says no. So this time when he said no, I started looking for places to stay, and he said fine he would leave. But then he didn't and it was late at night and he slept on the couch. For the last two nights.

So here is what I am clinging to right now:

1. We have an intensive therapy session tomorrow night and all day on saturday. I really hope that we can both get some clarity

2. The peace and relief that I felt when I just knew that I needed him to live somewhere else

3. The fact that while he is still in the house almost all day everyday that he is trying to give me a lot of space. At least there is that.

Here is what we are doing while we are in survival mode until therapy on friday night: We are doing an "in-house separation" He sleeps on the couch and we avoid each other. It works for now- sort of. He keeps saying that he is going to do one thing, but then he changes his mind and tries to cling on and hold on to us even tighter like he is going to lose us. 

I don't know. It's weird. I hate it. But I have clarity when I want to see it, and I have peace that I will come to the right conclusion as hard as it may be. Right now I am trying to still do the things that I was going to do when I asked him to leave the house for the 5 days. 

Vulnerable post that I've been working on for forever.

I'm going into it again, because I can't stop thinking about it, the women on the other side of the equation. 

I read this article and my heart just explode with about a million different emotions.

First, I was incredibly grateful and relieved that there was someone in this world who is fighting for these children

Second, I was so stricken by two of the things that were said:  "Human rights organizations agree there are at least 21 million victims of human trafficking in the world today, including 2 million children.

It is absolutely appalling to me that there are 2 million children in the world who are forced through this filth. But the part that struck me the hardest was the math that I did in my head: 21 million victims minus 2 million child victims means that 19 million of the other victims are my heavenly sisters and brothers.

My heart just ached with that figure.

And then I read this line: 

“The problem of child sex slavery is 100 percent the societal consequence of our pornographic world,” Ballard explains. “Pornography is a drug. Adult pornography is marijuana, and child pornography is the cocaine. When people move on to child pornography, eventually they want the real thing..."

My goodness, I feel like my life has led up to me reading that article- some dam inside of me broke. Can I explain?

It all began last week. 

Monday of last week I watched this video on Addo about a woman going public through her blog. (I think you have to be signed in to Addo to see the video, and if you don't have a log-in, you should get one!) Watching that video was just so eye-opening to me. 

Then I happened across this article by fight the new drug with russell brand talking about what viewing pornography be it soft or hardcore porn is doing to brains. And then hearing him be real about it- that it feels wrong, and that its extremely hard for him to stop- just matter-of-fact like that- no shame in it.

and that led me to that article which broke this incredible dam inside of me, something that I want so bad. Something that I have been dreaming of ever since I can remember. The reason why I am a women's studies minor. But something that I have felt like I could never do because I truly felt like I was a bad person. I felt like the rest of my life I would be playing catch up to the really good people, and despite the fact that I have a huge testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I felt like I was damaged goods.

So here it goes: My "biggest and worst secret" I haven't told anyone ever besides maybe 5 people- and even that is a recent thing. The thing that I don't want to be a secret any more because it's something that I am actually extremely proud that I overcame- and still am overcoming every day:

Guys. I was addicted to romance novels and masterbation from the ages of 12-21. TEN YEARS. I have been sober for 3 1/2 years, with a six month period right before that. The one-time break that I had when in between is when I realized that I had been white-knuckling it in hopes that marriage would fix my cravings, and it didn't. And that was it- I have been clean ever since. IT WAS HARD. I forced myself to find new hobbies, to focus on other things. I did it cold turkey it- which I know is not common- but combined with my work as a WoPA, I feel I was able to heal emotionally to the point where I didn't feel as damaged.

I am shaking as I write this. Who does this? Who writes their deepest darkest secrets and puts them on the internet for everyone to read? Oh! I do. haha. For some reason, it has been okay for me to put my hurt about my husband's addiction online, but not to be hurt about this.

Writing this when I know my only audience is women who have been hurt by a partner's addiction- or people whom I respect and trust enough to have access to this blog is hard. I am scared of judgement. I am scared that people will think less of me, and I am scared that I will lose this little support group that I feel I have on here. 

But I am putting this up here because it is a part of my story! It is a part of my healing. It is a part of who I have become. I am putting this up here despite of the fear- perhaps as a way to abolish the fear all together- to prove to myself what I tell my husband frequently: You are not the addiction- you are you, and overcoming this will make you a stronger you.

So. Here I am declaring that I will not be afraid of my past anymore. I am not damaged goods. I will not keep it a secret that I will take to the grave like I thought for those 10 years that I would. I will not be another person who contributes even one millimeter towards that awful world of trafficking- in fact, I want to help fight against it.

I always was one of those girls who wrote in her diary thinking "One day when I have changed the world, someone is going to read this entry in my diary and say "Look, that was when she was just a normal little girl and now look what she has become." I have always wanted to change the world. I watched girl rising (here is a link to a trailer), and get all fired up thinking that someday I will do something to help girls like these amazing, brave, and beautiful women.

But that feeling always went away when I thought about the things that I had done for those ten years; along with the fact that I feel that those choices had me thinking that marrying an addict would save the both of us. I thougt of where my choices have gotten me, and I would think that I had lost my chance to do that. To change the world for the better.

I am sometimes embarrassed because I change my career plans so much- but I am realizing that it is because I am always trying to find something that will make me feel as fulfilled as my original goal to help these women I am so drawn to: to start or run some sort of organization to help these girls that my heart sings out to all over the world. So I say I will become a doctor or a dentist or a lawyer- all for the intent of helping people- hoping that maybe I can do doctors without boarders, or some other cool thing that would at least be similar to helping these women that I am so drawn to on the other side of the world- but nothing has hit the mark for me yet.

I still don't know what I am going to do- but I want to be true to myself and true to who I have always wanted to be. And I am going to start by owning the struggles that I have- my own personal ones- and stop deflecting and pushing onto my husband. I am ready to stop worrying so much about him- he is doing a good enough job at doing that himself- And I am going to focus on me and explore what I am going to do about what I want out of my future. Is this how changing the world starts? I don't know- but just writing this post is changing my world, and right now, that's all that matters.

The process

Recovery-wise: Yesterday was amazing. Seriously awesome. 

J chose on his own to go to therapy. Say What?? Yes. You heard correctly- he chose to go to therapy on his own. 

I am used to being the one in our relationship to be doing recovery work. I got comfortable in the role and I liked it. I liked being the one to bring up hard conversations. I liked being the one who controlled where I was going. I got used to the idea that I was moving away from him as I did recovery work and he didn't. I liked being able to say: It doesn't matter what he does, I am going to take care of myself and let him be a big boy and be in charge of himself.

Welp. Now that he is doing recovery, I am thrown for a loop. I don't know how to describe it so I will try to process it on here.

I think I liked how easy it was to NOT trust him at all as he didn't do any recovery work. I liked how hard he tried to make me happy in other ways- like waking up with the little one so I could sleep in and helping me clean the house. I liked being successful roommates who didn't have to think about anything sexual/lovey-dovey in our relationship because I didn't feel safe.

Now that he is not just saying that he is doing recovery work- but actually doing the actions of going to therapy, signing up for group therapy every wednesday, being in the present moment, and opening up about the hard topics- I have never felt more confused.

I loved it while he was at therapy, I loved thinking about the fact that he had done therapy while he was away from me at work, but once he got home from work and was around, physically, my body was confused.

For so long I had been pushing away, I didn't realize how him doing recovery work would make him look more attractive to me... and yet there is not very much trust there. It's so confusing.

My mind subconsciously goes like this:

He went to therapy today!! :D

The therapist is a girl and he said he thought she was pretty. :(

He wants to connect!! :D

How long is this going to last? :(

Ugh.

Let's just go back to how genuinely happy and excited you were to see him?? 

When was the last time that happened?

*insert return to happy feelings*

I think I want to kiss him!! :D

*insert flashback of kisses I gave just so he would forget about the porn women* :(

Is that how I am feeling now? 

Am I just kissing him because I want to or because I don't want him to look at other women?

It is so stupid that I can't just enjoy a kiss from my husband

*insert bitter feelings*

Just smile and walk away so you can figure this shiz out, Ash.

And so suddenly it becomes very confusing for him too!

Consciously this is what happens:

Me: HI!! *super excited to see him*

Him: Opens up about therapy

Me: That is awesome! *super happy he is wanting to connect about recovery work, super bummed that I can't get out of my head that he said his therapist was a girl and was pretty. Even thought that is so amazing for him to be able to connect with a pretty girl without having any sexual thoughts come to his head doesn't help me and my fear cycle.* So I go quiet.

Him: Wants to connect somemore

Me: Can't because I am in my fear cycle

Him: I JUST WANT TO CONNECT

Me: Sorry I can't be like your PRETTY THERAPIST 

then we go to bed and wake up the next morning:

I go back to thinking about how excited that we are both on the recovery bandwagon again!

Me: I want to kiss him so I do!

We kiss.

I keep stopping so I can check to see WHY I am kissing him.

Him: Getting mad, thinking I am toying with him. shutting off.

I close off thinking he is playing old tricks of "shutting off" so that I want to "fix it"

Why is it so much more complicated when we BOTH are working recovery? I ask myself. Shouldn't it get easier? 

The answer is no. When we are both looking at the hard issues it freaking sucks.  I have had a glimpse of the life we could have after the suck- I know it's worth it- but geez! It doesn't make it any easier.

Also, I guess I am feeling a bit inadequate with my own recovery work. It is so much harder to sift through the crap when you're not forced to check in weekly with a therapy group; but I am really proud of the work that I had been doing on my own. And then J goes to one therapy session and faces about the same amount of junk that I have sifted through in a month! 

Suddenly in my mind HE is the one doing better at recovery than I am! Haha! Writing that made me laugh. I know how silly it sounds- it's my competitive side coming out. But I hate to be outdone. J does too. When we were in therapy together, it was rarely the two of us doing really good work together. It was usually one or the other excelling more than the other one. Either I was rocking it or he was. The other one was always in kind of a slump.

I loved being the one on top for so long- and now that he is working recovery, I hate it because I don't want to go into a slump! Haha! (this is so funny to me that I honestly feel this way!) I "know" it's my choice. 

This whole time- when he set an appointment for therapy, or when he talked to the therapist, they asked about me, and he said "She's a big girl, if she thinks she needs help, I am going to let her find it." Healthy way of thinking, right? I mean, it's what I was thinking all along for the last few months- That he is a big boy, and when he thinks he needs help, he can find it himself.

Well, subconsciously, I hear that and my egos all like "Seriously?? You are just going to climb on ahead and leave me here in a slump without giving me a leg up??" And then I get bitter.

I mean guys. I am a total mess.

But. Writing it out on here makes so much SENSE to me, even if it doesn't to anyone else. This messy mess is MY mess! And it's okay! It's all part of the process!

And recognizing that this is the way I have been thinking makes me realize that I can break that darn cycle we have going on! I don't have to be in a slump! We can BOTH be working recovery independently. I saw myself going into a slump because he was doing recovery work, and I resented him for putting me there. (BLAME)

And then I was going to just NOT go to therapy just to spite him and to prove to him that I could do an equal amount of recovery work without therapy- to prove to him that I was more awesome. (I mean the way my mind THINKS! haha)

So i am going to admit something on here that I never in a million years thought I would be saying when I first started writing this post: I need more help. I have more junk than I can handle myself, and I am going to call the therapist rather than wait for J to bring home a pamphlet or something. I am going to do the work for myself rather than waiting for someone to do the work for me. I am going to break this stupid Recovery Rockstar--> Recovery Slump cycle J and I are in and let his example bring me up rather than push me down.

I'm going to eat me a slice of humble pie.

Yet another way that Porn Kills Love

*Note: I said earlier that I would give notice if something that I write could be triggering. This is one of those posts.  It was one of those posts that was really hard for me to put into words how I was feeling- and I was about to just not post it- but then I decided that I wanted to hear what other people had to say about it. So please comment- this was a pretty vulnerable post for me to write, as I realize how judgmental I had been without realizing it- I hope it's my one step closer towards healing and receiving more christ-like love.

Whenever I have thought of the women on the other side of the porn equation- the women on the screen- I am filled with extreme emotions. I hate them- Don't they realize the pain that they are causing? Don't they care about us- the women on the other side? The women whose everyday real-life is being affected by their choice to pose for porn and the choice of our husbands to view it?

Every once in a while I would have a pang of sisterly-kindness towards them- and then I would get a disclosure and I would forget that they were humans- blinded by the pain that I feel when that happens.

This caused a state of disregard- I would forget about them- and my husband's addiction would become just that - a plain regular "addiction" again rather than a "porn addiction." I would forget about the faces on the other side.

Last night I indulged in my guilty pleasure: I watched the bachelor- Whether that is a healthy choice or not given my standing in life (because it is a mix of both) is not the point of this post- the point is that I got to see a side to porn that I rarely think about. 

One of the girls on the show (one of my favorites) revealed yesterday that two years earlier she was trying to start up a modeling career and had been approached to pose for a pornographic magazine, and she did. She was so nervous to tell the bachelor- worried that it would ruin her relationship with this man that she was falling in love with and wanted to get married to and start a family with. 

She pretty far it the show- all the way up to the part where each of the remaining girls gets to take the Bachelor home to meet their families. It was so interesting to watch. Her relationship with her family was so strained- her mom was wringing her hands, her brother wouldn't look her in the eye the whole time, and the nicest thing he said about her was that she was a "wild mustang". There was so much judgement in her Dad's eyes, and it was later revealed that he hadn't learned that she had chosen to pose in porn until one of his friends saw her online and made a comment to him about it. For one reason or another she hadn't told her dad fast enough, and he found out another way. Before he knew about the porn thing, the Bachelor had a chance to talk to her dad and commented on how what attracted him to her the most were her small-town values- her dad didn't say anything about it- he was silent for a moment and then just said that she was an independent thinker, and that she had a wild side,

Because of her experience of not telling her dad soon enough, she knew that she needed to be the one to tell the Bachelor about it before he found out about it from somebody else. It's really easy to read this guy this year on the Bachelor, the guy has a tell-tell sign that he is feeling uncomfortable- he coughs/clears his throat a lot. After meeting her family, she took him aside and finally told him about it. The words that she used were not proud- she listed off the reasons her life wasn't in the right place/mind frame when she chose to do it- and then I turned the TV off because the commercials hinted at her showing him the pictures. The point of this part is that he kept coughing/clearing his throat. He was uncomfortable. He had said the whole time that he liked that girl for her small-town values- and he eventually ended up not choosing her over the other girls.

The bachelor said that the reason why he voted her off isn't because of the "thing that she had said before" (he couldn't even specify as to what that was- that's how uncomfortable it of a conversation it was) But she went home devastated. Her prior choices had led to pain she never could have imagined.

Guys. I kept wanting to turn it off- but I kept being drawn to the TV like a mosquito to the flame. I couldn't stop watching because suddenly that girl behind the screen was a real life person. It's funny, because the whole time, I just wanted to take her and giver her a hug. I wanted to tell her about the atonement. I wanted to tell her that the person that she obviously wanted to become- the small-town, warm-hearted girl she had been the whole season up until that point- was totally obtainable through the atonement of christ. That she could be white as snow.

It totally ruined my vilification of the women behind the screen. They aren't all monsters. I learned in my "Human Sexuality" class (if that wasn't a triggering class for a WoPA, I don't know what is) that studies have been done that back this theory up- I learned that in a majority of cases studied (granted it's prostitution, not porn- but they are in the same family, and I imagine that similar thought processes go into both),  have at least one of the following in common with other prostitutes from their childhood or adolescence: Physical or Sexual abuse, family instability, poverty, dealings with exploiters, homelessness, and/or drug use. (if you want references, just let me know!) That is such a hard life! I'm not condoning the behavior that they use to cope with it- just that it is yet another reason why we need to end this sickness. Christ loves them. 

Porn kills love. 

Not only the love between myself and my husband, but even the potential love and happiness of the women behind the screen. 

The whole thing made me sick to my stomach with heartbreak- and so thankful for my Savior. He feels with us the pain that we feel- each and every one of us. Not only me- but the woman behind the screen too.

balm

I know. I know that it is all about my recovery- and that my recovery is not dependent on his. But it sure makes it easier on me when he is doing his. It makes it easier to trust. It makes it easier to think of a future with him. And he is STARTING to do his recovery again: SA meetings, Addo recovery. It's been touch-and-go good for him. I have had an interesting reaction to it all- relief, and happiness and then frustration that it isn't going as fast as I would like, that it has been four years and he is still working on lasting sobriety. It's so easy to make this about him.

I have to daily remind myself to keep on doing my own recovery:

Self-care

Boundaries

Bottomlines

Because I keep having some of the words our therapist, Tyler Patrick (who is an amazing therapist in the Logan, UT area if you are looking) told us early on:

A lot of spouses of porn addicts think that they will be healed once their partner recovers from the addiction, that they will start feeling better- and they do. Having a partner in recovery makes you feel a little better. But you find yourself being frustrated. You still don't trust. You still are bitter, and have a build up of resentment. And you still can't get rid of some of the flashbacks that can be triggered by the most random things.

Being a spouse of a porn-addict is something that we ourselves need to recover from too.

My husband likes to say "pain is to the body like shame is to the soul."

Sometimes I feel ashamed of my situation- like if I would have been smarter, or more aware or more aligned in my own life before I met J that I would be in a much more elegant life trial right now... whatever an elegant life trial is.

But. 

I know that is not necessarily all true, and even if it was, it does nothing to help me right now. Saying it outloud makes me face it. Letting it go is balm to my hurt soul. I let it go by making my life and situation stronger.

 Self care. 

Boundaries.

 Bottomlines.

Sometimes a little self-reminder is the best thing you can do.

Post-Vomit

I like to think of the posts like my last post as vomit sessions, where I just get out everything and anything that I am thinking/feeling. It is so good for me! I sometimes feel bad for anyone who is reading it because I don't know if my thoughts are connected in any way. 

Being honest with myself in that last post enabled me to be honest with J. I told him how I was feeling and not feeling and he was really hurt and-at first- angry. As usual, he didn't see it coming- and I think it surprised him just as much as I was surprised when I realized just how far my trauma response to pain had taken me.

It was a very painful conversation. He told me that I needed to do what I needed to do. I told him I felt like him saying that was looking for a way out. I explained to him what a day in the life of flashbacks and triggers are like for me. We cried. I told him everything that I had thought: that all I wanted was for him to fight for me. At first he shut down and needed time to process it. I gave it to him. He came back and told me that he didn't think that this is the beginning of the end- that this is like half-time. We just need some good pep-talks and strategies so we can get back in the game- back on the same team and then get back on the court and back in the game. 

Sports analogies. I guess they really speak to me- maybe I've seen "Remember the Titans," but I saw something in his eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time- desire to make this work. And instead of ignoring the conversation the next day, HE brought it up- and HE asked me on a date- and found a babysitter-and made it amazing. We talked about our individual recoveries and I heard some of the things that he had been doing and not telling me. We worked on our schedule so we can actually do our work- dailies, self-care and bottom-lines every day. We talked about therapy and when we can fit it in. 

Crazy.

Granted, I know that it is mostly just talk right now- I am going to remain skeptical until I see some action, but this is the most progress J and I have made collectively as a team in more than 4 months! Progress!

I've been alive long enough to know that there will be ups and downs in the game of life- there are in every game. There are fumbles and interceptions and sometimes you sprain your ankle and are out of the game for a little bit. But this halftime pep-talk and game planning gives me hope and I am feeling a new energy about recovery.

Put me in Coach!

It's okay

First, 

Reading Annegirl's post here was crazy good for me.

It got me out of my avoidance slump.

So Thanks Annegirl.

Second,

After our little explosion, J and I haven't talked much about anything of importance.

I have been doing this for so long that certain thought-patterns have been formed that I feel are controlling my behaviors. Thought patterns like: "J will get over this addiction and be that amazing, thoughtful guy that I married and we will live happily and thrive on our success."

or

"I cannot say that I want a husband who is in recovery- because he knows that and I don't want to put him into shame"

or

"I just won't talk about the fact that he doesn't want to go to church and talks negatively about it lately, because if I push anything, he will do the exact opposite."

or

"insert anything about my feelings regarding the addiction- but I can't say that, because I don't want to put him into shame- he is no good to me when he is in shame"

So I just shove things that are bothering me below the surface, or I write them on here, or I talk to a WoPA about it. In other words, I numb- and I tell myself that it doesn't bother me. I tell myself that I am madly in love with the man I married, just not with the addict side of himself.

And then I catch myself doing it, and I try to change. I try to start doing recovery work again, and I realize that I am NOT okay with it. Not one bit. I am SO MAD that this is my life right now. It's not fair. 

And so I get even more distanced due to resentment, and because he isn't doing recovery work, so is he.

So I read a little part of the book and explode on him, and then we turn into polite roommates. He notices, and then goes out and buys both of us an iphone thinking that will solve the communication problem- but it only gives me more fear. I say thanks and because of my lack of enthusiasm he thinks he is inadequate. It's this cycle. We are spiraling away from each other. And right now, I don't care. Honestly, the only thing keeping me right where I am right now is my son- he adores his daddy, just worships him. I would feel horrible taking that away from his everyday life. But I am also incredibly hurt, and because the hurt keeps coming and I can't keep up with it, I am incredibly unhappy.

Annegirl's post was so helpful because it helped me realize this:

That the hard truth is that I don't love my husband anymore. I can't. It is impossible for him to truly love me with his addiction, and it is impossible for me to love him romantically with my trauma. I love him like a brother right now. (Gotta love the irony of having this realization right before valentines day.)

The way we have been going on has been unbearable. When we were in therapy, I used to feel this a few days at a time after an act-out and before a counseling session. There was a light that I could see at the end of the tunnel. I couldn't wait for him to get out of my house, because he would come home from the session with a new clarity, and would be bearable to live with again.

I keep telling myself those unhealthy thoughts that I listed off, and I didn't know how to get out of it and still keep the peace. Something that was said on facebook has hit me really really hard. He said something along the lines of "I have never seen an addict yet who will put the needs of his family above his desire for a fix. I'm not saying we shouldn't be neighborly or kind to them, but I am also saying that I am over giving them free handouts"

Of course, I think he was talking about drug and alcohol, but don't we keep saying that this addiction is just as strong and bonding? That some say that it might be even harder to give up?

I read that and I can't seem to get it out of my head.

I have been thinking a lot lately about recovery and what it means to me, and what I personally need in order to keep going in this life that J and I chose to go on together. The answer is recovery (even though J has decided that he hates that word, and now uses the phrase "healthy living"). I thought when we started on our therapy journey two years ago that it was the start of a bright new life together. A little less than a year later and I am feeling as helpless about our relationship as I did before- just with better tools to take care of myself. 

I am not ready to say the "D" word yet, because I am carefully weighing my options. I love his family, and they are the biggest support I have right now. I want to make sure that when it comes down to it, that I made the decision in a healthy mindset. I don't want any regrets. But that being said, I, like the police officer am over giving free trust handouts. The only thing that will keep me from going down that path- the path away from a destructive relationship- is action on his part. I'm doing my part and it's moving me away from him- and it's the only way we are going to get on the same track.

Breakdown

I had a total break-down two days ago in front of J.

I had just come home from doing homework at my parent's house so my little guy could play with cousins and not get so bored while I did it. J was supposed to meet up with me there and grab little T so that he could take him home and put him to bed. Forty minutes after he said he would be there, I looked at the time and was surprised that I hadn't seen him yet, so I called. He was home- and gave me a long-winded and distracted answer as to why he hadn't shown up. I think my gut knew instantly that something up and that he was acting off.  Lately when I have this feeling I go into avoidance mode. But I couldn't because I had a lot of math homework left to do- the logical side of my brain was totally in control- and I didn't hide it.

 He sensed that I was upset (he is always asking if I am mad or upset and I am constantly saying no, and using more precise language like "no, I have my feelings hurt" or "no, I am just hopeful that things like this won't happen anymore), and when he asked I said "There is no point in you coming here anymore at this point. I am almost done with my homework and I should be there in about 15 minutes." He hurried and tried to make it right with a "no, I can come grab teddy, and blah blah blah" but I just told him that would not be necessary and that I would see him in 15 minutes.

Because my brain was in my mammalian mindset rather than my reptilian survival mode, I was able to logically think through what I was thinking, and what was making me upset. By doing my intelligence self-care, I was gave myself the gift of feeling mixed with logic. It was incredible, and so liberating. The drive home was me thinking about things that I had been avoiding thinking about. 

T and I got home, and I got the sense that J was on edge, and ready to fight if needed. I said hi, and started to get T ready for bed. As I was doing that, I got another disclosure in kind of an accusing/flippant kind of way. He had acted out. I asked him if it was before or after I had gotten off the phone with him, and he said before. 

I looked at him, started to cry, and said "You are tearing this family apart, and it doesn't even look like you care."

 J's face was priceless- I think after all these months of disclosures and my calm and collected reactions that he honestly thought that it wasn't hurting me that bad. Of course in true addict fashion, his first knee jerk reaction was to start to point out all of my flaws. 

He pointed out that I am horrible at saving and budgeting money- and that that could be the reason why we are drifting apart. I said, you're right, I am horrible at it, and I am working on it, but that is not the reason our marriage is failing, and that I wouldn't let him change the subject.

For the first time I think ever, I looked J in the eyes, and said "You are cheating on me. You are masterbating to pictures of OTHER WOMEN- That is CHEATING." I had never told him that straight up. He looked like he was in shock. I told him that every disclosure is a stab to the gut, and that lately I had felt like I had to suppress the pain because he wasn't doing anything about it, and I needed to evaluate what my options were because I couldn't live like this anymore. 

"Right now this is my life: I wake up and see that he's not in bed and I get a flashback of waking up to the same thing and going to find him only to see disgusting images on a screen and him hurrying to close the lid of his laptop, I get the mail hoping that I won't get a bombshell with victoria secret magazines like I did when we were first married, but that I still live with those images burned into my brain every single time I get the mail- and this is my everyday. Instead of wondering when your lunch is because I want to tell you all about my day, I'm wondering because I picture you sitting in some table against the wall looking at pictures of other women.... and so it goes. All day long. Numbing to avoid the pain, hating myself for numbing, but not knowing what to do with all of this but to shove it all down and ignore it."

I told him that the reason why I am so confused about this whole job thing is because the day before I had just come to terms that I could do this on my own- and that life would be better. Harder but better. I was one act-out away from asking for a separation, and then this whole thing happens. He decides he is out of control and that he wants to quit his job so he can take care of himself and his family and work recovery. Well where does that leave me?? I had just decided that I would be happier as a single mother than with a husband who cheats on me once a week now with virtual women! 

T started to fuss, so J took him upstairs and put him to bed. It gave me some time to do some extra self-care and what I needed emotionally was validation. So I opened up the book "your sexually addicted spouse," and all the validation in the world came flooding in. I was completely immersed when J finally came back down to finish our conversation.

He thanked me for being honest. He told me that suppressing all of this didn't help either of us.

And that's where we left it. I feel horrible and awesome all at the same time. Horrible because we haven't touched the subject since because there is no time. He is still at work before I wake up, and comes home as we are getting ready for bed.  Awesome because I finally got brave enough to speak my feelings and my pain and my thoughts with him, and I did it- despite my thinking that these words were too hard for him to hear. He needed to hear them I think just as much as I needed to speak them. 

So, back to the question: "Where does that leave me?" I don't know. But I finally feel brave enough to face wherever that is.

Self-imposed Isolation

Over the past couple of days I have gotten into the bad habit of self-imposed random bursts of isolation.

I know that it's good for me to be social and to talk about what is going on- but I just haven't wanted to. I have been horrible at answering texts, avoiding seeing anyone I don't absolutely have to see, avoiding talking to anyone via telephone. It's annoying. I hate it. But I don't know what to say.

I am so confused right now, I don't know what to tell people. Usually I can get by with just surface topics, but the problem with J quitting his job is that it is porn-related and yet un-porn-related. So people hear the fact: "J is giving his two-weeks-notice," and then when they ask for a reason or a plan I see on their faces, hear in their voices the question: WHY ON EARTH IS HE QUITTING HIS JOB WITHOUT A BACKUP PLAN??

Truth is: I don't want to tell the truth so I just say "He has been living out of his car and leaves the house when we are asleep and comes home after we are in bed- it's survival, it isn't living, and he has done as much as he can handle."

And then comes the sympathetic sighs and rubbing of my arm with pity in their eyes.

There is some vulnerability in that statement- but even that is too much for the few people we have told.

Pity.

Vulnerability hangover: and it's not even the full vulnerable truth.

I have been ignoring it. Hoping it goes away, but it isn't, and he officially gave his two weeks notice today. This is here to stay.

I am working on not jumping into "fix-it Ashley" mode. I will not plan out his life.

I also realized a few minutes after writing that last post that what he does doesn't have to affect my work. I still need to be doing my recovery no matter what he does or doesn't do.

So.

Self care.

Boundaries.

Bottomlines.

Oh. and I'm going to stop avoiding all these wonderful people heavenly father has randomly had call or text me so that maybe I can figure out exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Life, wait for me to catch up

My world is changing. 

Just when I come to terms with how it gets to be for now as I figure what I want my relationship to be with my husband, I get a curveball thrown my way.

He's quitting his job. Giving his two weeks notice so he can figure out what he wants out of life.

He has been home contemplating this move and getting over his illness for the four days, and honestly I don't know how to take it with him here all the time.

He finally realized how distanced I am from him, and he doesn't like it. He didn't notice before and I think he's a little freaked out. He is trying to fix it. He is trying to undo 6 months of pain in just a couple of days and doesn't understand when I don't just go back to leaning into him.

I have tried to explain it: "You can't expect months of pain to be erased by a couple of days of kindness." I have said it to him a million different ways to him- but he still can't wrap his mind around it. 

I don't know how, but I think he has forgotten that acting out and addict behavior hurts me. I don't understand how he doesn't get it, but I really don't think he does- and I think he thinks that this good behavior mixed with numbing on his iPad isn't fixing anything.  

As the Taylor Swift song says:

"Bandaids don't fix bullet holes

you say sorry just for show

When you live like that blood runs bad"

wth. What do I do now? What do I do when I don't have him being away at his job every day for 12+ hours everyday to protect me?

Just when I figure things out, I get to figure something new out again.

Choices

I have a love-hate relationship with social media. Hate because of the sometimes ignorant comments like the one I wrote about in one of my recent posts. But love because I follow some incredibly uplifting people/groups.

I follow the @BOM_365 on instagram, an account that reads the book of mormon slowly over the course of the year and asks relevant questions about the reading. This morning it asked a question that I have been wondering myself for a while. "Why do the wicked take the truth to be hard?" I had to chuckle.  I have been wondering the same thing lately- just replace the word "wicked" with "addict"- so much so that I decided to stop thinking about it so that I wouldn't go crazy! 

That was one of the things that I discovered about myself when I had my turnaround with prayer the other day- and something that I am working on every day: I don't want to be afraid to say or do something just because I don't think J will like it.

But it's funny- when I read that question, instantly another quote that I LOVE came into my mind:

(I love it so much that I just made this printable the other day and hung it in my house.) 

In my mind, it sort of answers the question. One of the biggest lies that the addict tells him/herself is that it doesn't affect anyone but them. I think that's what J is telling himself right now, and why he gets so upset when I tell him that his actions have an impact on me. Choice = Consequence. I don't understand it, because we have had this conversation before, but the addiction does things to his brain that I am starting to understand- and I know that one of those things is memory loss. Awesome. But the answer is this: When we sin and realize that we have to face the consequence that comes with it, we take the truth of that fact to be hard- VERY hard.

And that doesn't just apply to actions, it applies to non-actions too! I am affected when he chooses to not have any boundaries or bottomlines. 

Last night J had a run-in that felt like it shows this perfectly. He asked me to scratch his back under his shirt. The thought of skin-to-skin contact made me panic and started to bring on a trauma response (I can't control when those happen), so I told him that I felt uncomfortable scratching under the shirt- but that I would scratch over the shirt if he would like. He huffed and said that he was offended and then turned over. He didn't want to face the fact that his actions and non-actions caused me to feel uncomfortable and triggered.

Writing this is a little bit triggering because as I am typing, I realize that this scenario has been played before in my past, but with a completely different ending- usually it ends with him apologizing for hurting me, and telling me that he understands if I needed some space.

It was just something small- and usually I am alright doing it, but when an act-out was so recent, and I haven't seen any progress towards change my triggers and PTSD-like symptoms are so much more frequent. 

A week ago I probably would have just scratched his dang back and then dealt with the consequences of resentment and a magnifying of trauma today. But today I am proud of myself for sticking up for me! Slowly but surely I am building these NEW bottom lines and rights and here is the first one:

As a daughter of a God, I have the right to be able to say "no" to something when it makes me feel uncomfortable- even if it pertains to my husband.

If something (a situation, a movie, anything) makes me feel uncomfortable,  I will take it as a sign that I need to give myself some immediate attention and say "no" even when it's hard- no matter what. Because I am worth it.

(I should write a book: "Everything I needed to Know I Learned in Young Women." haha!)